New Day Coming...

check it out would you, I'm drinking beer. More to the point, I'm drinking Aussie beer, and it is not all that terrible.
My favourite aunt [Jan] popped open a bottle of wine with dinner and as it turns out it was only Dad, Jan and myself drinking it. We even had the classy bit down pat, using the champers glasses and all. Glorious night on the verandah. By the time the fireworks started I had already been thrust and half consumed at bottle of Tooheys 'PILS' - having too good a time chatting with my 7 year old cousin about how fireworks are created to really notice whether I was actually enjoying it or not. Man, what a truely amazing night. Beginning to feel a little tipsy and I'm fairly convinced that the beverages have kept me warmer outside.
So as I sit here and type this the whole swarm of family is heavily engaged in 'Batman Begins' waiting out for midnight. I figured since the net was already connected, before I disconnect for the final time this year, I'd pop on and say 'Farewell 2000 and 5, you have taught me alot. You have broken my heart and allowed me to heal. You have granted me wonderful friendship and I hope that you will allow me to carry them with me to the new year."

and to you who read this blog, thankyou for your loyalty. I am grateful for your friendship and encouragement. To you whom I have had the opportunity to build friendships with thatnkyou for your honesty and for your valuable communion with me. Some of you I have grown incredibly fond of over the last 6 months and I thankyou that you have allowed me to nurture that affection in your company.
I look forward to the new year. So charge your glasses and raise a beer to "Friendship and life...a brilliant combination"

Cheers!

Photogs [a dedication to friendship]

The tickets are booked...
Belle and I leave for Melbourne on the 13th of febuary and return to Newcastle on the 23rd of the same month. We weren't exactly sure whether we were going to make it this year, however having stumbled upon $78 return tickets with Jetstar, we decided that we would be fools to waste such opportunity.













Oh yes...
If you live in or near Melbourne then two goofey gals are heading your way...All I can say is, RUN!! Run while you still can!!



Oh! and if we're left alone in a room with a camera, then you'd better believe that we're going to go a little nuts.

I can't believe that it's been nearly one year since we were last in Melbourne. We've grown alot haven't we Belle. We've learnt alot about one another and as painful as that learning process was at the time, i honestly wouldn't take it back

Rundown...

Christmas came and went, and we literally just arrived home from Sydney. I was so close to falling asleep in the car, and now having unpacked the car and settled back into my room, I'm once more awake.
Christmas involved Big lunches, great company and good laughs. It's a bit of a family tradition to meet up at my grandparents house for Christmas due to the fact that my extended rellies are spread all around the show. Grafton, Melbourne, Forster, Newcastle, Armidale, Sydney. Usually Christmas is the only time when we really get to hang out for a longish period...and it's fantastic!

This year however, was better than any I can remember for a long time, because I was able to chill with Katie for the last 4 days, which sadly is the the longest amount of time I've had with her in a long time.

I was that close to getting a tatoo with my girls Hayley and Belle last week. Though while in Miranda fair with kate I decided to get a piercing instead. It's fairly tame, not 'out there' at all really, but still It was something. Just one simple silver piercing, on the right ear, up the top.
Not a great piccie, but you can just make it out...

16 buxs all up, so I was cheering. Found out later I could have gotten my nose done at the same place. But I think that for now I'll spare myself. [my mum told me that nose piercings make her think of pigs...] but who knows it may be yet to come. Didn't hurt at the time, but right now it feels quite tender and I'm paranoid that someone [matt in particular] is going to bump into it [probably on purpose] I'll have to sleep on the left side...as it's really quite sore tonight. Ah well, I'll tough it out :p.

Kate and I stepped back into childhood as we shared the double bunk bed at Grandma's, we laughed well into the early hours of the morning, as she bounced my bed around by kicking my butt from underneath, and I repeatedly scared her by silently leaning down from the top bunk, to hang over her face and wait patiently till she opened her eyes...priceless.

But perhaps the most fun was found in my losing out on the pecking order, and having to turn out the light, and attempt to clamber onto the top bunk without a ladder or any form of light...was highly amusing, painful and messy. Particularly when I managed to tip a glass of water all over myself before the class fell and smacked my toe. The next morning I woke to the smell of damp carpet...oops, grandma loves her carpet, had to explain quick smart as she was already beginning to suspect that the cat may need a few more lessons with the litter tray. Oh but heaven! air conditioning in the bedroom, whoever invented that, I could kiss you! The weather was so sticky, very grateful to feel the relief, made sleeping a lot easier.

Dropped Kate back in Newcastle on our way home. Always realise just how much I miss her, once I've spent the time with her. Such a truely amazing woman! She believes the best of me...she makes me want to be the better person. She's my favourite shopping partner, as we both have this knack for being on the same wave-length. We both want to look in the same stores and we both bore of the same stores at the same time "...You done?" "Yup, lets go..."
It's a beautiful thing :p, not having to stand around tediously waiting for the other person to finish so you can finally go.
Got a bit emotional as I waved her off , was grateful that it was night - when I said "...love you" I heard her get a little choked up as she beamed "Love you too, Jessie"
"Please Lord, don't let it be another 6 months till I see this beautiful girl, I adore."

I'm beginning to read "The Problem with Pain" By C.S. Lewis...thoroughly enjoying it.

Tickling my creative muscle by working on Belles photo's, in preperation for her birthday in January.

[Belle post about your Party would ya]
I love a good dress-up bash...and Belles planning one for her 21st...The 80's, it's going to be fantastic. Kate and I were scouring the vinnies shops trying to scoop up some seriously happening [??] 80's frocks...
we're going all out Belle, this theme is an awesome idea!!! :D

I know, this post is painfully boring, but I had people asking me to summarise my weekend, and so here it is for all of you who cared, for the rest of you I apologise.

So I spent the last couple of days hanging out with Belle and Hayley [two of my favourite people in the whole world] and spending that time with these two beautiful ladies, more than anything just helped me realise, yet again, how truely blessed I am. May I also say that these two women are truely stylin' absolutelly, insanely funky little babes. They wouldn't believe me, but it's true!

Thursday saw Belle coming over to trash my place [So not...mum herself said that my rooms never been cleaner...Belle your a champ!] Belle ever so kindly humoured me as I pretended I was some sort of proffessional artist. The day entailed me doing hair and make-up followed by a bit of a photo shoot.

Your so beautiful Belle, don't ever believe otherwise!

I'm not a pro, AT ALL! but I'm happy with how they turned out.

just a taste...

I woudl say more...but alas, a big steak for dinner is calling...sounds very similar to my mothers voice...

I love my girls...I hope you both always know that :D

I got to thinking today about transparancy...

So I got to thinking today about transparancy. And I decided that people [myself included] spend too much time trying to display only those good qualities and hide their weaknesses.
Perhaps weaknesses is the wrong word, however for lack of a better I shall continue with it.

I have this theory. As difiicult and often awkward as it may be, I believe that if perhaps, I myself was more forthcoming with my own flaws then it would be my hope that people would feel less pressure to appear 'together' and as perfect as possible.

While I don't believe it is neccessary, or healthy to dwell on weakness, I do believe that in order to truely know one another, we sometimes need a dose of reality. I don't know about you, but I find such reality not only refreshing but unbelievably reassuring.

Agreed, not everyone needs, or should know your weaknesses, however those whom you desire sincere and genuine commune with, need to know them in order to know you. To know where you are and where you want to go.

You whom I have given this address, I trust, and I do desire sincere and genuine communion with. So with the hope of things to come I choose to allow myself to share with you some [as I'm sure there are more] of my weaknesses.
I will ever fight the urge to edit them to sound more like possible positives.

* I crave quality time with people. If I don't feel I am receiving enough then I can recoil, believing that it was my lackings which caused the failure. - causing me to crave their time even more than before.

*I can be selfish in my desire for self validation - often requiring too much of that from the people around me.

*I can be judgmental of people, based on limited understanding

*I'm incredibly self-concious about my appearance, often basing too much of my worth on it.

*I can be quite close minded on certain issues - generally the ones I'm passionate about [ I know, I said it myself "Lifes too short to be close minded..."]

*I pretend to know more about things than I actually do, in order to appear smarted, more interesting - thus linking to the shallow bit.

*I always get the role of the clown...sometimes I would just like to be the beautiful one...or the intelligent one...or the interesting one. I envy those who are remembered for those things.

*sometimes, because I willingly laugh at everything, people don't even know that they hurt me...and if they ask, often I'll just pretend I'm okay.

*I can be a pushover. When it comes to Authority figures like my boss, or lecturers...

*When meeting new people, as desperately as I desire to be myself, I rarely am.

* I care too much what people think of me when I barely know them, and I allow that to alter my behaviour. therefore limiting the possibility of them actually getting to know me.

* I claim that I'm SO content being single, that I could live this way forever. When the truth is that if tomorrow I was settlling down, to get married and do the kids thing, I'd be stoked, and so ready!

*Some mornings I wake up feeling desperate, wondering what the hell I'm going to do for the rest of my life. wondering if I really want to teach, or if I've wasted the last 3 years.

* Too often I get caught up in lustful thoughts/desires, too often I swear.

--------------------


But I love my God more than anything...I know that everyday I have to choose to live for him. And every time I ask for his forgiveness it's granted no questions asked. That list makes me sound as though I'm completely self concious barely able to look people in the eye, or ever able to say what I mean. I guess the truth of the matter is, that's the Jess I wrestle with everyday. Some days I'm so far from being that person. Yet it's always too easy to become her. I trust that the longer and more faithfully I walk in sync with Christ, the more he will develop my character and views. But I think that I will always have to fight off these ugly character traits, and choose to be a better person than that. Because sometimes it comes too easily, and thats definitely not an attractive thing.
I just hope that you can love me anyway.

Traditions.

I've been thinking recently about Christmas traditions. Those things that we 'just do' at Christmas time, maybe unlike me you do know why you do them. However upon pondering it I realised that we've always had a Christmas tree in our house, yet when I asked my family what was the reason for the christmas tree no one could tell me for certain.
And so I decided that doing something merely because it has always been done, really didn't cut it for me.
So I set myself a little task, to uncover some christmas traditions...and you, my lucky reader will reap the benefits of my research [thats if you haven't already researched such things yourself]

The Christmas Tree.
From the eleventh century, religious plays called "mystery plays" became quite popular throughout Europe. These plays were performed outdoors and in churches. One of the most prevalent of these plays was the "Paradise play." The play depicted the story of the creation of Adam and Eve, their sin, and their banishment from Paradise. The play would end with the promise of the coming Savior and His Incarnation (cf. Gen. 3:15). The Paradise play was simple by today's standards. The only prop on stage was the "Paradise tree," a fir tree adorned with apples. From this tree, at the appropriate time in the play, Eve would take the fruit, eat it, and give it to Adam.
Because of abuses that crept into the mystery plays (i.e., immoral behavior), the Church forbade these plays during the fifteenth century. The people had grown so accustomed to the Paradise tree, however, that they began putting their own Paradise tree up in their homes on Dec. 24. They did so on Dec. 24 because this was the feast day of Adam and Eve (at least in the Eastern Church). The Paradise tree, as it had in the Paradise plays, symbolized both a tree of sin and a tree of life. For this reason, the people would decorate these trees with apples (representing the fruit of sin) and homemade wafers (like communion wafers which represented the fruit of life). Later, candy and sweets were added.
Another custom was to be found in the homes of Christians on Dec. 24 since the late Middle Ages. A large candle called the "Christmas light," symbolizing Christ who is the light of the world, was lit on Christmas Eve. In western Germany, many smaller candles were set upon a wooden pyramid and lit. Besides the candles, other objects such as glass balls, tinsel, and the "star of Bethlehem" were placed on its top.
Though we cannot be certain, it seems highly likely that the first Christmas trees that appeared in Germany in the early sixteenth century were descendants of both of these customs: the Paradise tree and the Christmas pyramids and lights. The Paradise tree became our Christmas tree. Decorations that had been placed on the pyramids were transferred to the Christmas tree.
For many Christians the Christmas tree still retains the symbolism of the Paradise tree. The tree reminds us of the tree in Eden by which Adam and Eve were overcome and which thrust them into sin. But more importantly, the tree reminds us of the tree by which our sin was overcome, namely the tree upon which Christ Jesus was crucified. Is it a stretch to refer to the cross as a tree? Hardly, for this is the language of the New Testament itself! For example, Paul writes in Galatians 3:13, "Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us, for it is written: "Cursed is everyone who is hung on a tree" (quoting Deut. 21:23). And Peter writes, "He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed." Therefore, the Christmas tree is a wonderful symbol and reminder of our salvation and forgiveness through Jesus Christ!

Thanks to Pastor Richard Bucher for helping us understand the origin of the christmas tree, I don't think I ever realised the wonderful picture it represents. A reminder of our redemption through Jesus Christ. The tree; The same bearer of the fruit - our fall, lead to our salvation- the cross ~ Gods one awesome bloke hey. Beauty from Ashes, all the way.

I'll never look at my christmas tree the same again. This is perhaps the only research I can honestly say I've ever enjoyed.

Times they are a'changing

The weekend came and went, and as I sit here fingers chatting, softly on the keyboard, it seems almost ironic that the opening strains of Bob Dylans "Times they are a'changing" would begin.

Saturday saw Mum, dad and myself heading to Newcastle to visit Kate. I knew from the beginning that it wasn't going to be a particularly pleasant trip, thus why I chose to go anway. Mum and Kate have very similar personality traits and I could see yelling and crying as being very real possibilities. And as it turned out, my expectations were right on target. So why was I there? I guess I've always had this knack for mediating between Kate and mum, I don't want to see either get hurt by the harsh, blunt emotional-heat-of-the-moment words thrown by the other. As unpleasant as it was, I wanted to be there, and I'm glad I was...because I do believe that I served my purpose.

I suppose that I should explain, I know that I don't have to, I know that it probably isn't even necessary. But this blog is more than me merely sharing whats happening in my life, it's purpose for myself personally runs alot deeper than that. And so I explain for myself as much as for your own clarification.

It came to light around 8 weeks ago, when Kates real estate agent made contact with my dad, that it seemed Kate wasn't paying her rent. Upon talking to Kate she insisted that she has been paying her rent, through her swipe card at the post office.

My dad held off telling my mum, for at least 4 of those weeks. Believe me if you know my mother, then you would understand. She gets stressed and worries profusely about things like this. Well, basically anything to do with her family, and while it's nice to know that she cares, it makes her vitually impossible to live with.

Not knowing exactly what was going on himself, dad decided to hold off telling mum untill he knew more.

More time passed, Kate claimed she was still paying the rent, the real estate agent claimed that they still had not recieved anything. Till one weekend, last weekend, they rang to say they had recieved one. To which Kate was able to produce a coinciding receipt for. She was unable to provide receipts for any of these other transactions.

owing in excess of $1800, she should have been evicted by now...she's been pretty blessed that she hasn't.

Thus mum was told, and the trip to Newcastle followed.

...

I don't really know what to say.

I love Kate with everything, she's my soul-mate, my best friend and I would hope that we share an entirely honest relationship. She maintained that she had paid the rent, she had an answer for everything.
But is it wrong to say that for some of her explanations alarm bells rang...some just did not line up with what could be fact.
I don't really have the energy to explain all the other issues which were stirring within the whole ordeal.

But when it comes down to it, I'm scared that mum and dad have lost a level of their belief in Kate. They are beginning to believe that she is and has been lying to them for some time...and what worries me the most is that she's been lying to me to.
But call me naive I want to believe her, and I choose to. I don't want to not and then find out she was telling the truth all along...what a betrayal.
And what if I find out that she has been lying? well then yes, there will be a level of betrayal there, but I can live with that, I can live with being betrayed, I just don't think I could live with betraying another whom I love. I would rather be naive and believe the best of her...I love her, how can I do anything else?

The dynamic in our family has changed and it saddens me. While I claim to embrace change and opportunity, the truth is I can be quite set in my ways. While there are indeed area's of my life where I do embrace the unknown, when it comes to things like my family...I'm not eager at all to let go of what has been so precious to me.

Just now as I sit here I glanced at the wall with all our family photo's from a year ago, right back to when Kate and I were around 5. Oh how simple everything was back then, and the saddest thing of all is that we never even knew how good it was...untill we end up here. Miles apart, missing her like crazy and wanting so desperately to be there for her. She's hurting, I know she's hurting.
She knows mum and dad doubt her, and that breaks her heart. To be perfectly honest I just don't know...The person I see when I visit isn't Kate, she's changed, the hairs grown, the colours changed, she's older, more mature than I remember. But then she opens her heart and we commune as we did, as sisters as friends, and a love flows between us which is so sincere, and I know her again, she still is exactly who I knew her to be. A little wiser, definitely more beautiful...but all the same, it's all Katie.

My love for her will never die, I will love her forever.
I don't know what I would do if I didn't...I just couldn't not.
And it's as simple as that!

Everythings going to be okay. God's got it in his hands. Everything will come out as it is soon enough. And I trust that Katies world is exactly as she stated it to be.

goodnight.

Kate & Jez :

Laughing it up. The way I'll always remember her; my partner in crime.

Even signed it...

Farewell lazy days in the sun, paintbrush in hand an entire wall as my canvas.
I finally finished the deck at my parents house. For the last 6 months this has been my creative outlet while I'm home. I took responsibility for the rainforest, while my mum did the ocean scape. [and she still says that she's not artistic!]
It's been incredible fun. What am I going to do with my free time now? looks like I'll need a new creative outlet.

P.S. I can't wait till I have my own place. I'd love to have feature walls all through the house.

Questions...

what effect does image have?
As desperately as we claim...appearance really doesn't matter, it's whats on the inside, the person which truely counts.

Have you ever heard someone tell you that you look amazing, and felt over the moon?
Have you ever had that same person tell you, the following day that your not looking so flash?
Have you then felt the sting as the once enjoyable conversation which bounced back and forth between you, is replaced by silence?

when do you truely stop caring?
When do you say..."I don't want to be remembered for my face, I want to be remembered for my heart, my compassion, my spirit, my joy, my passion?"
When do you stop listening to the shallowness of the world, stop defining yourself by their standards and start taken hold of the things which God has said about you?

"Your vibrant beauty has gotten inside us - you've been so good to us! We're walking on air!" Psalm 89:17

Is not God the most beautiful thing we will ever know? Is he not the only beautiful thing worth knowing?

"He wraps you in goodness - beauty eternal. He renews your youth - you're always young in his presence." Psalm 103:5

Is it not better to be thought Beautiful always in the presence of the one who is beautiful?
How can mans opinion possibly compare to the opinion of God?

Can you possibly still yourself enough to hear what God has to say about you if you do not choose to walk in fellowship with him daily?
Does it not make sense that you would doubt your worth if you've allowed a divide to form between yourself and the one who will validate your life with his truth?


So again I ask. When will you choose to value the opinion of God over the opinion of man?
On sunday morning when you go out the front for prayer?
Or will you begin to allow God to override those insecurities which plague you, today?
Will you choose to share your life as worship to your God?


There will never be another today.

Education.

A friend of mine posted this, I wanted to share it here. I'm not sure how long I'll leave it up...but I found it to be of interest.

"Although there are many misconceptions about the origins of the English word 'fuck', the actual root is derived from the German word 'fokka', which means literally 'to thrust with a sword'. The word is believed to have been adopted by the Anglo-Saxons of the British Isles during medieval times. German raiding parties would invade villages, pillaging and murdering as they went.

The Germans were especially gruesome towards women, many of which were raped with swords as a graphic statement about German brutality. Hence the English adopted the German 'fokka' as an extreme and offensive threat, and so we have come to understand the meaning of the modern word 'fuck'."

What does the Bible say about the "F-word"?Ephesians 5:1 "Therefore be imitators of God as dear children. 2 And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma.3 But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints; 4 neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks."

Reflection...

I miss him...

As I unpacked the christmas tree from its box, and began to untangle the tinsel from its muddled mess, my eyes fell upon a christmas card resting neatly on the bottom of the box, obviously from the Christmas before. I gently opened it and began to read, and there at the bottom of the page in scrawly black ink, "Fondest wishes, Jillian, Peter, Teagan, Brayden and Lauchlan."
Sitting cross legged on the floor, I closed the card and just sat staring into space for a few minutes. Untill my small trance was broken by my Mum coming up the stairs and extending my guitar towards me, "Do something with this would you Jess" She mumbled...she wandered off, and again I was left in my quiet solitude, guitar resting across my lap, the glow of twilight softly flooding the room.

It has been nearly 3 months since Lauchie departed from this place, and as Christmas slowly approaches my heart bleeds for his family. As they glance at the unoccupied seat which Lauchlan once rested within, as they wait for the unyielding heckling of the foods quality which will never come, at least during this lifetime. Lauchie has left a big hole in the hearts of everyone who knew him.

I admired his patience as he taught me the fundamentals of guitar...5 second breaks between chord changes, he never sighed loudly or made fun of me, he would have made a fine teacher. Thats if he hadn't ardently believed that unless you were studying Mathematics or the sciences then you were a bludger, through and through.
He never seemed to tire of reminding me that Primary Education students where the laziest people at university...that is untill he dated one, he never gave me a hard time after that. As my guitar lessons with Lauchie reached the one year mark, my pride blossomed as it no longer took 5 seconds to find the next chord. I remember the joy of Jamming along to "Wish you were Here" By Pink Floyd...I would strum the basics while Lauch would do the fancy plucky stuff...thanks for making me feel part of the band Lauchster. One thing I will always carry with me, is the day after many a practice that Lauchie asked me to play a song, it was his birthday..."Play me a song Jess, whatever you like that can be my present...dedicate it to me" I remember playing a nervous fumbling of "Bad Moon arising" Lauchie gave me a standing ovation anyway.

But perhaps the fondest memories of Lauch that I will carry forever, are our 'wiper wars'.
For some reason unbeknownst to me he became convinced that it was me who insisted on standing his windscreen wipers up whenever I walked past his car in the college carpark. For the record, it wasn't me but after a while it became easier to just claim the annoying behaviour as my own. And not too long after that my own windscreen wipers began to be found, standing on end. This game extended beyond merely college carparks. If we were in town and discovered the targets car, we would rush in and complete the deed [it of course did not count unless you were able to complete the task undetected].
I miss our games. I miss his sarcasm, I miss his charm. I miss my brother.

Through the pain of remembering him, there is joy and there is peace. In a way I envy him, because I know that he has reached paradise. For he knew Christ and he served him faithfully as he walked this earth. I imagine him walking the golden streets of heaven, with the divine aroma flooding his nostrils, the burdens of life no longer bringing his shoulders to a slouch. There is a spring in his step as he walks in sync with Christ, discussing the mathematics of the universe, drinking deeply from the spirit as his soul soars into eternity.

I will see him again...

And so, as I sat cross legged on the floor, surrounded by the christmas tree and the knotted mess of tinsel, I raised the guitar onto my lap, gentle stroked the strings to test the tuning...and finally with a soft smile gently raising my cheeks I whispered "This is for you Lauchie" and strummed out the chorus of "Bad moon arising" I wonder if he would have given me a standing ovation this time? I hope I made him proud.

Thinking out loud...

Bee and Katie...
I miss hanging out with the 2 of you even more than you know!

I Love you.

Taking the tests...

Wanna know more about me...well I took the tests, and apparantly this is me.

Jez, you're an Observer!

That means you're one of the more kind-hearted people around. You are unusually intuitive, and you probably understand yourself, as well as others. That also means you're a good mediator — though you may prefer to spend more quiet time on your own than most.

Because of the self-knowledge you already possess, you are better equipped than many to steer your life in the right direction. Understanding more about the components of your personality will reveal unique information that even people like you might not realize. And the better you know yourself, the more confident you'll be making decisions that affect your life.


Jez, your sense of humor is Goofy Humor

You have your standards: They may be low, but at least you have them. Sure, subtle wit makes some people grin and say, "Now that's funny." But you know the Three Stooges makes people howl with laughter. It's the physical stuff, the poop jokes and funny voices, that get you going because you have a goofy sense of humor. You have no problem making a fool of yourself as long as your moves to "fake" a fall break the ice and make people feel comfortable.

Wit, sarcasm, and satire can get lost in the translation, but a whoopee cushion is universal. Yes, it may be lowbrow — heck, it may even be nobrow, but getting laughs is what matters to you. From ye old court jesters to the kids of South Park, you and your goofy sense of humor are in good company.


Jez, The Boy Next Door is the man of your dreams

The guy next door can be a lot more than the kid who played a great game of tag and buried you in snowballs. He can be the man of your dreams. A laidback and fun girl like you doesn't need a glass slipper or fancy jewels — you just want a guy who knows how to have a good time and has a handle on what's important.

You're the kind of girl who wants to marry her best friend, so you might not have to look far for the perfect guy for you. Whoever said you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince wasn't talking about you. Tag — you're it!






Jez, your trademark tune is Kelly Clarkson's "Miss Independent"

Wild and crazy may not always be the way you go, but it's usually how you have the most fun. You don't have to follow the paved road since you'd probably rather forge your own trail anyway. Whether or not anyone can follow in your adventurous shoes is another matter.

Miss independent, miss self-sufficient. A free spirit like you goes your own way. We doubt you waste much time worrying what anyone else thinks. So whether you'll be happiest skydiving, joining the Peace Corps, or just shaking things up at home, we know you'll inspire others along the way. Now that's wild!


Jez, you're a Sympathetic Sidekick

No one ever accused you of not having a soft side. And that's why friends flock to your sympathetic ear and well-thought-out advice. You are tuned in to the world around you, and you are always looking for ways to bring people together and enjoy each other's company.

While some people might have one or two close friends, you like to spread your wings and socialize with any number of people. You are open-hearted and free-spirited, making it easy for you to find common ground with anyone you meet. Keep up the good work — everyone could use a friend like you.

Hmm...

Got woken up early this morning by my dad. He had to head to work at 6:30 am so he wouldn't be able to walk the Dogs with Mum and since I know mum prefers company, I offered my services.
It was nice being up at that time of the morning, wandering about the streets while the grass was still moist and the roads were empty.
Got home at around 7:15am headed to the Bathroom and as I washed my hands a familiar song came on the radio which I started to sing along to, U2's "Still haven't found what I'm looking for" as I concluded the chorus I added my own line,
"I Have, it's Jesus"
to which I grinned broadly at myself in the mirror. Then a response flooded my head
"Then start living like you found him"
needless to say it shocked me, it was still early and my eyes had barely even woken, the sleep was still nestled in the corners of my eyes, I wiped a tear before it fell. I couldn't remember the last time God had been so blunt with me and at first I was hurt, really hurt.

'There is no condemnation for those of us who are in Christ Jesus' I remembered that not long after I started my pity Party.

I crawled back into bed and curled myself up in the foetal position and just cried quietly to myself.
In retrospect I realize that I was probably being a little too emotional but this was one of those occasions when you know that your way off track, but you can't [or won't] change until someone actually confronts you and suddenly you see everything for what it actually is.

This was my moment.

As I just lay there staring up, watching the shadows of the fan blades dance across my ceiling, I remembered back 2 years. To a time when I was so desperately lost in a relationship doomed, yet like a hopeless Junkie, I was addicted and I couldn't shake my yearnings and cravings for intimacy.

Untill I realized that God loved me enough, that he sent my bro, Matt back to get me.

-------------------

A lot has changed in my life over the last 2 years. You know I realized that I've been single for 2 whole years. What a wonderful thing.

things are going to change. God wants things to change. I'm at a milestone.

3 years ago I was deciding where I was going to move away to, my first big move out of home. At that time, it was huge.

And now, here I nearly find myself again. Where to after Uni, Armidale? Newcastle?
Forster? or head South? A friend of mine has been speaking of teaching positions in Melbourne/Ballarat...

Who knows?! Coz I sure don't.

I don't know where I'll go.

God does, I know he does, and in time he'll reveal that to me, I trust him to do that in his time, the perfect time.

But alas. I am not going to alow myself to get stressed about it all. Uni is over for another year, it's time to enjoy my holidays and all my free time which comes with them.

Bless you!

Your joking...I wrote a song.

I fiddled with this song, and dedicated it to my beautiful soul-sister Belinda. Now I know that this is a God thing because I may be many things, but I would not count 'songwriter' in there. I know that I get alot out of this song too, and I believe it's Gods song. I'm flattered that he let me be involved.

More than you will ever know

As I look into your eyes
I see the pain that churns so deep inside
Because your carrying the weight
Of a world which burns all hope alive
It's time you opened up your ears
And hear the sound of knocking on the door
Realize this roads to hard to walk
Without a shoulder to lean your head upon

Oh I, Love you more than you will ever know
And I'll take you in my arms and never let you go
I'll catch every tear which falls down from your eyes
Oh now, we're walking side by side
Your hand resting safely within mine

Your heart has heard the call
And it longs to dwell within my courts
Till you catch a glimpse of lies
The ones that shredded the dreams you hold inside
Yet you turn away once more
To chase those lies right out the door
Till you end up where you were
crawling back to me and crying out for more

Oh I, Love you more than you will ever know
And I'll take you in my arms and never let you go
I'll catch every tear which falls down from your eyes
Oh now, we're walking side by side
Your hand resting safely within mine
...
Your heart resting safely within mine...

J.R.Braybrook, 2005

Homeward Bound.

It seems that the end of another University year has arrived.

I was up at 7am this morning in order to drive Wae Jae to a work related conference,I had insisted the night before that we leave at 8am because I was sure he didn't know where we were going, all he had was a street name and number, apart frm that he was running blind.

But in fine Wae Jae style we didn't leave untill 8:20 which meant that we were driving blindly around town desperately trying to find the street. I tend to handle this sort of stress okay, and not much fazes me, but I draw the line at being talked to like I'm an idiot. Obviously in his frustration, Wae jae started twisting the whole situation so that it was somehow my fault, and preceded to talk to me with the language one might use when speaking to a 5 year old. I mustered up all my strength to keep myself from driving his side of the car into a telegraph pole.

when we finally found the street, I stopped the car one building before the one he would enter and he refused to leave the car until I stopped it in front of the one he wanted...by this stage was silently fuming, while pleading with God to stop me from blowing up. In my stubbornness I told him that considering the circumstances I just endured, I think he could manage to walk 3 meters. And he did.

Things have been interesting in regards to my relationship with Wae Jae. I think he's an absolutely great guy. He just, honestly believes that the whole revolves around himself, and if it doesn't...then it should. majority of the time I'm able to ammuse myself highly with one of my favourite quotes of his, which I use often being "The whole World doesn't revolve around me Jessica".

I guess my only complaint is that while I'm happy to invest in his life, I'm not always convinced that he's doing the same thing on the flip-side...and that wears you down. I guess when you take the time to know someone, and sincerely want to help them and encourage them through life, I'm the sort of person that needs that sort of investment in me also.

When I've chatted to Wae Jae about it, he's always come out with a line like "I'm not your boyfriend Jess" To which I inwardly (And probably have stated outwardly also) scoffed "And just as well - or I think you'd be living in the dog house"
But I don't know, I guess I feel that he's being a cop-out! you don't have to be dating someone in order to invest in them. I think he needs to start looking beyond himself a bit more.

I didn't start writing this in order to create a slag-out Wae Jae session, perhaps my thoughts are irrational, but thats what I'm feeling at the moment, and so in the spirit of honesty I typed them straight up here.

till I type again, stay beautiful.

P.S. and in regards to the post title, I'm heading home on Friday - back to Forster.
So Bee and Hayley; I'll see you soon gorgeous gals.

Herbie Hiccups...

Okay, so I'm trying to do the healthy thing and I must say that I'm genuinely enjoying it - bar one thing. I'm on these Herbal suppliments which are suppose to ensure I get all the vitamins and minerals I need as well as encourage more energy. But every time I burp I get this terrible herby aftertaste, which is absolutely revolting to say the least.
Bec and I have been walking the hill, and I realized another reason for wanting to get into shape. IN nearly exactly a year Bec and Trev are getting married and I've been incredibly honoured to be asked to be one of their bridesmaids. So for the last 6 months I've been ragging on Bec to get some horrible frilly, puffy, longsleeved, high necked, booted wedding gown, and then she goes and asks me to be her bridesmaid and I'm just waiting to see the ugly payback for those months of taunting brought into being in the form of what I shall wear for their big day...Oh dear, what have I done :P

.........................

Trev came over to stay in Armidale last night, and it was great to see the bloke again - actually it was gorgeous to see the happy couple looking so...well, happy. They're actually a pretty incredible match, they compliment each other beautifuly.....this is where I go all girly and say something along the lines of "Awwww...looooove"



Trev(Wevvy), Bec(Sheep-hearder), Charissa (charisma), Me and Wae-Jae (wedgie)



..........................

Not alot else has happened, I'm 2 days to the completion of my third year of Uni, YAY!!

...........................

Oh, I'm heading back to Melbourne in late November. My sis Kate and a good friend Erin were looking to head that way and since they knew how much I loved Melbourne, invited me to join them there. Can't say any of the details yet, as there really isn't anything to know, except We'll most probably be flying Jet star, and unless other arrangements are made, we'll be staying at my Awesome Aunty Jans Place.
Belinda wherever you are, You've got to come too, there'll be more people this time and we learnt a lesson last time....this trip will be oodles better ;)

bucket, wave, sing and drink...

And so it happened (I just broke the rule of starting a sentence with 'and') Last night I ran the bible study. I was supposed to run it last Tuesday, but the wonderful Andrew got to chatting about evangalism and the likes of, and when he talks about something I just can't help but sit in awe, I love that brain and so the last thing I was going to do was interrupt and change the direction of the night.
So at the helm of the bible study this week was Mwah! Probably worked in my favour to not have done it last week, as come last night I had my nerves more under control than I had the same time the week before.

Throughout it felt so painful, I didn't feel that I was making the connections I wanted to make, or that I was even expressing things the way I wanted them to be expressed...

But at the end of the night people told me they thought it was great, that I had done an awesome job, leading the discussion. I didn't really agree, but their words were kind, and people really seemed to be able to chat about the topic raised which was encouraging.

I guess when it comes down to it, I felt challenged throughout the whole preparation and application process...I felt stretched. I guess it's just another example of Christs faithfulness, I asked for it and he brought it to being. I'm not sure if I'll run another bible study for a while, at the completion of the last the first thing I thought was, I don't think I'm designed to lead a small group. But then Nick came over and said that I should consider doing another one. So maybe more practise will flex this little muscle a bit.

............................

On the subject of muscles, I've decided that it's time to really get in shape. Of late as I've really begun to shape up spiritually, I've really felt convicted about the condition I've allowed my body to be in. When I really look at it, I don't believe that I'm honouring God by being a lazy-ass. So I've decided that it's time for a Godly boot-camp of sorts. My aim is to create a healthy mind, body and spirit. As Uni comes to a close for another year, I've decided to spend the next 3 months really stepping up to the challenge. I love a good challenge.
Daily stretching of the mind, spirit and body.
Your more than welcome to share this challenge with me. I'll share with you here about my progress. Encouragement is more than welcome...and heck knows there are going to be days when I'll really need it.

So to kick off - "Body-step" tonight...it's hard, but I think I've found an exercise which I really love!!

P.S. Got swooped by a Magpie today as Bec and I were trecking up the hill - add to that the fact that the cops drove past right on cue, laughing hysterically and then as I blindly spun trying to avoid a beak to the back of the head, I walked straight into the chest of some bloke coming down the hill, would have falen on my butt except he grabbed my arm before I could fall too far. All I managed to mumble in the chaos was "I nearly killed you and then you saved me!"
Hmmm...interesting day...Man, I was laughing hysterically, all I can say is that I'm glad the bloke was laughing too.

Have an awesome day guys wear a bucket on your head while waving your arms furiously, singing and remember to drink plenty of water! ;)

He's mixing it up...

So, I've been asked to bring something to share at bible study this week. Nick approached me on sunday about it and asked if I didn't mind would I be interested in deciding the direction of the night.
My initial reaction was to say 'No' but then when I took a moment to consider, I realized that this was the sort of opportunities I'd been sort of wanting in a round-a-bout sort of way. So I decided to say okie doke.
And pretty much straight away I started to think, "what have I gotten myself into?!"
But I brainstormed last night, and just really laid it before God and asked him to decide the direction of the night. When I woke up this morning and started reading through some of the idea's I really felt at peace with one in particular, which coincidently (I don't think so!!) is the one which requires me to be the most vulnerable.
I Figure that it makes sense since I did ask God to keep me humble through the whole experience so that it doesn't become a "Oh I'm leading" power trip. So some of the things Gods stirring in me to share are definitely going to keep me humble, and to be absolutely honest, scares the bejeebers outta me.

So thats the big thing of the moment, just preparing myself to serve the best way I can.

On the Nick situation, things are good. As I've spent my time in close fellowship with God I feel as though I've been wearing my spiritual blinders a bit more, not allowing myself to be distracted by other things. Because of this I was able to have a great chat with Nick after Church on sunday, no craziness or moronics, just some good laughs and interesting convo.

*HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF*

Sunday Arvo, I headed out to lunch with the girls at 'rumours' and got some piccies. I really have to start getting more piccies up here...I will eventually.
I love hanging out with my girls, they're among some of the greatest blessings in my life.

Watched the movie "Kingdom of Heaven" SOooooooo good! Loved it so much, so I bought it for my dad for his birthday, a pressy we can both enjoy ;)

Hmmm...what else?!

OH! heres a biggen, which I'm pretty stoked about. Bec came back chatting about her big weekend on the grog and doing all these different things, and whre my flesh use to crave that old man lifestyle I had. I felt sick...
I don't just mean disgusted, but I started feeling physically sick, like I was going to throw-up.
perhaps I'm strange - actually thats a given. But having that feeling made me feel 'over the moon'.
As I've spent more and more time in fellowship with God, my heart is changing, my desires are changing, and I'm really seeing the uselessness of this worlds filfillments for what they are - Trash!

Gods changing me and I love it - I just want to serve him with everything.
Tiny fear that I may loose friendships...since I'm not into the party scene anymore - but God is more faithful and I'm taking on the attitude that, it really doesn't matter to me. People matter to me, but the only way I can help them, is to allow myself to show them the way, to point them to Jesus, and I can't do that while I'm just one of the masses.
Gods call and his purpose is starting to weigh so heavily on my conciousness that I don't want to live out my days trying to make everyone happy. I want to live out my days to make my saviour, my dad happy.
I'm his passion - He's gotta be mine too!!

dis-jointed words...of a growing heart.

So you like someone, realize that your not getting any signals at all, fear even daring to make your feelings known out of fear of rejection. No make that, you don't make your feelings known because your not recieving any signs that they're interested in you.

So you pray, and you feel God telling you that he wants you to let it go.

It's been a year getting to know this person, you respect them hugely and everytime you think of letting it go you think "But what am I supposed to do after that?"

"There is no sacrifice without pain" They're the words God whispered to my spirit last night...
"Nor shall I make offerings to the Lord my God with that which costs me nothing"
2 Samuel 24:24 - thats the verse thats been bouncing around in my head.

You'll have to excuse my very broken writing tonight, I'm just knackered, my brain is fried from this stupid social Justice Essay and I'm more than ready for a sleep.

I've been living up a huge God week this week. The busiest week of Uni this term and my buddy Fless and I made a pact to fully go out hard for God. Craziness, perhaps, but we want to make a concious effort ot keep God on top of everything in our lives, especially when everything tells us to bury it for a while untill life settles down...after all, this life is LIFE!

so thats me, I work, I pray, I study, I worship, I think and I cry...

God said I could have a good cry about the whole situation - for all of you on the outside looking in, I bet it sounds ridiculous and I'll agree, it probably is. But to me, it means something, and to me it's something my heart has to deal with.

I know God wants me single right now, but I'm only human, I miss the companionship, I miss having someone to hold and someone to be held by.
But God is faithful, never cruel. It's as simple as that.

I trust you Dad, I've just got to pop on the blinders and keep my eyes fixed on you.

Appreciation...

So it's been a few days since I last posted, and here I find myself tapping at the keyboard on a rainy saturday afternoon.
Some of my mob from Armidale came up with the concept of comedy-dessert fests on a saturday night, so thats what I'm preparing for currently; this weeks viewing will consist of "Mother and Son" accompanied by big bowls of ice cream with all the shabbang (Sprinkles choc sauce, choc bits)
We've got plans for Mr Bean, Lano and Woodley and Carl Barron amongst others (One each week) over the next few weeks.

Though I must admit that while I'm anticipating this evening I'm missing Wae Jae terribly, I KNOW! I never thought that would happen :p
Nah I have to admit that I've grown incredibly fond of the man. Over the last week we've sat up till around 2am chatting about all sorts of things, I've never had an incredibly close male friend and I must say that I'm loving it. I guess the greatest thing about it all is that there is a level of transparancy which occasionally leaves me awe-struck. But at the same time there is no confusion in the emotional arena, we both know where we stand and there's something very liberating about not having to worry that the other may be reading into something more than was intended.
Though what was exciting was Felicity's admital of her feelings towards Wae Jae, had I not been driving at the time I would have leapt out of my seat for sheer excitement. I couldn't help feeling that it would be the ultimate union.
I love Felicity and Wae Jae incredibly, so so much. Wae Jae had spoken of another woman about a month ago, and as he spent some time with her I remember feeling saddened by the fact that he wasn't around very much anymore, because she didn't like coming over to his place, so he was constantly over there. My concern was also that he often missed church and bible studies because he was 'busy'. Granted you don't need those things in order to continue with your christian walk, but when you know someone well, you can see when they're struggling, and I could see that in Wae Jae.
But alas those times have passed, and call me selfish but I'm grateful for being able to have my buddy back.

Finally I get to the point which I intended to begin with. Wae Jae graduated yesterday with his Bachelor of Commerce.[see piccie] Luke and I sat in the scorching sun for 2 hours to watch him take the stage and shake some hands. His parents and Grandma had travelled over from Malaysia to attend and so I got to meet the people responsible for this funny little man. Wae Jae's mother was adorable, absolutely gorgeous and just incredibly lovely, we both whinged about having colds and shared some tissues and cough lollies. Luke and I got some piccies with the boy and then headed down the hill to leave the family to some hang-out time.



And so, early this morning Wae Jae and his family headed off to Sydney for a week, and it's in his absense that I'm realizing just how much I appreciate him. Already there's been a couple of things which I wanted to walk into his room and get the male perspective on...

HA!

I just got a text message from him asking me a question about what we were chatting about last night, he said that he needed the female perspective. Craziness!!

But yeah I guess the point that I'm getting to is that I don't want to take anyone for granted, I mean Wae Jaes only going to be gone for a week, but he doesn't know whether he'll stay here in Australia or head back to Malaysia. He's been talking about it all for a while, and I guess it's starting to hit home that if he does go somewhere else, I'm gonna miss him SO much! He's not just my friend, but he's become like a brother, he's like family and I love him so much!



So you oh faithful reader, don't take anyone for granted, use the time you have to tell them how much you love them and need them in your day. It's such an amazing thing to have the honour of being able to share life with such incredible people.
Thankyou for your friendship and your love, I appreciate you so sincerely.

Your sister always
Jess xoxo

Update...

Prac was definitely interesting. Well when I'm perdfectly honest, prac broke my heart.
There were so many children within that classroom that were just so broken, so shattered with life; divorce, domestic abuse, custody battles; had all taken their tole on this little stars. In a way, as I would watch these kids, when I had the opportunity to chat with them in the relaxed setting of the lunch seats it made me feel as though they'd almost had their innocence stolen from them. These were 8 year olds who had been forced to take their 4 year old sister to the car where they would sleep because dad was hitting mummy again; who weren't allowed to see dad anymore because he had tried to steal them from mummy; who often didn't bring lunch because their just wasn't enough food in the house that day.
More than anything else in this world I want to teach. I loved these kids that I had the honour of sharing 6 weeks with.
Yes it was tough, yes I still have so much to learn in order to be the best teacher I can be - but I wan't to be the best I can be, I want to try and make a difference in these kids lives, more than anything I want these kids to have the opportunity to just be kids.
So many of them had been forced by their homelives to become 'little-adults' and it broke my heart, when more than anything they just wanted to know the care-free spirit of a child.

The world has changed alot from when I was a kid - there are so many broken children, who grow up into rebellious teenagers and angry adults because the world has cheated them.

more than anything I just want to love them - if I can only change their days for those 6 hours they're at school, thats enough, thats something...
...
....but wow! did I love those kids, I cried on the last day as all the girls gave me tight cuddles, and the boys (little dudes) lingered near by not sure whether they were too cool for a hug. Till I bent down and said with a wink "I know guys hate this, but I reckon I could do with a hug, coz I'll miss you alot" They we're willing, and secretly I think they enjoyed it ;)

I saw one of the little guys, Koye , at vacation care and man-oh-man. My heart was huge! I was wearing the biggest grin when I saw him, and I remember thinking at the time 'if I had kids of my own this is what it would feel like'
it was one of 'my kids', well at least they felt like my own, and I just loved every one of them sooo sooo much.

I looking to head back and help out on the class at the end of this term, because I'm missing them so much.

All I can say is that God is so faithful and so good. I met with him each afternoon of prac. And he gave me rest, he filled me with strength and helped me step into each day with his power. It wasn't easy at the start of prac, but God was there and he saw me right through to the end.
He was my rock!
and I would have been a mess without him with me.

'Thankyou-for your faithfulness daddy, which sustains me each and every day.'

Long time no blog

So it's been quite a while since I've blogged, and alot has happened, alot of stretching ang growing and challenging has been taking place. Too much to go into too much detail right now. But I've been learning so very very much. Over the next few entries I hope to share with you some of the things that have been going on in Jezika's world.
I hope that I won't bore you, and I hope that I can be as honest about everything as possible.
But to give you a bit of an Update;

I finished prac, it was tough, alot of hurting kids there, and it broke my heart, it was hard work, really challenged me, but every kid was absoultely beautiful and I loved 'em to bits. It was sad to say goodbye.

A close family freinds of ours Lauchlan March, at the age of 22 died. It was devastating, absolutely heartbreaking. But he loved his God and he served him faithfully, and so in my heart I know that we will meet again.

I've been learning incredible things about Gods grace and faithfulness

I celebrated my 21st Birthday in fine style, with a return to childhood party, complete with kiddy party food and kiddy party games and music. I don't think it could have been better, musical chairs was an absolute riot and everyone made an effort with the costumes. We had school kids, Tigger, Nipper lifesavers, Barbie, Mr Squiggle, Imaginary friends, superhero's....absolute Gold! what a way to celebrate!

Seems it's my fave day of the week.

Had an awesome sunday, as I always seem to do of late.

Went to the 10am service at church, we had a guest speaker from just down the road at Glen Innes. WOW! great stuff, speaking about the fear of God, cleared up a few of my confusions.
After the service I went and grabbed a cuppa with the girls, gave out a few invites to Kate and my 21st, then we had another Electrolight conference meeting, and Damn! is the holy spirit awesome or what. Kez, who's also on the creative design team pulled out her sketching pad to share a few idea's she'd been having, I grabbed mine too and as we flicked our way through them all, everyone started humming with excitement. Mick turned to one of the pages in each of our pads and sat them side by side as Davo let out a "YOUR JOKING" we'd both sketched practically the same image, it was unreal!
so yeah, there's definite head-way going on at the moment, it's exciting, it'll be sad to leave for a good six weeks while I'm on my next teaching prac.
After the meeting I organised to meet up with the girls for an early dinner, late lunch at Tess's place before we headed to the night service at church. As I walked along texting Laura to let her know I was on my way, I looked up to see Nick pointing straight at me with this huge grin on his face "Whaaa" I mumbled
"The note Jess, thanks for the note, it was really cool"
As I was trecking my way back down the hill last thursday I'd spotted Nicks car in the carpark (It's pretty hard to miss) I'd previously Nick-named it the "Happy Car" due to it's bright yellow colour, but seeing it reminded me to pray about his whole work situation, so I grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled him a quick not which I left under his windshield wiper
"Hey Nicko!
Saw your beast parked here and it gave me a kick!
"The Happy Car" - reminded me to pray for ya!
Have an awesome day brother
Jess :)"

Got a bit of a run-down, and Nicks managed to score an interview with the company he really wanted, so thats awesome news! I'll keep praying

So I headed to dinch (dinner/lunch) with the girls, and we chatted and acted like fools, which was unreal then headed over the 6pm service at church...The place was absolutely buzzing, which was unreal! everyone was so pumped so the whole mob of us were moshing about - Felicity was up singing with the Band - So proud, she was nervous, but beautiful!
stayed after the service for Cafe`, chatted and hung out with the gang...
Great great times.
Had a full car when I left, headed all over armidale dropping people home...fantastic!
Had a good ol' chat to Fless afterwards...always one of my favourite times...

So this week...3 assignments to finish, travelling home on saturday...
coming to the realization that I'm going to miss arkidale SOOO much while I'm gone (Never thought I'd feel that way)

Thanks Lord, for knowing how much I would love being here, long before I could even see the light :D

Thanks to Bec-star...now I'm hooked on Quizzes

stupid quizzes didn't work...but...er....yes, I am hooked

"Teddy Scare"

We're making a movie!

Wae-jae, Bec and Myself are having a crack at it and today we started shooting our first scenes literally 5 minutes ago. The quality is going to be dodge, but oh man, just coming up with the idea's has had us all in stitches.

The basic plot; Bec was delivered a giant Teddy bear (I mean seriously this thing is big, it comes up to about my hips) - we grabbed Luke to play the delivery man - the note which accompanied it said it was from a secret admirer. The next few scenes involve Bec introducing me to the teddy, the pair of us loving it to bits - shots of us doing all sorts of Jazz with 'Teddy' - eating dinner, playing computer, going for a walk, sleeping, watching T.V. The plan is to change clothes in every shot as well as have little titles 1 week later...basically Teddy has become a huge part of our lives and we love him to bits.
Then we get a new flatmate Wae-Jae, immediately wae-jae dislikes Teddy and thinks theres something unsettling about him. One night over dinner Wae-Jae confesses his dislike.
weird stuff starts to happen, I won't go into to much detail coz it's going to be something which you've gotta see :P perhaps if your kind I'll get you a copy.
So anywhoo basically the teddies alive, and the only thing it says is "Hooooney" in this real scratchy creepy voice. But the only one who ever see's it moving or hears it is Wae-Jae, the rest of us think he's nuts.
I don't want to give away the ending but it involves a honey sandwich, a plastic axe, tomato sauce, a mobile phone, an enraged Teddy and a terrible stink.

Man we're having the best time. I'll definitely fill you in, I have this feeling that my bro Matt is going to love it!

....
On a completely unrelated note I saw Becs car today while I was at Uni, so I wrote her a quick note and pinned it under her windscreen wipers, then on the same stretch I saw Nicks car which I've nick-named the "happy Car" coz it's got this shape which I thinks quite funny and it's bright bright yellow...seeing the car actually reminded me to pray about his whole Job situation, so I scribbled another quick note and left it on his windscreen...
Bec came back and said that I'd freaked her out because she'd seen the note and thought that she'd gotten a parking ticket (Yaaaaaay for me!! hoping Nick had the same heart-attack :P)

Pretty good day today, can't complain can't complain - Bec and I have decided to grab dinner tonight - pizza perhaps, in celebration of our interviews which went well - our 4 week teaching programs have been approved! YAY!

Got a message today from the beautiful Rea, She's living in Virginia in America as a nanny thingy-majig, she's awesome, easily one of my greatest friends in the whole world. I was sort of having a bit of a blue moment and then she sent it, instantly brought a smile to my face - she always had a knack for being able to do that. Rea your fantastic! a great friend who I'm blessed unbelievably to have - I love you!

Relational Drama's

As i promised here I am again...In order for the sunday night convo to make sense, I feel it appropriate to provide some background information.

About a month ago, Fless, Tess and I met for Coffee in a little Armidale Cafe`, we arrived at about 4pm and left no sooner than 9pm that evening. We talked, the 3 of us really really chatted about just about anything and everything. The big topic of the time was in fact Nick - yes the same Nick which I have spoken of in past posts. It seems that I was not alone in my initial fascinations of the man. Tess and Fless shared their own affections towards him, which if anything, was interesting.

I'm not a fan of competition, and if anything the revelations made me feel as though I was in primary school, so I sort of vowed that I would 'get over it' and forget about the whole Nick thing, I've been a kid once I don't want to be that again.

I've picked up that Tess isn't altogether sure of herself, of late I've sensed an almost clingy mentality which I find slightly suffocating. As Felicity and I chatted over Coffee at Cafe` we both expressed our fear that we were perhaps become too Cliquey - something which we both see incredibly eye-to-eye on, to put it simply, we don't want to be that! So we decided to spread out on sunday night and chat and sit with other people and do some timely mingling, which was some of the best fun I've had in a long time, Fless agreed, however Tess didn't think so, she actually got a little cranky because we did it, I fear that she may have thought that we were seperating in order to get away from her, Fless and I tried to explain that we weren't doing anything of the sort, rather we were preventing anyone else from thinking that we were trying to 'get away from' them.

The church body is so important, and I want to know each member, and the only way to do that is to make the time to. Sure there are going to be people who you know or get along with better than others, but that doesn't mean that it should by any means become something exclusive.

So anyway,as I stated in other posts Im dealing with the whole Nick thing, and I think I'm doing remarkably well (If I do say so myself) Basically the standing I've come to is that while I'm not persuing a dating relationship with the guy, I am keen to build a friendship - thus is the reason for some drama on sunday night.

As I sat in Fless's college room I was able to really chat about everything which was going on, it was great to be able to have a good vent about it.

When it came down to it, the only real drama was that Tess is pretty much convinced that she is in love with Nick, meaning that any attempt I, or fless make to be friends with the bloke is read, in Tess's eyes, as us 'having a crack' - incredibly frustrating and in my opinion... immature.
Fless is such a support, she said to me "Jess, you know your heart, you know your intentions, and I believe you when you say that your only seeking friendship with Nick. Believe me when I say that you should not have to worry about how Tess is viewing your conversations with this guy, or your interactions with him. If she goes into a jealous rage about it, well thats her problem...granted we're called to not bring one another to anger, but your by no means doing anything which is out of line, cruel or malicious. Just keep being you Jess, who knows, you may very well end up with Nick and if that were to happen I'd like to think that each of su would be able to deal with that maturely with our friendshisps still in tact - I mean who knows, maybe Tess and Nick will end up married in a couple of years - what I'm saying is we don't know where any of this will end up, but at the end of the day the only thing that is important is that you stay true to who you are,stay true to your God and Tess is going to have to deal with her emotions and her intentions, you can't do that for her, just keep being a friend...keep doing what your good at"

Truth be told Fless explained that the same sort of thing had been happening to her, apparantly Tess was under the impression that Fless was deliberately trying to embarrass her in front of Nick. I was glad that I had been there the whole night as I was able to put Fless at ease, that in my opinion she had done nothing which could be viewed as relational sabotage.

After a good chat, we decided to pray that God would intervene and prevent this from turning into something it really shouldn't be. I was getting images of broken friendships because everyone wanted Nick. It's ridiculous!

Fless and I decided that God isn't a cruel little man sitting in the clouds with a big club just waiting for the chance to mess us up. We prayed for Tess, we prayed for each of us, for a clearing of the emotions that we wouldn't ruled by them, but rather that God would aid us in applying wisdom to each and every situation.

Let me just say that I felt a lot of peace over the situation.
I sort of regretted ever telling the girls about my past feelings for Nick, because I wondered if I hadn't would it have come to this?
Ah well, I'mm glad that we're nipping it in the butt early.
Everythings going to be cool, as Fless said, Tess is still a fairly young Christian she's still learning alot, and we ourselves still have so much to learn...pray that God would use this to grow us, and teach us whatever it is we're meant to learn.

Praise God ! he is faithful, he is pretty darn great!

Yeah!! lets get some happy claps going... :p

Sunday happenings...

It seems that I've discovered an incredible buddy in Felicity.

Sunday night I headed over to Fless's (<---I'll explain felicity's nick-name later) college room to chat about the evenings happenings, twas an interesting evening.

Sunday morning, I became the mother and got Wae-Jae's butt out of bed, in the car and warming a pew at Church. When Wae-jae first moved into the flat we couldn't believe that we both went to the same church yet had never met before, now I can believe it, as the likely-hood of actually running into the fella at church was slim, left to his own devices he probably only heads along once every couple of months. Great Preach by pastor davo! - really good stuff.
Wae-Jae left immediately after the sermon, claimed he was in the mood for a walk, I knew him better - he was going back to bed.

So I hung around, doing what I do every sunday afternoon, chatting my way around the Church Cafe`. Now I must say that I've been pleasantly suprised by Laura, I met this shy little petal last sunday night at Church - I'm normally quite introverted when I first meet people, however of late I've noticed my willingness to really force myself to be more out-going, more myself in order to make others feel welcomed. So thats what I did with Laura. She expressed a desire to come along to the UNE bible studies on Tuesday nights, so I offered her my mobile number and gave her the directions to my flat so that we could meet there, then head over to the study together - thought it would be more comfortable walking in with someone you vaguely know, rather than entering a room full of strangers.

So after all that babbling I'll get back on track - I had to head along to the "Electrolight Team meeting" but I organised to meet Laura for Lunch straight after.

The team meeting was fun - didn't realize there was free Pizza involved, nice surprise. We embraced the opportunity for happy-clap moments, in-fact every time a member of the team entered of left the room a cheer went up, good laugh. We got more direction which was great, sorted through some stuff, basically just people establishing what area of the event they want to be focused on. Kez was talking about me being the leader of the Creative design team "Your the Arty one Jess, you'll be great, we'll be your faithful little lemmings, just show us the way" - little iffy, but it was definitely exciting, we'll see though.

Met Laura at the Court House - was in a great mood because I was able to get an awesome park due to the lack of parking restrictions on sundays (God bless the sabath!) we headed down to Macca's where I was sneezed on by a young kid from Church. I met little Joseph that morning, he's 3 and adorable and as he was chasing my shoes, he let out a rip-snorter of a sneeze which covered my legs...ahhh, children eh! surprisinly my gross metre must be malfunctioning because I just laughed hysterically instead. Laura later held up her straw, thinking it was completely empty and blew, managing to spray me with fushia pink slushy...ahhh, obviously the day for it!.

After a couple of hours at Macca's (the only place open on a sunday arvo) I dropped Laura home, singing along to the vegi-tales tape the whole way.

Headed back to the flat with Asia, had enough time to freshen up a little before heading back to Church for the 6 o'clock service.

I sat on my own, and can I just say I loved it so much - no distractions, just me and my God.

After the service while people headed off to the cafe` down the other end of the church, the band headed back up and were playing some mosh-worthy numbers, so we hung around. Tess and Felicity suddenly appeared beside me and we had a bit of a chat (they'd headed to Tamworth for the day) Tess, Jess and Felicity ---- > thus why Felicity became Fless, (Tess, Jess and Fless ;) )

I wanted to Mosh, Fless indulged me and we headed up with the mob of 'em, Nick was leading, thus why Tess wouldn't mosh, but I'll explain all that later, In fact I'll post again in a minute to explain the whole situation, as it'll take a good deal in order to explain properly. I figured that most things I do I either look like a moron or spaz so why fight it, embrace the unc and have a blast - thus I moshed and Fless and I had a good little laugh-a-puff session ;)

We headed out to Cafe` once the music stopped for the night, where I managed to somewhat embarrass Nick (Yessssss! for meee ) He had a hair hanging from his beard and while he was chatting to me I was just watching that hair swing from side to side, untill I couldn't stand it any longer so I reached out and grabbed it - Nick freaked out thinking that he had Naco's caught up in his beard, needless to say he was relieved that it was just a hair, made me laugh though when he commented "So THATS what you were looking at, I'll admit that you were making me a little nervous when you wouldn't break the stare you had going with my beard". Hung around, had a blast left at about 11pm, Dropped Fless home and while chatting in the car decided to head into the warmth of her room in order to continue the convo...and deal with the issues of the night. So to leave you oh avid reader in a suspence of sorts, I shall post the conversation of the night in my next entry.

Magic...

Today it was raining....more than that it was absolutely pouring down...

LOVE IT!!

Wae-jae asked for a lift down the street since it was raining and I was bored I took the boy for a drive, then found a parking spot furthest from the shopping centre so we could walk for a good way in the rain. Call me a freak, yes, yes I am
Wae-jae of course complained the whole way as we trecked it in the rain, but man, I had the absolute best time I was jumping in the puddles all the way there, hitting them at just the right angle that it sent the water splashing all over Wae-Jae...eventually he stopped whinging and started splashing me back, Mad fun! should of seen us as we entered K-Mart absolutely soaking wet - Drowned Rats! :)

Came back, had a shower, dried off and got into my Jim-Jams then wrapped myself up in a big doona and watched video's.

OH, then I had the incredible fun of taking Wae-Jae through a complete facial...we're talking scrub, cleanser, mud mask, toner and moisturiser...he was an excellent student :P let me have my girly moment...he was cracking me up coz he was so interested in learning all the tricks of the trade.

Later that night I headed over to Tess's place, where we had ice-cream with all the Jazz, then headed over to Youth Group, Matt Andronica's was talking about Evolution, I love this blokes brain...and I grew to love it even more tonight, he's not only supa smart but he's one of the most effective communicators I've ever met. So Yes Yes, we were the creepy old people hanging out with the youngen's reminiscing about the good old days...Wae-jae Whinged the whole time (You may be beginning to notice just how much this boy spends complaining ;) ) But they started doing the hokey-pokey, and you'd better believe I was in there!! I didn't care how old I was!
OOOOOOOOOh the hokey-pokey! some things always stay good...

I dropped Wae Jae back at the flat, then Tess and I headed over to her place for a video, afterwards we had a really great Chat, about God's working in our lives, the miracles the revelations, it was really really wonderful.

I had to park my car down the road, which meant that when I came out at 1am it was well and truely dark, and the chill was so heavy in the air I was freezing, and terrified when I'm completely honest.
The area isn't known for being real safe, so I was really scared, as I walked down the road, my gut clenched so tightly, praying and reciting the verse "For God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of POWER and of Love and of a SOUND MIND". I gripped my keys tightly in my hand holding them between my fingers as Matt had shown me incase someone did 'have a go' I was praying in tongues as I fumbled with the Lock and finally got the door open, sat down and immediately locked the door beside me. The windscreen was iced over, I managed to squirt enough water form the wipers to get a little circle of clear windscreen, I drove the whole way home, with incredibly impressive posture as I peeked through this little circle of clear windscreen, praying, praying that God would get me back ok.

I arrived safely, as I stepped out of the car and began to walk across the grass, I was just blown away by the beauty which surrounded me, there was soft ice everywhere lightly coating the grass and with the small amount of light which reflected it, everywhere around me it sparkled and shimmered, it was as though glitter had been sprinkled upon everything. As I took a deep breath in (and managed to get a brain freeze) I looked up at the sky - it was a perfect night, stars sprinkling, so clear...absolutely beautiful.

I managed to get into my room, fell to my knee's and just wept and whispered prayers of thanks, I had been so scared in that street, moved on to worried as I navigated my way home through the frosted windscreen, and finally ended with absolute awe as I was to behold the beautiful wooing God had left for me upon the lawn of my flat.

God truely is a wonderful wonderful lover, he blows my mind and I am so grateful that he loves me, truely truely loves me.

Change in the diet...

I've been a vegetarian for the last 5 years. An ova-lacto's vegetarian to be even more correct, which meant that I didn't eat red or white meat, but still scoffed on eggs and dairy.

However, it appears that things are changing. For a while now I've been feeling incredibly exhausted, more tired than I ever have before which I thought was strange since this is the healthiest that I've been in yonks - exercising regularly - no junky food - just fruit and vegies - plenty of water - plenty of sleep (in fact I've been taking naps which I've never done because I've been so tired) but I was still feeling just totally knackered.

So I headed to the medical centre and it seems my iron is low - really low. Explained my situation to the Doc and it seems that my body just isn't absorbing the iron from my other foods and so meat is the only way to go.

Call me a sook, call me whatever, but Thursday night as I prayed and read my bible for encouragement I had a good cry about it all. I've realized that when it comes to change I'm not always the best...I'm not terrible either, once I've gone through with something then I'm just fine and dandy, it's just making myself take that initial step.

So I ate some chicken nuggets, 30% work myself up to the heavier stuff and so far so good - no nights spend on the loo thinking I'm going to die.

Feeling a little vulnerable right now - and then Bec sent me this text message; (She's not a christian, but I asked her to pray for me) "I haven't prayed in a long time so I dunno what things r like between me n god at the moment, but I'll give it a shot coz I love u so much, n ur so important 2 me"
Stareted the waterworks off again but allowed me the opportunity to really pray into Bec's life. It's actually a really exciting time with the opportunities I've had to chat to Bec about God and his love has been awesome.
God is Good...
Your prayers would be wonderful right now - that I won't get sick and that I won't feel terribly guilty. I've been praying about it all and I genuinely feel a peace about eating meat. I think that I've discovered the balance and it came during some prayer, "Jess, you can eat meat, still love animals and continue to condemn animal cruelty..."

I'll be fine...

Joining the Team...

Chatted to Kez on sunday about the "Electrolight Youth Conference" which is due to run for the 2nd year early next febuary. They've been looking for arty-farties in order to make up a design team. When I chatted to Kezza she was so excited and granted I was already pretty stoked with the opportunity to really put myself into such an awesome project.
We spent a good part of the afternoon chatting about the direction which the conference wants to take this coming year and what they're hoping to do. Kez is a bit of an arty too, so we were throwing around ideas about what we could have going on over the course of the weekend. Man I was so excited, really got the creative juices flowing. As part of the creative design team we're in charge of the lighting, the flyers and pamphlets, as well as all the decrorative aspects of the event which included the big background canvas designs.
The theme is "Purpose" and draws heavily from Jeremiah, you know the verse "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you..." just tossing idea's around with Kez and the concepts of huge canvases with developing bubs and those words across them, as well as statements such as "Leave your mark - change YOUR world" with images of hand and foot-prints.
We have a team meeting scheduled for sunday afternoon, wo it'll be cool to get together and have a chat about what everyons been dreaming up and the area's they would like to persue.
I'll grab a link to the conference web site as soon as I can find it, so you can take a squiz and get an idea what it's ll about. The conference is still only a baby, with last year being the first year it was run, so we have great expectations, and there's an awesome excitement around everyone involved, the gigs been initiated, it's like a fine wine, we're hoping it'll get better and better with age. We're still learning alot, it's an incredibly exciting time.

The link I promised

Personality

You are dependable, popular, and observant. Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness. In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do. You are unique, creative, and expressive. You don't mind waving your freak flag every once and a while. And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming!

The World's Shortest Personality Test

I knabbed the link to this personality test from Bec-star, not convinced that your personality can simply be determined by one click of the mouse on a piccie, but I definitely had to agree with at least some of it, definitely the emotions ruling a lot of what I do...made me think though, is it a weakness that I am so susceptable to the ruling of emotions? I don't believe that I always act on the shovings of emotions, however they often make me stop, think and ponder.

My Lover...

I'm reading a new book...

"Captivating" By John and Stasi Eldridge, Maybe you've heard of it, maybe you haven't. About a year ago I read the book by John Eldridge entitled "Wild at Heart: Discovering the secrets of a mans soul" and I thought it was unreal. Granted I'm not a male but it was definitely worth reading up on what the other half are pondering. I passed the book on to my brother who mumbled a quick thanks and tossed it on the bed beside him, however just last night I received a phonecall from Matty so that he could thank me for passing it on (call it female tuition but I knew he'd like it)
"Wild at Heart" contained one chapter in which it looked at females and as I read it I remember thinking "I wish they had a female version of this..."

So like an answer to that statement, out came "Captivating; unveiling the mysteries of a womans soul".

Last night I cried harder than I can remember crying in a long time, as I read the chapter on 'healing the wound' I realized that for so long I had pushed down the things in my past which had hurt me, the lies which I had held onto for so long. I realized that I had maintained a spirit of rejection in my life, from childhood, from my relationship break-up and the lst goes on...these lies had affected the way I viewed myself, had left me feeling not good enough, not worthy and definitely not beautiful, not captivating my any means.
What really got me though was as I read on, and they spoke of Christ as not only a saviour, a brother...but as a lover.
...
I've sung the songs, I've heard it said but I don't think that I have ever really, I mean REALLY taken the time to discover and love and know Christ as a lover. The book urged me to consider the scenes from movies, Jack and Rose on the Bow of the Titanic, his arms around her waist, their first kiss. Imagine your favourite, your most romantic. Then I was to replace the originals with Christ and myself. The very first thing I thought was "Is that okay? Am I supposed to think of Christ that way?" and to be perfectly honest to begin with it actually made me feel a little awkward, but as time went on I began to realize, that all this time, all these years I have been persued, I am being wooed by the creator of the Universe. Not only does Christ love me, but he looooooooves me. He may not be a chocolates and bunch-of-flowers kinda guy. But he is a lavish lover, his gifts are incredible and he gives them freely and often.

I have already admitted my deep hearted desire to be loved, to be desired, to be persued, and while I had always know that God loved me, I had never really thought it possible that he could make me feel the way a lover does, that glow, that warm fuzzy feeling of knowing that another thinks your beautiful, that knowing that you are persued and desperately craved. As I have begun to seek my God in the same way, love him with the same passion, discover him in the way that two would at the beginning of a relationship...I have been changed, I can feel it right down to my core. I am finally beginning to understand the things which I have read for so long in Gods word. That with Christ as my love for me to choose sin in my life, is to be an adultress, to cheat on the one who I have chosen.
Man I can't even express the joy in my heart, I recognise this feeling, I recognise this peace, of feeling so beautiful simply because I know that I am loved, that I am desired.
...
What really blew my mind, was just how much Christ also desires to be persued by us, to be loved so deeply, so passionately...that not only does he occupy a beautiful place in our heart which is his and his alone, but we hold a sacred place within his which is only able to be filled by us, and us alone...thats mind-blowing...we affect Christ, we have an impact - We are both changed by love, and once linked together we are made whole.

I can't express this anywhere near close to the way I wish I could. I'm in love, and I want the whole world to know it! sure life is still going to be life, things won't always go right, there's still the mundane, the boring, the painful...but...I'm in love, I'm in love and with this love I'm going to make it through.

Oh, I've done it again - placed my heart in uncapable hands...

What wonderful revelations come through nothing less than the grace of God.
Granted, I really haven't been giving God the place he deserves. I could begin to list off the millions of reasons(excuses) why I've been distracted - prac, Uni...whatever- but when it comes down to it, I mean really comes down to it, there is no excuse, EVER! Full stop.
What really gets me though, is that Christ would continue to reveal mysteries even when I don't deserve them.
My revelation came tonight, as I walked in my bedroom door at 11pm. As I mentioned earlier, I was joining the bible study which contained Nick, whom I had been wrestling somewhat in terms of my feelings towards him. Tonight saw a breakthrough of sorts, the revelation of the evening was spread over two phases of the night, the bible study, and mischief afterwards.
I realized just how much I truely admire Nick as a man of God - I mean seriously he blows me away sometimes and for that reason (I'll be the first to admit) that makes him incredibly appealing - I respect him greatly.
It was after the bible study that the revelation really took hold as Wae-Jae and I tried to position a rotting orange on Aarons windowsill (on the 2nd floor flat) while scaling the drain pipe. The whole scene was hilarious ~ as there was only room for one person at a time, I tried first only to establish that I was too short - Wae-Jae being 2 inches taller than me, but possessing an ego which had him convinced that he was at least 6 feet tall - had a crack next. I stood egging him on, laughing hysterically as he repeatedly whacked his head on the downstairs window (mind-you we had no idea who lived in that room) causing a little movement of the curtain from the inside. On about the 3rd whack, the curtain flew open as Wae-Jae and I bolted up our only escape, a steep grassy incline. In the chaos we managed to whack heads - his glasses cutting my forehead. The hilarity however was too much and we decided to abandon the attempt for now, however we both vowed to retrn with a can of shaving cream and the video camera another night.

I guess your wondering where the revelation is.
So here goes...
I have never experienced that sort of hilarity with Nick, and I can't be sure that I ever will. I guess that the point is while, yes I do desire a passionate, on-fire-for-God bloke, I also desire a friend, a partner in mischief. Perhaps Nick has those qualities, and maybe the combination isn't right for that to happen between us, at least. The fact is that right now I just don't know, so basically the conclusion I've come to, for now, is this; Why spend my time pining over someone when I don't even know if they can be the things which I need/want and even more importantly somone who I can't eve be sure that I'm capable of offering the things which they need/want.

It's actually a kind of strange relief because when I really started to write this down, I realized that I've held onto thee things, these feelings for such a long time, that I'm beginning to realize that perhaps I had locked my emotions towards Nick because he was the only one at this point, whom I can see as a tangiable match, yes he does have many a characteristic which I find incredibly attractive, but theres more to it than simply 'the maths adding up' it's about a communion of personalities and at this point in time I really haven't found that with Nick.

I guess it's about trusting God, and believing that It's not something I have to really stress about.
In ths spirit of honesty, which i hope that this blog remains to be. I do crave companionship, which is what makes this so dangerous, attaching emotions to the wrong people because I simply, desire to be loved, to be wanted, to be desired by another. I do believe that I will find genuine and sincere communion with another, I just need to remain faithful to the call God has placed on my life.

The big issue is that I don't want to ignore missing links with Nick, because I admire him incredibly, because he appears to be the only option right now. That probably sounds really terrible and derogatory towards him, but please do not let my words erode his richness, his worth. He is still an incredible person whom I do hope to be able to to claim as a friend in time.
However, for now I do believe that I have been able to establish exactly what he means to me. I wrongly invested my emotions and confused my own feelings - After all it is very possible to admire another greatly without being 'in love' with them - I do love my brother.

...

But I am ready now daddy, really ready(finally) to be patient, to be really patient and wait. Help me to understand that I don't require a 'crush' in order to feel feminine. Please please let me be able to use my lesson and grow from it. Thankyou for your revelations, it's time I spent more of my heart persuing you and loving you more and more, rather than thrusting it towards others whose hands are uncapable of taking hold of my heart. Fill my eyes with vision, so that I see only you, and teach e in your ways...my sacred, my darling.

...