itchy feet...and it's not tinea

I'm sure that I've said it before, about my struggle to be here in Armidale. Tonight I find myself wrestling with it again.

A group of us from my girly bible study headed out, just to chill and enjoy one anothers company, and being the one with the car this meant that I drove everyone about for the night, and it was awesome! There's nothing like a car full of your buddies laughing hysterically!
I decided pretty early on that I wanted to use my car to bless as many people as I can. The fact that I had recieved it at an incredibly reduced rate from my uncle (I call him Unco-dave) meant that it was such a blessing to me, and I wanted to return that.

So as always I had the girls telling me to drop them at the end of the street and they'd walk the rest of the way, and I'd stubbornly refuse, insisting that I drop them at their door. (I actually went so far one week as to switch on the child-locks to prevent them swinging their doors open trying to get out)
So eventually I reach the point when all the girls are home, safely through their doors, and I'm on the road alone, heading home...I love these times, their amongst some of my favourites, just driving and thinking.
I often wonder why I'm here in Armidale, if the only reason that ever comes out of it, was to meet the people that I have, well, then I consider that pretty cool.
it's just weird...

Before I moved to Uni, before I moved away from home for the first time ever, the concept seemed so huge. I could have lived there forever and honestly not thought that I was missing anything.
Now after nearly 3 years living here, building friendships and ties here, I could easily pack up and leave...I want to travel. I don't know if there is ever going to be a time in my life when I'm more free, and in my heart I know that the friendships that are built on something deeper, they'll last over distance- I've already seen that in my move to Armidale, I've seen that in my lasting friendship with Belinda, Kate, and Rea just to name a few of my gorgeous soul-sisters.

One day I'm sure that I'll settle down, have a family, the white picket fence and all that Jazz. But not yet. Maybe Armidale was a stepping stone, maybe it was to get me out of home, help me realize that I can do it, and encourage me on...
Who knows...but what I do know is I love the idea of moving on, not so much the concept of leaving people, but having the opportunity to go. I can't imagine wanting to be at any other stage in my life, I'm old enough to know what I want, while still being young and free enough to persue it.
...I want to finish my course, have that under my belt for wherever I go, after all no matter where I head in the world, they always need teachers.
it's cool...it's very cool

maybe I'll meet you on the road some time, you just never know ;)

Just One?

Over the last little while I have been sharing a discussion with a friend of mine in regards to the concept of their being one person 'designed' for you in this life. I really wanted to share some of the discussion here, sort of in response to similar thoughts which he has been sharing within his blog.
While I do believe that I am incredibly immature in general, sadly, due to the way this area of my life has panned out, I do not believe that I'm in anyway naive in my thoughts on this matter. I've been in a relationship, seen it end and wondered why. During the union I honestly saw myself sharing my life with this other, but that did not come to be.
I believe that there are numerous people who I will meet and share my life with, whom I would be more than capable of living happily with for the rest of this life...however, I still hold true to the belief that there is one person designed for me, and in return me for him.

As stated in my friends blog part of the reasoning behind that, is because it does give me a sense of peace, knowing that every person I meet is not neccessarily a 'potential'. Perhaps thats a tacky reasoning, and granted it's not the strongest argument 'for' at all.

When it really comes down to it, I do have reasons for still holding true to the belief that there is one person designed for me. Alot of the strength to that belief comes from family connections. I grew up hearing my mum telling me that all I don't have to stress about boys because there is 'one' God has for me, my parents have been married for 27 years...my Grandma told me the same thing, my grandparents have been married 52 years. My great Grandmother said the same thing also, My great Grandparents have passed away now, but they were married for 70 years. To have grown up with people walking the talk of one only, I guess it's pretty easy to see why it caught on.

what I don't believe is that God is a controlling, forceful God. I don't believe in Fate, I don't believe in desting, in fact God doesn't believe in fate either just check out Isaiah 65:11 - 12 so thats a pretty good reason to cast that aside.
I do believe that we each make our own decisions which means that ultimately we will choose who it is, that we spend the rest of our lives with...
As I type this now, a new thought entered my mind...

...how wonderful pondering is...

Rather than the emphasis lying on there being someone designed for me, perhaps what I should say is that "I am designed for one person", I only want to spend my forever with one other.
After all, will I ever truely know if the one is 'The One'. I don't believe that there's going to be a flashing neon arrow hanging over his head. But I've met alot of people in this life, I've shared relationship with a few, but they never were the one that I'll be spending the rest of my life with, and I do believe that there is a reason for that...
I think that in order for me to be able to spend forever with a person, there are specifics, which means that only few will make the criteria (sounds horrid, but I lacked a better word)
Obviously a shared faith is neccessary, but on top of that, a shared calling is also neccessary, in order for us to share life, we need to be basically on the same sort of path, there is more...I'm sure theres more, but I will spare you for now.

What I will end with however, is to say that I believe there are a number of people who could be "the one" and I think that whoever that one is comes down to my choosing, which will be influenced by God. It won't be by his force, but rather, by his grace.

does that make sense?!!

we'll see.

Theres that Whacky sense of humour I love...

awwwww....

you know those weekends when you just feel energized, invigorated and just so damn refreshed!
I just had one of those, as I type this I have just arrived home from church. The sermon tonight was on Praising and worshiping God passionately. And man does our God have the most awesome and quirky sense of humour.
I love things that break the mould and tonight God did that. Church usually starts with worship and then closes with worship.
The opening couldn't have been any more musically sound, it was perfect, every note, every harmony perfect. Then came the preach, pastor dave talked of ignoring everything around you, getting rid of the concept of 'looking oh so spiritual' and just focusing on making a sincere and honest connection with God in worship.
And this is where it gets funny...
Straight after Davo finishes the preach, the musicians hit the stage and just about anything that could go wrong does...
I'm talking off-key harmonies, missing beats, and it wouldn't be complete without that high pitched-ear piercing-kill me now sqeal from the amps.
But you know what?? I do not believe that I have ever been in a room more annointed with the presence of God, as I stood their in worship, I had tears falling down my cheeks, coz I knew this is what God thrives for...Strange you think?!
All I could think was, yes we're but human, we are never gonna be perfect, we're always going to fall so short of anything which God is capable of, But God prefers the blundering dronings of his children over the most beautiful harmonies from the angels in heaven...

*Sigh* God's a bit of a champ isn't he...
Definitely made me laugh tonight, I LOVE IT!!

The lessons...

For too long I've been battling myself - for so long I've been holding onto the warped perception that if I was only stronger, then I would be worthy of Christ.
But no matter what I do, or how desperately I try, I will never be worthy of him, yet he loves me completely anyway.
It can't be about me being stronger, because this body which holds me, this flesh is so weak. This is the way I am, no point denying it...but this is the way I am supposed to be ~ Because God is strong, he is the ultimate strength, and it is only once I recognize my weakness and give it up, that is when God can come through and start to sort out the messes that I create in my life...he begins to push me towards purpose.
Probably the most awesome thing I've learnt is that no matter how I sin, no matter how I screw up, God still places blessings in my life, which means that my sin does not disqualify me from the blessings, only one thing does...my inability to trust him.

I never want to convince myself that I have sacrificed anything for Christ, to carry on as though the things I've sacrificed in this life somehow even compare to what God has in store for me, if I choose to be faithful. God cannot force me to do anything, he places options before me, and it's up to me...
To say that I have sacrificed anything is to say that my previous fixations were something more than trash besides God's gifts...The things which God has in store will make the things I have had appear as refuse and waste.

So what does this mean?!
This means that I need to begin to live a life without fear or cares for the cost...without compromise, no backing down, it's all for him...

The challenge...

I do not believe there is much finer in this life, than having someone challenge you completely.
Tonight I spoke candidly with a friend of mine (Burkie) on MSN. Too often this means of communication is so phony, so 'put-on' that when something honest and challenging emerges from it, tis an incredibly refreshing time.
Tonight I will leave with many things to consider...
The conversation covered the irks of christianity, the way in which too often we spout the typical lines, the same corney, over used and limited lines. Which display our God as this predictable and dull dictator within the lives of man.
I realized that too often I have been one of those christians, too often it has been easier to appear the spiritual genius and regurgitate the words I was fed as a child...But what's real about that?!!
How is that helping anyone? How is that helping me?!
I don't want to sound like a cop-out...I don't want to live a ho-hum life out of fear that this predictable God wouldn't want me to do anything too crazy!

Thats not the God I know!! The God that I want to live for, is wild, he's crazy, he has the whackiest sense of humour I've ever encountered, he's passionate, he's Life...HE IS LIFE!
where is the life in the regurgitated words of the church?!

I want to make the choice, to say it like it is...to be real! after all it's pretty common knowledge that the lost within the word don't need to be patronised by the saints we often seem to portray ourselves as with our spiritual words of christianese...they relate to people sharing joy, passion, purpose and life...

I want to live a faith with a heartbeat! and speak what I know, what I've learnt and whats real in my heart...

If you ever catch me regurgitating...slap me hard! (I'll appreciate it later)

Moving On...

So the University term has begun again, and I'm beginning to ease back into mode, however this term upon my return somethings changed. As I step back into life in Armidale, I return with a quieter, more eased spirit.
Over the three weeks break I've been given opportunity to really evaluate the life which I was living here, and come to the conclusion that there are things which are going to have to change.

During my time at University I have enjoyed the company of great mates and a few drinks on a wednesday night, some hilarious moments have been captured and imprinted upon my memory. However I have begun to consider my heart, and I realized that behind all the fun and the laughs there lay another intention, another agenda to these nights out.
I am indeed guilty of enjoying the male attention received when I've made special effort in regards to my appearance. While I never intended to date any of these guys, and none of my behaviour has been anywhere near destructive, I've come to the realization that there are better things, more productive things I could be doing with my time...after all, the time out is usually spent in the company of droning, bluthering, drunk fools, so no real bonding is going on...

it's been fun while it lasted, however now I feel it's time to move on...
I don't find myself content with shallow, idle conversational chit-chat...
I long for true transparency, to be surrounded by ones who know the heart and willingly bare their own before me as well...

Lifes too short to waste away...

My only dilemma now...whatever am I going to do on wednesday nights??

I'm sure that I'll think of something

The Art of Patience...

tonight I really got to thinking...
A week ago I met an awesome man of God, he holds the qualities which fit the criteria, yet my heart refuses to flutter. This guy truely is amazing yet as he presented me with sign after sign that he was interested in being more than friends, I found myself drawing further and further away, for I am not interested in considering someone as a boyfriend before he has even become my friend.

Over the last few months God has presented me with opportunities to share true heart to heart communion with dear friends who have held a long standing affection for a special other, they have honoured me with their trust by allowing me to be a listening ear, encourager and supporter.

This time spent listening has strengthened in my spirit, the desire for true relationship. I don't want to be anyones 'quick fix', no longer am I content to have someone think 'hey, she's alright we should get together', having only just met.

I want to be considered, I want to be prayed over, that this man would ask God to show him what he desires. I want to be admired for a time, to be considered worth patience, to be enough that nothing need be rushed. For Gods hand and will being on the relationship holds the most importance of all.

And in return, they will never have to doubt my affections towards them either, for they too have been considered heavily, and they too are worth waiting for...

Finer Nights

Oh how times can change...
On the 10 of April I posted under the title "Unjust Judgement" about the falling out between a close friend and myself. All I can say is that we sit under the wings of an awesome and faithful God.
As I type this now, I quickly scan my watch, I'm due to leave home in Forster to head back to Armidale in just under an hour. What I feel is familiar, ever since I moved to Armidale for University it has been a battle, my heart is not convinced that it wants to be there. I still remember the conversations I shared with God on the matter before I moved there for my first year. When it came down to it God wanted me there and so who was I to argue with that. God has supplied me with incredible friends and support, after painfully teaching me to relly on him totally (a lesson I must learn constantly) so I do know what a faithful God I serve, however every so often something happens in life which sparks a passion and a thrill, and for me that happened last night.

As I shared in previous entries, a dear friendship of mine, suffered terribly and pain was caused upon both sides. It broke my heart to think that what was precious may be lost.
I know that it was Gods grace that brought around the change in us both, for my heart had become stone cold, that was how I was going to deal. If I didn't care then I would be able to let go, but as time went on I began to soften. As I was sitting cleaning out my room, packing my bags to head back to Uni, I found my old photo album figuring I'd earnt a break I stopped to have a flick through it's pages...photo after photo captured incredible moments of joy and laughter which I had shared with this incredible other, and I wept, crying out to God and offering it up to him because I so desperately didn't know how to fix it.
That afternoon as I popped onto the net to check my emails I spotted one, realizing instantly who it was I opened and read...she wanted reconciliation as desperately as I did...
I responded with joy...
and so Last night we found ourselves sharing dinner and enjoying the laughter and communion we had shared for so many years. We chatted and shared about our lives and passions, our dreams and aspirations, the things that troubled us and what we will one day do. Awww...I cannot think of a finer night...
She didn't leave until 2:30am...
But we ended with the biggest hug and the simple words "I Love You"

So last night I slept better than I had in many nights...
...My God is so big, so strong and so mighty...

Future Thinkings...

At the moment I am in 3rd year of my 4 year Primary teaching course, I had to leave home in 0rder to go to University, so during the holidays I usually head back to the family, and back to my holiday job, on the assistant staff at vaccation care, In comes the reason for todays thinking.
Kids ask many questions, anyone who has spent any time at all with children should, at least have noticed that. The questions are usually trivial things, for example Timothy a hilarious 6 year old, today asked me, "you know you've picked too hard if your nose starts bleeding don't you?!"

However it was one of these questions for kids that really got me thinking more about the direction of my future.
Sophie walked up to me today, looked me straight in the eye, with a look of sheer conviction and said "Can I ask you a question?" I was almost scared to hear what it was going to be, I was convinced that it was going to be something I couldn't answer...but I managed to mumble a 'yeah, sure' and found myself suprised by the question which emerged "How old are you?"
Sincerely relieved I answered "Twenty"
"Oh" says Sophie "Your going to be 21 soon, your going to be an adult, no longer a teenager, your going to get to do whatever you want"
with that she walked off, but my mind lingered there a little longer. She was right, and as I thought about it more and more, I felt that familiar rush of excitement which came when I thought of the things which I one day will do, with God standing on the sidelines, cheering my name, and reminding me which way I need to run to take a shot at the goal.
Admittedly I hadn't thought much beyond the next 2 years in quite some time...at the moment my biggest goal is to finish my University degree, be able to say that I am a fully qualified Primary school teacher, and that will indeed be a huge meaningful and sentimental achievement. Since I was seven years old I have wanted to teach, and to now be here, just one and half years away from seeing that become a reality is exciting, to say the least.
But when I dare look further, I have some possible storylines for my life pottering in my mind. I've decided to leave the decisions up to God, but I know that he knows the desires of my heart, and he's going to give me something to persue which will fulfill those desires more than I could ever dream to alone...

I have a passion for children, I see so much hope, so much passion, excitement in them. They inspire me to be better, to love more. It's for that reason I will one day teach...however I hope to take it further than that. I want to use my teaching to impact the world for God, for Good. I want to travel the world, I want to visit and live in some of the poorest, most barren (physically and spiritually) and just allow God to be a blessing there...
For many years I have had a huge heart for the children of Africa, I don't think that I could directly pin-point the reason, but I see so much life there, and I want to just love those kids. I have had many moments of path crossing with an organisation called http://www.mercyships.org.au This organisation purchases and converts Cargo ships into water hospitals, complete with operating theatres, accomodation and so on. There are around 3 or 4 of these ships, each focusing on a particular area of the world...which one does my heart lean towards? The African Mercy Ship...
Every single person working on board these ships is a volunteer, paying their way, all the way, and for that reason the ship is able to travel the African Coast, taking on board people who would otherwise not have the access or money in order to recieve the neccessary medical treatment. As people are often taken on board for months at a time, and bring the entire family, thats where I would come in...teaching the children.
Volunteers come from all over the world, and the classes on board the ship are incredibly multicultural, what an awesome environment to forster acceptance and understanding!

Whether through Mercy Ships or another, I do plan to use teaching within missionary work...I just want to serve and to love...Psalm 10:16-18

...............................

Working with Children I do also often get asked if I'm married, or have any children of my own...upon hearing that I am without husband,I have had at least 4 girls at vaccation care offer to match me up with one of the vaccation care boys...a bit young for my taste, but I have to appreciate the offer.
At this point in my life, I haven't found that other who God has for me, and from where I'm standing I do not believe that I have even met him yet. However I don't spend my time fretting about it. If I had my way I would have him in my life now, but life isn't supposed to be my way...after all it works out better if I don't try and control everything anyway (I prefer that too) I do hope to marry one day, perhaps even have children of my own (haven't decided that yet either) But for now God is preparing me, making me into the more dynamic and full person I can be, before he brings that other anywhere near the picture...I trust him, and I know that whoever he has for me is going to be Amazing and utterly incredible, I know that I can't wait to meet him, but for now, for the sake of the plan I must.


It's exciting times that I live in...I look forward to the future...

K8 and Jez
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The Heart of Friendship

For the last 24 hours I have been running around like a nutter with my partner in Crime and Best friend, my twin sister Kate.
It's amazing just how much an increased body of geographical distance can be so effective in bringing two people closer together...at least emotionally and spiritually.

Obviously I've spent my life in the company of Kate. We've been the little terrors growing up, sneaking out of our room during lunch-time nap in order to paint hopscotch on the driveway with house paint, roll every can in the cupboard out across the kitchen floor, take mums best china down to the sandpit to make sand castles...we truely made a great team, together nearly driving our mother insane...

But as we got older (we still make our best attempts to drive our mother insane) the dynamic began to change between us, I don't think that there has ever been a time when Kate wasn't my best friend, but as time went on she became so much more than that, she became my confidant, my encourager, my critic, my shoulder, my soul mate.

During high school, we always had the intention of leaving home together, becoming flatmates and staying close-by for as long as possible, however God did not have the same plans for us. At the beginning of 2003 Kate and I found ourselves living roughly 6 hours from one another,and I'll be the first to say that was tough...

However in retrospect, it was the greatest thing which could have happened, for both of us.

God had decided that it was time to pull these two little country bumpkins out of their comfort zone. During the early years of our life, as we had struggled with issues of rejection and the likes, God had allowed us to comfort one another, and that had been an awesome blessing. But now God was calling us to become true individuals to break away from the cocoon which was our little world, and create something different. That was a long, tiring process, but the blessings have been abundant.
God has poured out in each of us a sense of self, a sense of independence and a greater and more ardent trust in him and his plan.

As I sit here and reminise on the weekend which just was, I smile. I love Katie with a love which is so sincere. No matter how much time has passed between phone-calls, no matter how long it's been since I last hugged her...when we're together, it's crazy...it's like no time has passed. As though someone hit the pause button where we left off...and hit play again later...

(...lapse in time...)

A buddy just walked into the room and asked me what I would say blessed me this week...I had to smile and say the first thing, "Seeing Katie and knowing that she's the greatest friend God's given me in this life ..."

Seems like the best way to end this tonight...
So I want to dedicate this to Kate, my constant fountain of support, compassion, conviction, encouragement and love...we will travel the world together one day...just not this day, Gods got some more things he wants us to do as individuals, more breaking, shaping and moulding untill he's ready for us to hit this earth full force, combined!
Stay beautiful, Be everything you are, I love you.

Unjust Judgement...

It seems that a friendship so dear to me is slipping through my fingers, and it breaks my heart. The reasons for this crumbling cannot be completely pin-pointed to one specific incident, one moment in time, it has been a long time in the making. I should probably wait a little longer before I post, alot of this is still stirring around in my head, wreaking havoc in my heart, but I need to get this out, need to divulge this madness, and make sense of the rythms.

Is it ever possible to pin-point the exact moment when a relationship, with anyone, turns sour? I've never reached the point in a friendship when I've found myself so completely drained, so sore and aching from the emotional battle, that I'm at breaking point, I'm literally having to walk away because I can't continue to stand and take blow after blow.

I was talking to this particular person on MSN tonight (granted, probably the worst of all communication options) it was the most communication we'd had in a long time, and if you had seen the conversation, it would become pretty clear that communication between us was not good at all. At one stage it got to the point where I literally was sitting there staring at the keyboard, just crying and praying "Lord I don't know what to say...tell me what to say..." If I had my way, I wanted to scream and shout at her, tell her how selfish she was being, show her how much she was hurting me, and then...then I knew she would be sorry...

But my spirit battled against the weakest parts of my own flesh...for in my heart lay the longing to show her grace...an incredibly wise friend of mine, just two days ago, said to me "You shouldn't need to feel warm fuzzies towards a person, in order to grant them grace"(-Paul)

I had to walk away from the computer, open my bible and read... my eyes fell upon this verse...

James 4 : 12 " There is only one Lawgiver who is able to save and to destroy. Who are you to judge another?" and it hit me, I am not given the right to judge one other person placed upon this earth, no matter what my flesh, no matter what the world may tell me is my right. For only God has been given the right and the authority to grant judgment. Rather we are asked to convict the hearts of one another, not with attack, but instead, to convict one another with the sincere desire to bring forth restoration to lives, to convict through love.

Carefully praying over the words which were to stand within her screen, I told her of what I had just learnt, I shared the lesson so fresh that the paint still oozed, I am nearly entirely convinced that she did not even know that I had placed judgment upon her to begin with...and perhaps I could have just not told her, but I had wronged her in my heart, and for whatever shattered relationship lay before us now, the remnants of the friendship that was, at least deserved the honesty it craved.

Honestly, after all of this, I do still feel this friendship slipping by...however my spirit has found some rest, tonight I will sleep without stirring...for I have laid my grievences bare, before man and God, I have left no shadows of this issue in my heart, it now lays before the throne of the king... perhaps this is a friendship which was but a brief stop-over on this journey which is life...for now I do not know...but as everything else I am trying to give...it lies in God's hands...do with it as he will...