Friday, June 24, 2005

Can I?!!...

I sent my first student to the Principals office today, and he sort of snubbed me for the rest of the day, which kinda sucked...but he did spend the rest of the day trying to make it up to me, and behaved for me.
Feels like a bit of a victory, but it's so tough, having to be firm and raise my voice to these kids is not something I enjoy, but I can slowly see that they are listening to me more and more.
The kid that I sent to the Principals office was pushing me so far, he just kept pushing and pushing. Tony (Supervising teacher) offered to step in, but I asked him to leave it with me, because I wanted to try and sort this on my own, see what I would do with a tough situation.
So Tony gave me the class for the afternoon, and they really turned it on. Dilemma after dilemma. We had a punch-up in the yard at lunch-time and the boys tried to bring it into the class that afternoon, at one point I had to physically pull the boys away from each other, while trying to get the class focussed on the afternoon activities. It was a pretty stressful session, but I got through it, and to say that I was relieved when the home-bell went at 3pm would be an understatment.
I chatted to Tony this afternoon about how the day went, he said that he was impressed with how I handled it, and gave me some tips for how to deal with situations like that should they, God forbid, occur again. All up it was good, stressful, daunting, breaking...but I'm learning and I guess this is what it's all about.

It was my last day today, but I'll be back at the same school with the same class next term for 4 weeks...so that'll be interesting.

I got home today, pulled into my parking space and sat in the car, and just cried, I think it was a combination of relief, stress and the breaking.
I've had to change my attitude to teaching, and often it's felt as though I've had to change who I am when I step into the classroom and thats tough.
As I sat there in my car, tears streaming my cheeks I was questioning if I would be able to do this , could I do this job...
I don't know how long I was sitting there, but when I lifted my head from the stearing wheel I realized that the sun was setting, from my parking spot at the top of the hill, I could see straight out, and all that was there was sky...eternal sky. It was beautiful!
And before I knew it, out loud I was whispering, "Lord I know I can do this, I was designed to do this...your just growing me up"

With that I decided to stop being such a sook, I took a deep breath, wiped my cheeks, blew my nose and walked inside.

I can do this, I need to do this, but more than anything I want to do this!

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Back to School...

Since the 14th of this month, I've been no longer at University dredging my way through the text-books, rather I've been at Pacific Palms public school on my teaching prac. So here I am finally in my second week here. My supervising teacher is awesome, I admire him hugely and he's probably the first teacher who I've actually seen put into practise the things we're told to do at Uni, I've observed a number of teachers, and he's the first that I'm sincerely impressed with.

I'm struggling quite a bit at the moment. The class I've been placed with is incredibly difficult. Many of the children come from troubled homes, their worlds are built in a way which often requires them to become 'little adults' because their parents are so caught up in their own situations, it's a sad reality.
For this reason my teaching strategies are absolutely being torn to bits, and I'm being forced to change in order to survive. Real change is never easy, and I'm finding it painful and frustrating.

Over my last 2 pracs, the classes haven't had any behaviour problems, and I've been able to go in there and be that happy, kind, smiley teacher, I haven't had to prove myself to them, and I haven't had to work hard in order to gain their respect.
That's all changed this prac, I went in the same way I have with every other prac, and learnt that in order to keep the class under control I've had to change my entire persona.
There have been many times when it's been necessary to become quite harsh, quite stern in order to have the students take me seriously and know that I mean business.

Thats the part that I've found difficult, having to be the meanie when neccessary, if I had a choice I would be the 'nice teacher', but I now realize that it is neccessary for me to play both roles.

I've been chatting to my supervising teacher Tony, quite a bit about it, and the more I talk about it with him, the more I am convinced that I have to either step-up, or step-off.
Tony has noticed my hesitation to be the heavy when I need to be, during our chat today he said,
"Jess, I can see that you honestly care about these kids, and you enjoy their company. I can see that the kids like having you around incredibly, because your friendly and caring, you make them feel important, Which is fantastic! But you need to be careful, because if you don't stop the cruddy behaviour early on, then you'll find over half the class will follow instruction and respect you, but the other half will think that they can walk all over you, and they'll have there best go...being the kind teacher doesn't grant you respect, you have to remind them, often with harsh reality, that you are the teacher, they are the students, which means that what you say goes..."

I respect Tony alot, and I know that everything he's saying is right, I want to be the best teacher that I can be, and I know that I'm no where close right now, but I'm willing to learn, and I'll take Tony's advice and keep working at it...being the meanie, now surely I can do that!!

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

My heart...

Save me O my God, for the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in the depths where there is no foothold. I have come into deep waters, the floods engulf me now.
My throat is parched and I am worn out from calling out for help. My eyes fail looking for you.

Lord you know my sin, my guilt is not hidden from you.

May those who hope in you not be disgraced because of me.

I am a stranger to my brothers, to my own family.
For zeal for your house it consumes me, and the insults to you fall on me.

Psalm 69.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Take my World Apart...

It seems my big issue lately has been to do with guilt over things which are in my past. I've taken them to God, but I struggle to leave them their.
I guess yuo might be wondering what things I've been guilty of, and since I crave transparency with people so much, it requires a risk, putting myself "out there" and allowing myself to be humbled.
During the last 18 months of my University life I changed, I guess the easiest way to explain it would be to say that I was lonely. I made the decision to try and spend more time with my girls, the process was so gradual, that I didn't really realize it until months later. These wednesday girlies nights, gradually developed into get glammed-up, drinking and heading out. I got drunk on many of those occasions and while I knew that Gods word was clear when it came to drunk idiosy, I was there every wednesday night, doing the same thing.
When I'm completely honest, I'll admit that I liked the attention I got from males while I was out, not all of them were sleazy, but ultimately they were all after the same thing. ..The only peace I find in the whole thing is that I never gave it to them . But the problem was my heart, my intentions. I wanted to be noticed, and I wanted the attention of males, and when I'm desiring that over the attention of God...well theres a serious problem.
During a friends party, after a few drinks, I flirted and kissed a guy I'd only met on about 3 occasions...I wasn't proud.

It's been about 4 months since any of this, and only now is it truely hitting me hard, I guess it's a rebellion thing, I've lived the life of a good little christian girl my whole life, I don't know why I decided to be a retard.

and I'm struggling...I know that I need to get it out of my life, I know that I need to change, but I don't know how to...
I cried so hard last night as I prayed, I don't know where to even start changing. Though deep down I know it's not true, I know that I can change, and I know how to change if I truely want to. I guess my biggest fear is that changing will involve stepping away from the people who influence me in the wrong way, and I've grown to truely love these people.

Gods been placing it on my heart in a big way lately, and it feels as though he's taking my world apart...and it's tough, but I know that I have to make a decision, I've been living this crazy-ass double life too long. I can't keep serving God, except on wednesday nights. I can't give him everything except my drinking...

It's tough, because I honestly enjoy it...it's probably not a good thing to enjoy, but hey, I'm trying to be honest here.

Pray for me please...your prayers right now would be awesome!

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Tears for this life...

I don't want anyone near me, sometimes I think it would just be easier on my own. But would it? People aren't the problem, it's me, I'm my own worst enemy, I need escape from myself. I'm a spoilt brat, too often finding myself crying over the spilt milk-
What have I sacrificed in this life? Nothing
What have I suffered? Nothing
I live my cushy life and I act like a fool.
I'm in one of those moods tonight, and it's not good.
I don't deserve Gods grace, mercy or blessing - I'm a pathetic sinner and I'm ashamed of myself.
In the last 6 months alone I realized how many ridiculous mistakes I've made... I sat with a mirror inches from my face starring into my eyes untill I no longer recognised them as my own. And I wept, I wept so hard because I could see the times I broke Christs heart, I saw how many times my life has sent him to the cross, how many times I've spat on his face - when all I've ever wanted to do is wash his feet with my tears. I'm sorry Lord, I'm so desperately sorry!

I know that I'm forgiven, but I don't ever want to take lightly his grace and his mercy living in my life.

Friday, June 03, 2005

Whatta Day!!

So today was one of those days...where everything just seems to go to pooh.
I finished my horrid social Justice essay at around 5pm yesterday. So I was stoked to not have to pull another all nighter.
So I woke up at around 10am this morning with my floppy disk in hand (Yes I'm old school and ridiculous) I headed up to the Uni to print off my assignment, thinking it was going to be a five minute job, I'd planned to meet a couple of buddies for 'brunch' at a cafe in town. I arrived at the Uni inserted my disk, attempted to open the file, only to have the computer tell me that the filename or pathway wasn't valid. I probably sat there for a good half an hour fiddling away trying to sort out the issue...nothing.
So I headed back to my room to try and sort out the issue on my comp. (which doesn't have a printer, thus the reason for needing to use the Uni ones) I had checked the file off the disk before I left and everything worked, only now as I placed the disk back in the A drive...to have the comp now tell me the same thing as the Uni ones...I was stuffed...I'd been really stupid, I usually always saved a back-up file on my hard-drive, but nooooooooooooo not this time, I'd figured since I'd never needed it before, I wouldn't need it now.
Murphies Law Strikes Again!!
So it's now probably been a couple of hours, it's about 12:30pm, the assignments not due till 5 so I'm thinking I may still be alright. I've already rung the girls and told them I won't be able to make it to the Cafe, and they offer to pray for the situation which was incredibly appreciated. So I give the Computer assistants a call and he comes over to try and sort the issue. He was working on the Comp. for over an hour and a half and he couldn't track anything...he apologises profusely and leaves with his final words being, "Always save a back-up", Golly haven't I learnt.

So it's now 2pm, and I'm starting to get a bit frantic, actually thats probably an understatement, at one point I was balling, and I think I punched my bed a couple of hundred times, till I wore myself out and collapsed in a heap on the floor I was at breaking point, I had no idea what I was going to do, everything felt hopeless...I was absolutely stuffed!! Then my senses kicked in and in a blubbering mess on the floor I got on my knee's and prayed about it. Maybe your thinking that I was getting carried away, maybe I was after all there's always extensions right?!
I guess I've prided myself on the fact that I've never asked for an extension since being at Uni, My goal is to be a targeted teacher once I finish my degree, and in order for that to happen I need a nice steady academic record.
So after I've had my blubber, thumped my bed,had a good chat and pray to the big dude, I stood back up, blew my nose and wiped my eyes and decided to get a hold of myself. Not 2 minutes after I've tidied myself up, but my flatmate Luke walks into the room, saying "Having Computer Probs?" I explained the whole situation to him, and he tells me that he has a feeling the computer assistant was a bit of a twit, and offers to take a squiz...he finds nothing.
It's now 3pm...2 hours and counting... I send an email to the Unit co-ordinator, explaining the situation, but admitting that the problem was my own doing, and that it would only be fair I lost marks...
He replies almost instantly saying, that it would be fine, no academic penalty if I handed it in on Monday...Lets just say I was relieved, but I don't know, it wasn't enough I kept thinking, 'My God is bigger than this...he created the freakin' world, whats an assignment" I headed back to my room, and Got really, real with God, Told the devil to absolutely shove it, and basically put it down to, I shouldn't have to re-write this whole bloody essay, I worked hard on it, I put in the effort, we go through trials to teach us stuff...whats this supposed to teach me, (other than to save a back-up) it doesn't make sense, it's ridiculous.
You might say I was out of line, maybe...
At 3:45 I traced the assignment...don't ask me how it came to me to get it...actually do ask me, coz I'm alright with Computers, but I'm no champ, all I can say is that God came through big time...
I saved the file onto a disk, saved it onto the computer, grabbed my car keys and headed over to the computer labs to print it. There's no paper in the printer, I get paper. There's no ink in the printer...they put a new ink cartridge in. The disk needs formatting on the comp. and apparantly "Formatting the disk will erase all files stored on the disk"
I run back to the flat...just as Liz is leaving "You wouldn't have a disk I could borrow would you?" I pant...She doesn't.
Hearing my desperate plea, Luke comes wandering out, waving a floppy disk, MY HERO!

I copy the file, run over to the labs, NO COMPS FREE!!! ARRRRRG!
It's 4:15pm...
I jump in the car, tyres squealing all the way up the hill...get to the library, chuck the disk in the comp. Print the assignment, speed walk over to the curriculum Centre, staple the assignment, stop to help a little dude from the campus pre-school do up his shoelace, run to the Lecturers office, stop to help an old dude with a huge pile of paper boxes (I could just imagine that the paper was going to the printers, and I know how I needed that) walking down the hallway of offices, no idea at all which one was my lecturers....
Till I see One office, a yellow glow shinning from within, a chorus of Angels singing "HALLELUYAH!!" I realize that I am no longer walking, but my feet are skimming across the ground and I'm somehow miraculously drifting towards the door...

I step into the office hand the assignment to Roz, she looks up from her Desk "Jess!! Neil told me your assignment was going to be late?!" I gave her the brief version of events, to which she sighed and said "Always save a back-up"
from now on I will...

So as I was driving home from Uni at 5pm on the dot...I had my music cranked up to the max, singing praises to me Dad, who came through BIG TIME for me today.
I headed into my room for a bit of a nap, but I just ended up having a pray, which again ended with some tears...this time they were the good type. So tonight as I sit here and type this, I can laugh about what happened, but more than ever I know that God truely does care about the little things in my life, as tedious and stupid as they may be in the grand scale of things...to him, they're as important as they are to me.
God's grace is awesome! My own stupidity should have disqualified me from that...but nope! he's still handing it out free, and all he asks for in return is my time, my life. And seriously whats that?! coz it really isn't anything special without him, and I'd hate to think how I would have dealt today if I hadn't had him around to lean on.