Ponderings.

And so my blog comes around once more to relationships. After a conversation with a friend late last night, or early this morning [the two often merge]. God's been pressing on me quite a bit in regards to my attitude towards the possibility of relationship, relationship of the male-female, more- than- friends variety.
I am single, and I have been for close to...well 3 years now. More than anything, majority of the time I am incredibly contented. I'm a relatively independant person and I adore that independance, but that said I do have moments of wonderment at the concept of being in another realtionship.

I like to think that I've shaken off some of my naiveness in regards to the male species, sure there are still a heck of a lot I would not have a clue about, but I've updated my mental filing system and it's about as up-to-date as it can get.

I guess what I'm getting around to saying,[ in my long rambling fashion] is that I've been really fighting to hang on to my single life. I've been determined to stay this way. And in my attempts to 'guard my heart', I've realised that in actual fact I've been simply trying to avoid dissapointment [thanks Paul for that file] There is a little niggling fear that knabs me every so often.

3 years ago I could have told you sho I was going to marry. Because as far as I knew, at that time in my life I was in love. I did love him.
Most of you probably don't know the full story, and I apologise that I really don't have the energy to go into it this evening, if you do want to hear it some time, I'll share it. If I can show you anything through my blunderings then I will.
To give the summarised version. I hesitated. I doubted. I asked for a moment. life went on. My heart was broken.

I guess I have become more cynical, I do realise that the heart is deceitful above all things. If I had taken a moment to put together just two or three pieces I would have seen that God would never have called that relationship to a lifetime - not marriage. But my heart screamed "Love" and the rest of me followed along blindly.

Emotions are a truely beautiful thing. I have been asked many times if there is anything I regret. If I was to answer completely candidly, I would say in all honesty - "No"
I've learnt some serious lessons, which I know I would have been impossible to teach any other way. Plus it was never all bad. When it was good, it was beautiful - I knew what it was to want to be with another for life. So it didn't turn out that way. I trust that God will always show me when I've got it wrong - we may not have been meant to be together forever, but there was never anything phony about that love, that love was real - and I'm grateful that he entrusted me with his, and that he did accept mine in return.
I'm blessed for my experiences, both the beautiful and the bitter. For as Cliche` as it may sound, they have made me the person I am today, they have drawn me to my knees before the thrown of my king - and at the risk of sounding proud, they have made me a better person.

I think more than anything God is asking me to fight him less, when it comes to matters of the heart. To entrust him with my relationships. I feel a preparation looming, I don't see it happening anytime soon, but I just feel God encouraging me to be more open to the concept, and less determined to grip onto singleness so desperately.

I'm learning to not be ruled by emotions. To be wise.

"Wisdom is not the attainment of knowledge, but the ability to apply that knowledge in an appropriate manner" - Matt Andronicas

Oh but singleness is great.

Question

Just out of interest, I'm going to ask you to take a moment to humour me. Exactly who reads my blog?

To find a Gem.

As I read this today it gave me chills.
We are constantly bombarded with these images of God as the graceful, merciful father he is - yet it seems too often that other face of God is somewhat neglected. I love the warrior God, the fierce and powerful God who could crush the earth in his palm should he choose. Yes I fear him, but I adore him more.

This verse summed it up perfectly.

"God is Jealous, and the Lord avenges;
The Lord avenges and is furious
The Lord with take vengeance on his adversaries,
and he reserves wrath for his enemies;
The Lord is slow to anger and great in power,
and will not at all acquit the wicked.

The Lord has his way
In the whirlwind and in the storm,
and the clouds are the dust at his feet.
He rebukes the sea and makes it dry
and dries up all the rivers.
Bashan and Carmel wither,
and the flowers of Lebanon wilt.
The mountains quake before him
The hills melt
and the earth heaves at his presence
Yes, the whole world and all who dwell in it.

Who can stand before his indignation?
and who can endure the fierceness of his anger?
His fury is poured out like fire
and the rocks are thrown down by him.

The Lord is good,
A stronghold ub the day of trouble;
and he knows those who trust in him..."
Nahum 1:1-7

now theres a night in shinning armour worth swooning over.

Take a squiz at the whole book of Nahum, it's around 3 pages long, and tonight I absolutely fell in love with it.

Shock...

So today turned out to be more exciting than I ever anticipated.

I rose to my alarm screeching from the study, just next door to my room. I'd set my phone to wake me, then promptly left it in the study, which meant I had to clamber out of bed and missed my usual 5 minute dozing time.
To add salt to the wound, every other member of the household was fast asleep Matt, Steve, Dad and Mum had all managed to score days off work - which makes being the only one standing in the kitchen singing to myself as I packed my lunch seem a little well...lame. But alas I would be lying if I said that I didn't enjoy the quiet of the house in the early hours of the morning.
As I opened the front door, and prepared to exit I realized that it was pouring rain - I just couldn't contain the groan which escaped me - these are truely the greatest days to spend lazing around in bed.

I had the eight hour shift today at Vaccation care. Also due to the fact that I've done a number of courses related to working with special needs children, I was rostered on with Brad. Brad has cerebral pausy and is confined to his wheelchair, very little verbal skills - but a mind which is so incredibly sharp, he gets my jokes, even the subtle ones which fly straight over the heads of other kids his age. I found myself getting frustrated with the other staff talking to him like he was a baby, many times I've attempted to explain that his body may be limited but his mind is so far ahead. But I guess it's often hard to look past what we can see. Brads frustration must be a million times more real than mine could ever be.

By the end of my shift I was completely exhausted. I adore Brad, but he's definitely hard work. I dragged myself home and had a lie down on my bed. I was only planning on resting briefly, I could hear the cat bleeting and Beau was starting to howl a little, so the plan was to feed them, then start dinner for the mob of a family.
Rather, I fell asleep and awoke around an hour later to the sound of Matt and Steve yelling "Jess you've gotta go to the driveway...hurry up!"

In my groggy state all I noticed was dad coming up the driveway in his car, followed by mum, in what I assumed was the work car she drove while collecting. Eventually I questioned why it was so neccessary for me to be here, to which I discovered that the Car mum was driving was in fact my new car. Well new, used car if that makes sense.

We'd been checking out cars for a few weeks now. The plan was that I would be loaned the money by my parents, and I would begin paying it back . The last few cars had been relatively unsuccessful, after each mechanical check it was decided they would cost too much in time. I had not even seen this car before my parents decided on it so the suprise element was awesome! I'm a sucker for surprises.
A champagn coloured Mitsubishi Magna - and she's beautiful. Auto though, which is going to take some adjusting to, when I drove her today I kept trying to push the clutch, and I sort of feel lazy coz my arms just sit there when they should be changing gears. But by no means am I going to complain about it.
This has turned out to be an incredible blessing!
my other car is older than me, 24 years old in fact and everything was slowly dying on her - basically we'd been told she wouldn't pass next rego. To say I was concerned would be an understatement - I can survive without a car, it just makes my trecks between here and Armidale a lot less plan-neccessary.

Though I must say as I climbed into the new beast, I glanced across at my old Baby "Emerelda" and felt a twinge of sadness, she's been such an amazing car - served me well.

More than anything I'm so grateful, still in shock a little I think, I'll probably forget and get a pleasant surprise as I head off to work tomorrow morning.

Thanks big dude for making everything work out so beautifully. You truely blow me away sometimes.

[p.s. Bella baby, looks like some longer road trips may be in the pipes during the next 12 months, gimme a shout out if your keen.]

Weekend wonderings.

Day to day, so many things dissapoint, so many things just let you down and remind you that this is but life, fallen and often crappy. But then God grants you brief moments, tiny glimpses of heaven - you could swear that during those times of incredible laughter and smiles you were standing right inside those gates.
Then as saddened as you are, that the moment was oh-so fleeting, a little spring of excited anticipation coils in your chest. For one day you will be there and you'll finally comprehend that eternity truely means forever. You'll praise God that he loved you enough and spend forever returning such affection.
What a glorious day that will be.
What a glorious weekend it has been. Spent with Rea and Kate. It is friendship like this which convinces you that love does last a lifetime. For I know that there will never be a time in which I do not adore these beautiful ladies.
Since we were 5 we've held the pact, we'll be each others bridesmaids...seems the pact is still very much in-tact.
No weddings just yet though.

patience.

To lose a name?

I've been sneezing so much today, that it's seriously not funny anymore. Seconds ago I just finished my 7th sneeze in a row! No joke.

But alas, that was not the reason for my post, just an interesting fact [or not] which I thought I'd share.

Rather I came on here to post about something which has been coming up rather commonly within discussions of late.
The whole concept of whether a female should keep her maiden name after she is married. Or whether she should take on that of her husband.
I really think that ultimately this whole concept has flown out of the feminist movement, women standing up and saying "I'm no longer going to be a doormat". However as liberated as women may very well feel, I often look at the feminists and feel...well, just sad. Because it feels as though they're missing out on the richness God has created for Man and women when working in unison.
Now that said there's also the flip side, I'm sure we all know at least one chauvanist, and I'm talking hard-core. Because yes even I will laugh at Chauvanist jokes, but the truth of the matter is, they're only funny so long as they are jokes.

My biggest concern however comes with a general irckiness women have in regards to the word 'Submission' or 'obey' in the context of marriage to their husbands [*future* if it be the case].

The fact is, that the trend nowadays is, in fact, to cut the word 'obey' completely out of the wedding vows. perhaps I am a traditionalist of sorts. However considering the direction of majority of women I know, I think that my idea's may in fact be more radical than I would ever believe.

This is what I believe. I believe that God created men to be the head of the household, he designed them to lead. [now that is by no means saying that women can't or shouldn't lead, because I do believe that they are more than capable of it. however I believe that in the context of a household, Men were positioned at the head]. The sad fact is that over time, and due to shappy translations the position of women has been lessened somewhat. The original word God gave to women was 'Ezer'. Many a translation has described this to mean "Help-mate" however through some research it has been discovered that a much clearer and more accurate description of the word would be somthing along the lines of;

"Further research indicates 'ezer' is a powerful Hebrew military word whose significance we have barely begun to unpack. The 'ezer' is a warrior, and this has far-reaching implications for women, not only in marriage, but in every relationship, season, and walk of life.
...The man was alone in the world - the only one on the earth who walked by faith. God was preparing to launch the most ambitious enterprise imaginable. The potential for overload, burnout, discouragement, and unbelief was enormous, worse considering the fierce opposition the enemy was about to mount. Adam couldn't fight these battles alone. So God created the 'ezer' as mans staunchest ally in the life of faith and in fulfilling the cultural mandate. Together they exercised dominion and laboured to advance God's kingdom in their own hearts and on the Earth..."
[excerpt from "Lost Women of the Bible" by Carolyne Custis James]

Today the trend seems to be for couples to choose to have the word 'obey' removed from the wedding vows. I however feel that this is due to the fact that many couples do not understand or comprehend the significance or true contextual meaning of such a word.

It is here that I feel I should state that my entire belief theory would fail to remain valid, at least in my own mind, should my husband not have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. We are warned heavily against yoking ourselves with unbelievers and I realise the significance of such a circumstance.
As woman we are told to submit to our husbands - to respect our husbands through our support and encouragments. In the same way men are told to treat their wives as they would themselves - to respect their wives as partners and as allies.

I believe that when our husbands are planted in the presence of God - in his word and his teachings, led by his truth and spirit, that by submitting to them, we as wife are no longer submitting to the man, to the flesh, but rather, we as wives are submitting to God himself.

There is incredible power in Unity, for we know that Christ himself desires it so desperately. The most beautiful representation of such unity ever displayed by God is found within the combination of Man and Woman - husband and wife. So powerful is this bond that it has often been referred to as the 'Blessed Alliance". For the marriage covenent itself is a representation of God and the church - his bride. Where exactly am I going with this? I hear you ask
basically when i think of the concept of taking on another persons nameI cannot help but think of the idea of water baptism. One way this is often explained is as an outward act of an inward decision. I believe that the taking on of anothers name, this other being of course your husband, as being an act of much the same - an outward expression of an inward decision, passion and exhubrance for unity and respect.

my hope?
my hope is in a husband who wants my experience and knowledge brought into our marriage. He seeks and values my interaction in his work, my counsel in decisions, and my collaboration in tackiling the problems that come our way. He wants a partner, not a dependent. Instead of rendering my career temporary, unnessecary, or even a threat, marriage should give my vocation, gifts and contributions a new sense of mission.

I apologise for the "all over the show" style of my writing. I hope that I didn't confuse you, I hope that you have grasped at least some of where I am coming from. But more than anything I hope that you do consider where you stand on it. I respect you all the same regardless.

That said, It will be a bitter-sweet day, when I say goodbye to my surname, for it has served me well. For it represents loyalty and love. It will, however mean no less to me should I no longer attach it to my first.

Goodnight.

future thinkings.

So I have a vision. I have a desire to mission to Africa, I never exactly knew why, I've just always had a heart for teh African people and that nation. There are moments when I am so stirred, so moved to the point where I could jump on a plane and head over there in a flash, and then there are times when I nearly entirely lose sight of the vision altogether and I wonder if it will ever truely come to be.
However each and every time this loss has occured something has wriggled into my life which effectively rekindles those desires.

However of late the vision has changed somewhat. While I still have an incredibly soft spot for Africa, I believe that God has been softening my heart towards my own nation. Oh how I long for revival in Australia! It's almost humorous the way that people see missions as onlybeing across the sea.
I believe with everything within me that Australia is on the brink of revival. When I look at the happenings of our nation, when I look at the devastation, the heartbreak I am nearly entirely convinced that the time is approaching. For we know that the darkest time is just before the son begins to rise [yes, I said SON].When I look at the lives of my friends, people who have wrestled with the whole concept of christianity for years - I'm beginning to see a change in their attitude towards it. The river is beginning to flow, and as it's waters trickle across this land, hearts so dried will begin to soften and crack.

There is a harvest, and the labourers_are_ few. While I will do missions in Africa one day, I'm beginning to believe that my true calling is right here in Australia. While I may go to other places, while I may be blessed by other cultures and breakthrough. Australia will always be home base, Australia will always sit at the top of my ladder.

I had a great chat with my mum probably 2 nights ago, about aspirations, about purpose. I have probably stated this before, but i do have a passion for children. One of the most beautiful visions I have ever had the pleasure of witnessing, was the sight of 6 children worshipping their God with complete abandonment, It was amazing!
There are possibilites in the very near future for me to step into Childrens ministry opportunities. I feel a gentle tug in that direction. At this point I cannot be entirely sure, but entertaining the concept is fantastic. Only time and prayer will truely tell.

So for now I allow myself open to the possibilites, I allow God the freedom to direct my path as he wills it. He knows my desires, he knows my hopes, he knows my aspirations and dreams. I want to be the Jar of clay. shape me as you see fit big dude.

extra careful around those freight trains.

If you haven't heard of the "killed by survey", here's how it goes: Go to Google.com and type the words "So-and-So was killed by", replacing So-and-So with your first name. Make sure to use quotes. Press enter and up will pop a presumed description of your future death.I typed in "Jessicawas killed by" and received these results:

"Jessica was killed by a freight train"

I'm not superstitious at all - but this was fun, for what funs worth.

if your in the mood now, you should check it out now http://www.google.com

"...yes"

I love when I read a blog and it brings tears to my eyes, because something in your spirit says "...Yes"
You know who you are, thankyou - tonight I understood you more than ever before.
Your heart is so beautiful.

weirdo!!

okay, so I've had a blog request from a friend.

"create one post of all your weirdness, stories whatever...all you, all true"

This is the best I could come up with today. Perhaps I can add to it as more 'weirdness' emerges.

# I’m a country bunpkin through and through, never lived in the city for anything more than two weeks.

#I enjoy brussel sprouts [shock horror] yet loathe choko’s.

#I have a serious earring fetish, which has extended to most forms of jewellery.

#When I’m cranky I become a cleaning Nazi.

#My dads nickname for me is ‘Wesem’, neither of us has any clue why.

#I’m a twin [no we can’t talk to each other in our heads]

#When I was 5, I cut my sisters face with a cheese knife, my explanation? “she looked like cheese” [I have no recollection of this event whatsoever]

#Human acts of little to no coordination amuse me highly

#Large birds terrify me [Emus, Ostriches, and sometimes Pelicans]

#The most radical man to ever grace this earth is my best friend.

#I’m fairly convinced that my ears aren’t even

#One day I’ll travel the world with only what I can fit in a back-pack.

#Farting still makes me laugh.

#I cut my own hair

#I regularly smile at strangers in the street

#I can twist my tongue into a 3 leaf clover shape

# When I'm scared I laugh, though it's more a giggle

#Even when I'm completely alone I still say "'scuse me" when I burp or fart

#I secretly enjoy Hilary Duff movies [I KNOW!!! it's hideous]

#Though I pretend not to, I actually do enjoy watching people play computer/xbox/playstation games.

#often I'll continue phone conversations while I'm on the toilet without the other person ever knowing.

# for at least the first 12 years of my life I ardently believed that if I;
- swallowed gum I would die
- walked behind a horse I would get kicked in the head and die
- looked in a microwave I would go instantly blind
- ran across the road, would trip, getting hit by a car and die
among many others, brought on by none other than my own mother.

#I love the smell of books, especially new books, and damn straight, bibles smell awesome!

# I'll happily Sit for ages reciting Strongbad or black books quotes with my brother Matt

# I often find my own farts so_ not_ offensive that it scares me.

#I collect cows... cups, money boxes, statues, toys. Never really knew why, people just started giving them to me, and they haven't stopped.

#[As hard as it may be to believe,] I was actually once annoying. My year 1 teacher writing on my report card; "Jessica has an insatiable urge to involve herself in every conversation within the classroom" - I thought it was a very kind way of putting it.

and...
for now thats all I've got...perhaps i will add more later.

Journal.

Today hasn't been particulary interesting, nothing momentus. So I've decided that I'll share a journal entry with you here;

..:: 2nd of January, 2006.
Today isn't a great day - after such a hope filled last entry, the contrast is quite striking. But this is indeed just one more face of Jess.
I'm just so tired of people. I'm tired of having to sleep in the hallway , having offered my room to my Aunt and Uncle while they stay. It's not that I don't like these people, rather it's that I find it hard to cope without some privacy. We currently have 14 relatives here.
I'm just tired
Tired of having to wait till 1pm for a shower - to finally get in and discover there is no hot water - not once, but rather, 4 days in a row. I decide each time that I'm tough enough to withstand a cold shower.
Day 1: Someone used all my shampoo
Day 2: Somone used all my body wash [not so cranky about that]
Day 3: Someone broke my hairdryer...dropped it and left it shattered everywhere
and then today, Day 4: someone used my towel and left it taunting me in a dripping heap in the middle of the bathroom floor.
I decided that I should be graceful, as much as I wanted to go off, instead I kindly asked that if in the future anyone uses my towel, which is completely cool, then could they just hang it up for me.

I was mildly cranky at this point. It was only 12pm but already the day felt long enough. I didn't get to bed until 4am this morning which is fine and dandy. However due to the fact that my bedroom, currently is the middle of the hallway which attracts the most traffic in the house, I was woken at 8am by Micahel and Olivia poking my newly pierced ear. To say painful would most probably be an understatement. But I didn't say a word, instead I realised that they must be bored - deciding to give their mum a break I slumped my way out of bed and supervised the joys and rigours[??] of beading necklaces, desperately trying to convince michael to go with a colour other than pink or purple. About two minutes into the activity I watched in horrified slow motion as Olivia spilled the whole tupb of beads across the floor. Lets entitle the next hour 'Tedious'.

I'm attempting to put together some pictures for Belles 21st on the weekend, and due to matts computer crashing I've been waiting so patiently [if I do say so myself] for him to fix it so I can attempt to retrieve them. For the last 3 days I have been waiting as he watches DVD's and reads book, each day promising that today would be the day. It seems however that today indeed was the day. Matt rushed in saying "jess it's fixed, it's all yours" however by the time I got there, dad was already seated. As politely as possible I asked if there was anyway he could do that on his own computer to which he responded "Yeah I can, but I've already started the game, I'll be done in about 2-3 hours".

The crank metre was getting higher and higher. When I'm cranky I don't usually tell people [unless they ask] rather, I go quiet and I clean...
Clean everything - emptied the dishwasher, re-packed it, emptied the bin, cleared the benches, mopped floors, even cleaned the grill and oven. I don't really know why I clean when I'm annoyed, it's something I've started doing over the last couple of years.
By the end of it, I was feeling better , the cleaning made the house look less chaotic...looked pretty bloody good if you ask me.

Then right on cue, down comes my Aunt demanding to know who used the shower last, [I assumed this was about the hot water] I admitted to using the shower last. She laid into me straight away, raving about how selfish I was, that this might be my house but that doesn't give me the right to act like a brat and not think of anyone except myself.

Honestly I just didn't have the energy today -she's high maintanance at the best of times. So instead I sighed, turing as I said "I'm out of here" I grabbed my car keys and headed out the door. I could hear dad behind me, sticking up for me somewhat, filling her in on the real hot water situation, the fact that I'd given up my room for her, that all I've done is babysit since they've been here, all the cleaning and cooking...didn't hear the rest, by then I was screaming down the street - angry tears streaming my cheeks.
'How dare she judge me like that!' -was all that pounded through my head.

Eventually I parked under a tree, about half an hour out of town. Don't really know how long I sat there for...long enough for the anger to subside and just a hollow sadness to settle in.
I only see my extended family once a year so they know about me, but they don't really know me.
With that realisation I suddenly felt incredibly lonely - sick - tired of having squillions of people around, yet feeling like just another face in the crowd.

As I drove back home, with the window right down, the wind blowing wildly across my face, a peace began to settle over me. I find God in the winds of my days. Just little reminders that he's around and he knows.

As I pulled into the drivewaya dread hit me in the pit of my stomach. I knew what was coming, the insistent apology - not because she decided her outburst was uncalled for, but rather because she had been told it was.
I hate these apologies, they're rarely sincere as far as I'm concerned, as they always seem to involve the obnoxious brown nosing to try and redeem themselves. Sincere apologies do not require the brown nosing because the humbled and contrite spirit is enough. I don't know exactly why, it just always is.

This sounds terrible I know, but I really didn't want her to be around me all night, with her face up my butt. Yes, I accepted her apology, but that doesn't mean that I want to sit in the same room happily chatting straight after.

my private time, or lack of, is what I despise most. No matter where I go I can't get away from people, they are always everywhere.
I'm grateful to have found a spot here in the bush,where no one knows I am, in order to write this now.
...
Scrap that, my name is being called...
...back to Bedlam

I'll be okay, this is life I suppose 'warts and all'.