The Table Set Before Us...

Are you comfortable with yourself...are you enjoying the feast?

Each day the door opens to who we are. Our hand leads the way, with a beating heart it greets us generously! A like mind speaks our language telling us many tales wrapped up in wisdom.
Surrounded by what we know to be true, we sit in the soul of the matter taking a taste. Light and darkness seem to intermingle; our eyes do adjust! Two feet begin a journey we have seen many times in our dreams, like a distant aroma it stirs our senses to a memory we know and long to follow.
This moment is a gift, even if I do not like the pattern on the dish, or the food being served, even if the candle isn't lit or if the music is too loud. I believe there is a feast of holiness on the table set before us.

I plan on enjoying it, and you?

Released...

I was quite literally welling-up big time around nowish, yesterday, after chatting with Tim on the mobile. I just continue to feel overwhelmed and moved by the genorsity of those in my life, and now our life as Tim and I continue to prepare for the wedding.

Obviously I feel touched and blessed by the obvious support of family and friends in the preperation of all things wedding and life thereafter, but it is the unexpected and suprising support which has moved me beyond words.

Right this moment as I type this I feel as though I'm verbally blundering my way to my point, but I feel utterly scattered. My emotions are flooding me and I just feel so light, so joyful.

Tim and I were looking a number of pending loans in the face, paying them off as best we could, working on our savings. Generally the loans were Uni based and of the parental variety which we were hoping to have paid off, if not before the wedding, then not long after.

Today Tims father blew us away with the news, that as our wedding gift he was going to nullify the loan outstanding to Tim and add to the mix some money to be put towards our honeymoon.

When Tim had told me, I was unashamedly speechless, his father was so humble as he stated, "Really it's not a huge deal, it was a $2000 loan, consider it gone"

But as I voiced to Tim, what he had offered was so much more than money, it was so much more than simply wiping a 2000 dollar loan, what it represented was a relief of burden. He was offering us a simply start to our life as husband and wife. No doubt that we will have financial ups and downs right throughout our life together, but it feels like such an incredible blessing.

My own parents are also blessing us incredibly both monetarily and emotionally. They have put so much into not only the wedding, but the beginnings of our life, they have poured blessings into our future home through furniture and love.

Tim and I are so grateful for so much, we are incredibly, incredibly blessed.

To anyone reading this right now, it must be blatantly obvious how flustered I still am, because I'm repeating the same words...obviously my vocab doesn't handle the shocks of blessing as well as I would hope...but I just feel, So humbled by everything, by the support and the love of those around us.

We are looked after, and I just adore you all!

I do not know what else I can say, but from the bottom of my heart thankyou, and I love you!

-Jess

Self Love

I spent Sunday afternoon hanging around with my Tim. As we pottered our way up the street to find something for lunch, we were chatting lightly about the week, brushing softly on the happenings. By the time we had wandered our way back to Tims flat we were well and truely into the deeper issues of our week.
Societies place for me as a woman is something which I will wrestle with my entire life, I do not doubt that for a second. However, what is changing in me is my thoughts, my opinions when it comes to what is said of me as a women.
I sort of got to the point when I was talking to Tim that I realised I was standing on my soap box a little bit, but he humoured me and listened intently, and even threw some encouragement and questions my way, which stirred me, in order to help the conversation remain two sided and not simply a preach.

I've been thinking about this for a while. Not constantly, but it always seems to find a place to linger, at least at the back of my mind. However, after this weekend it really has come to the forefront again.

As a woman I believe that I have accepted a lie as truth for far to long.
We as women are the absolute best at personally ridiculing ourselves. We pick and we pick and we pick at ourselves more than anyone else we come across in this life. We have accepted a lie, which has been manufactured and marketed by cosmetics and clothing companies, the fashion industry as a general whole. The lie reads;
"If you love yourself then your stuck-up. There has to be something wrong with you, take a look, there's no way you could possibly be the way that your meant to be. You must always have something to wish you could change"
it's so obvious why the lie has been invented, because once we hear the whisper of the lie, it's quickly followed with a; "You should buy this product, it will fill that void in you, it will make you happy, it will make you finally feel happy with yourself"

It's interesting how naturally we as women are ready to pull ourselves down. Tim pointed this out to me while I was mid way through my rave.
"Jess, I totally agree with you, the attitude does need to change, but it only can if people start to change. Do you realise how many times I've tried to give you a compliment and you've scoffed or you've pointed out something about yourself which you don't like..."
He's right, he's absolutely right.
I need to begin to change my thought cycle. I need to give myself a break and begin to focus less on what I think I should be, and more on what I am, what I have to work with and loving it.

When I picked Kate and Rea up from the airport we had this incredible conversation in the car, about this very topic.
It was during this chat that I realised how female understanding of self love is warped, it's confussed so easily with snobbishness. I don't think that i could put it any better than Kate said it herself;
"...Theres a difference between loving yourself and being stuck up. If you're stuck up, then you carry an attitude of 'I'm pretty wonderful, I want everyone to know it, and know that it makes me better than them'. Whereas an attitude of self love is being able to look at yourself and say 'I may not be perfect but I'm happy with what I've got, I'm going to continue to be the best I can be and I want to share the best I've got with others..."

Timmy's helping to keep me accountable to 'The Change'. Helping me to Focus on God to reach inside and stir up some attitudes and habits which have been hanging around for far too long, while outwardly focussing on giving myself a break, accepting a compliment and projecting this fresh attitude further. By taking on a healthy attitude of self love, I do believe that it, in some small way encourages other women to give themselves permission to love what they've got, and hopefully continue to project that on to the people around them. I may be getting completely carried away, but I do believe that when we are loving in a full and healthy way then there comes this God-given desire to push it outward, push it further than merely ourselves, and begin to really touch and bless those around us.

Love yourself ladies. It's not about thinking your perfect [coz none of us ever will be] it's about realising that no amount of makeup, clothing, jewellery, money, boyfriends, friends or whatever the lie is telling you to consume, is ever going to fill that void. I believe that only once we begin to love ourselves and give one another as women, permission to love ourselves - then we begin to break down this vicious wall of masked self destruction which has been built-up for far too long.

As consumers we are taught to speak like this, look like that, be interested in these things and you'll be a vibrant and attractive person.
But you were created unique, you were created to be like no other, similar sometimes maybe, but never exactly the same. Only once you give yourself permission to be the person who comes naturally only to you, will you truely step into a self which is truely dynamic and vibrant and beautiful and magnetic to all those around you. Because finally...finally after all this time spent hiding you now look so honestly comfortable in your own skin.

Shine beautiful woman...all it takes is to give permission to yourself. You deserve it, and I honestly hope that you're beginning to believe, see, feel and understand that!
I love you!

I can't get enough of...?

Right now, here are some of the things I'm loving!

Brooke Frasers new Album 'Abertine' ...Fantastic! I can't stop listening to it

Wonka, Nerds...mmmm

Chunky Knit Scarves

Boots

The new Pirates of the Caribbean, Number 3.

....

Speaking of Pirates, and another thing I'm loving.

I'm loving that I WILL be having a bit of a shin-dig for my hens night come september. With the theme of Pirates - fancy dress and a bit of a treasure hunt. My Maid of Honour, aka Katie has it under control...I'm pretty Excited!

I was tossing up whether or not to have one, and I know alot of up-and-coming brides who have opted against it, but after some consideration I've decided that since I'm only going to be getting married once I really want to do it all. Get the whole experience[minus the strippers]. Plus I'm sure I'm not the only one who loves the idea of any excuse to get all of my girls together in the one place for some laughs and good times... So Hens night here I come!

Best of Times...

Tim really is such a valuable thing...Time with the ones you love is even more priceless.

It has been a crazy ole' weekend.

Wednesday afternoon I popped over to Tullarmarine airport to pick up Rea and Katie, who were heading into Melbourne mid week, as Rea was heading on over to Virgin Blue Air Hostess interviews, Kate was tagging along as a cheerleader and I suspect for a bit of a kick back and relax with her biggest fan...me!

So I pottered my way over to the airport at about 2pm, grabbed myself a park and proceeded to hunt around the baggage carousel, looking for the raggamuffins. 20 minutes and 3 phonecalls later we were finally hugging and wandering towards the car park.

I had stupidly made the assumption that they were flying Jetstar. I had been unable to talk to Katie the night before, so was rellying on the information being relayed through Tim. We always seem to fly Jetstar, and since nothing had been said to the contrary I was left to believe, this visit would be no different. The frustration of not finding each other for so long, proved I really should always ask!!

The next 3 days were spent, pottering between Tims place in the city and my Aunty Jans place in Keilor.

Unfortunately Rea didn't get the air hostess job she was interviewing for - to say she was devastated, would be an understatement. When Kate and I headed over to pick her up, straight after she'd found out, the mood in the car was icy-cold. Kate and I were giving each other this look of "What do we do?!" and trying to keep the conversation light, without being completely insensitive to Rea's dissapointment.

Rea simply didn't want to talk about it, refused to speak at all - we could understand that she was really upset, we knew how much she wanted it, but we were getting really worried that bottling it up and spending the rest of the trip feeling the burden of not getting it, wasn't healthy either. After close to an hour, we ended up just laying it out there, and letting her know that we could see how upset she was by it all, and that we were both sitting there racking our brains trying to work out what we could do to cheer her up without annoying the bejeebers out of her. The mood lightened and pretty soon we found ourselves at the shops, engaging in some retail therapy.

Friday night saw us heading out to the Hawthorn, and after an incredibly long winded finale of 'Rock, Paper & Scissors" hitting the dancefloor. Kate managed to find herself near a bloke who spent the entire time behind her, checking out her kaboose. Perhaps we're getting old, but by about 12am we were all ready to get going. The music was pretty ordinary, but being played way too loud. So off we wandered, back to Aunty Jans. Everyone fell into bed by about 2am. Thinking we were about to do the same, Katie and I were in our Jammies and ready to call it a night, when [I'm not sure exactly how it happened] 4:30am rolled around and we were both still up chatting. I miss Katie alot when she's not around.

I miss her even more now that she's back in NSW.

It's funny how you can forget to miss someone, but then when your with them you suddenly realise that your lacking. I felt that as I sat and chatted with Kate on Friday night - there she was, right in front of me, in the flesh and as wonderful and beautiful and amazing as ever, and I just really really missed her. It's tough being so far apart. I will never love a friend more than I love her. She will always be a part of my life and she will always have one of the deepest and most treasured parts of me.

She is incredible and I thank God for every person who has the blessing of knowing her and loving her. She changes people with her joy, with her heart, her love. Both Katie and Rea do. I know that I'm so blessed to have them.

It's seems so incredibly cheesy to say, but we truely are and always will be, Best friends forever.

A New Colour, For A New Season

Having bored of the black, I've changed my hair colour [yet again] in persuit of something 'a little more natural'

But alas, I shall blab no longer and instead let the pictures speak for themselves. Opinions/verdicts are welcome.

The Cold Season

I made a couple of new best friends over the weekend.

...

Since I've started working casually for the Western Autistic School, as an emergency teacher I find myself waking at 7am every single morning. On a normal weekday I can expect a 7:15am wake-up call from Jaqueline if I am needed for the day. My body clock has adjusted and I now find myself lying awake from 7am onwards waiting expectantly for a call. Friday just gone was no exception, I awoke and lay in bed waiting. and Waited, and waited. Alas no call came. Almost joyfully I rolled back over to snuggle back into bed.

I had awoken that morning with a horrible dose of the cold which is being spread like wildfire through every primary school. Kids are constantly coughing and spluttering throughout winter, so really, it's only a matter of time until us teachers manage to catch the attention of a loose germy.

So here I was, feeling sick as a dog when I get a call from Tim. Having heard that I didn't get a call he asked whether I would be able to take his ute out and pick up the pushbikes.

About a fortnight ago, Mum had sent our bikes down with a courier company. They had arrived, we just hadn't had a chance to pick them up. I decided that as sick as I felt, this really was the only opportunity we could have for a while. So I decided to brave it and head over to Tims, pick up his ute and then try and navigate my way across to get the bikes.

First mistake: having decided their was no way I could manage the day without a couple of cold & Flu tablets, I had read the box which said that they were non-drowsy, only to have swallowed the tablets and then read, "May cause some individuals to feel drowsy" - Turns out I was one such individual...Though I didn't actually find that out until I was over in Richmond, in Tims ute, trying to find the blasted Courier company.

Second mistake: I had forgotten my Melways, which meant I was rellying on a printed out 'Whereis" set of directions, which turned out to be useless [or perhaps it was my grogginess which made them so ;)]

Anyway, to cut a long story shorter. After driving around for about an hour, feeling frustrated and annoyed and as though I could konk it any second, I headed back to Tims work. I had every intention of telling him I couldn't do it today. But once I got there, the medication, pain and [where the heck did it come from] emotion got the better of me, and I ended up having a good blubber on his shoulder. After humouring me with some consolling, he handed me his flat keys and sent me to nap at his place for the afternoon.

And so, I spent friday afternoon, snoozing the sinus pain away, with my 3 new besties, perhaps you know them;

Sudafed; Vicks and Kleenex

Before waking up to the flash bulb of a camera.

I'm still fighting off the cold as we speak, having woken with very little voice this morning. But I'm definitely winning, and feeling a heck of a lot better.

One word of warning however. In your rush to hit yourself up with the good ole vitamin C, take my advice and believe me when I say, too much of a good thing may just have you running for the loo. So take it easy ;)

Spunky strikes again! [it's a hit and a win!]

Life has been pretty full on lately. I'm working nearly everyday and living so far from Tim, means that we don't have a chance to see each other until the weekends roll around [finally].
But I really have to say it. I have the most wonderful and beautiful man in my life.
Tim rang me at lunch time to ask whether I wanted him to buy a will kit for the two of us...morbid! Apparantly a few fellas in his office were buying some and if they bought them in bulk they not only saved money in postage, but saved off the total cost. I gave the thumbs up- as it would mean one less thing to have to do later.
I have just had one doozie of a day. I was working at the Austistic School in Niddrie and I don't know whether it was the wind or the rain [trust me, they make a huge difference in kids behaviour] but the kids were feral, and my day was frustrating and painful [in the headache sense] When Tim had rung, so as not to come across a complete sook and winger Ididn't let on how gross it had been, but instead chose the eloquent phrase "I've had better, but I'll survive"

Anywhoo, to cut a long story short I received a phonecall from Tim half an hour after I finished work, I was just pulling into the driveway and he was asking if I had anything organised for dinner. I responded with a no, as it was Aunty Jans night to cook, but as she had a church meeting tonight, it was every man for himself.
Apparantly Timmy had been incredibly tuned in when he had chatted to me, and realised that my day was far crappier than I'd let on, and had therefore decided that I deserved some of the healing qualities of his presence and was on his way out with Chinese.

I'm going to blame my dodgy day and sore head, but I fair nearly cried. It was such a beautiful and needed gesture!

He's managed to turn an icky day into one which will end in smiles.

We've been doing a lot of work on our relationship, especially lately. Being so far apart and seeing so little of each other during the week, has meant that we're developing better time management, meaning that we've been trying to spend our time together in meaningful and productive ways. Now that doesn't mean that we never just chill out together, in fact most of the time we spend together, IS just hanging out, but we're less 'beat around the bush' in our communication, we say what we mean, and mean what we say. We're listening to each other better, listening to each others needs and really making an effort to communicate effectively. Our relationship just keeps going up and up.
We're in a really great place, and we're looking forward to getting to even better places. We realise it's not always easy, and we know that from experience. We've seen some pretty horrible places, but we've moved on from them, we've pushed our way through them all. We both made an agreement together and individually that "We WILL make this work" and that, I believe, makes all the difference.
Just keep on swimming, keep on caring and sharing and loving. Keep on respecting.
Love is such a beautiful thing.

I see the light!

The Wedding preps are beginning to fade into oblivion.

The wedding is all but completely planned.

All that is left to do is,

send out the invitation

Buy some respectable undergarments

and...

well I was sure there was another 'and'...there probably is, but I've momentarily forgotten. If there is one thing that I have learnt, it is that there is always something else which pops up along the way. Tim and I are naturally fairly flexible people, so the little hiccups have remained that, take a breath and we move on.

Got a phone call from mum today and we went through everything, in the hope that we can pin-point anything which is still sitting on the 'to do' list. The list is all but non-existant.

Date: 6th of October, 2007

Ceremony at: The Green Cathedral, With my Pastor Daryll to make it all official and The Musical genius Rob doing the muso stuff [I have no doubt that he's going to bring something truely beautiful to the day! apart from Amy I'm sure he'll bring some beautiful music too ;) ]

Reception to follow @: The Wharf Bar and Grill.

Basic theme: Arty Vintage

Nervous Breakdowns: 0...woohoo [I have the best support and organisation commitee, aka my gorgeous mum and sister katie, as well as the manager of The wharf Bar and Grill - Mary Anne - She's fantastic, they have utterly eliminated anything stressful!]

I popped online while I was home and was able to purchase an extra 100 peacock feathers, as well as 5 white peacock feathers [who knew there was such a thing as an albino peacock?! I do now!] The white ones will be going in my bouquet and Tims button hole. The bridesmaids will be wearing the normal peacock feathers in their hair as part of the hair pieces I have created, the groomsmen will be wearing normal peacock feathers in their buttonholes as well.

I decided to go with white peacock feathers for me, after Katie pointed out, "Seriously Jess, when else in your life can you ever wear ALL white and not look the fool?!!" the girl makes a great point, so the plan is that I'll be wearing white head-to-toe, bar any part of me [of course ;)]

In total, last count Mum and Dads place is being overrun by; over 500 peacock feathers; [ we managed to pick up 400 of them free, from the lady who looks after our dogs, what a blessing!!] 10 large 1/2 metre high glass vases, 4 sets of bridesmaids dresses, shoes, hairpieces and jewellry; a wedding gown[not to mention all the bits and pieces which go with it]; 20 metres of black lace table runners; 25 metres of heshin[sp?] to be used as a aisle runner at the ceremony[we were offered a $50 red aisle runner for the wedding, but opted for something, not only cheaper, but less clashing with the natural elements of the Green Cathedral]; 8 boxes of tea candles & shells in glass jars; 10 mirrors; a mass of ribbon, gold wire and yet more tea candles; and one incredibly excited family counting down the days till the wedding.

It is exciting and I have no doubt that everything is going to come together beautifully. We have a lot of support and love, with a tonne of people offering their help with any preps and organisations.

I honestly feel as though we've been able to make our money work for us, and we've been able to get something that we really adore and are going to cherish for years and years and years to come.

I read, that the average Australian wedding costs $28,000. I've just organised mine for $8,000 total - yep thats EVERYTHING!. Not bad, not bad at all! And we were told SO many times that it wouldn't be possible. I guess when you see the photos after the day you will be the judge of whether or not we spent our money wisely.

....

In other news I have had absolutely no reason to even attempt to get Casual work at any other school. Thus far this week, I have worked 4/4 days, with Tomorrow making it 5 for the week. Fantastic. I'm looking at $250 a day for a casual teacher. not bad money at all!

I've been told that I shouldn't expect my work load to drop for a while yet, as we're entering flu season and the school is in constant demand for casual teachers.

All I can say is God truely answers prayers and in all honesty, he has given me so much more than I even asked. I was hoping for 2 maybe 3 days work a week, and he goes and gives me 5. Fan-freaking-tastic!!!

lets chat soon!