Chatted to Kez on sunday about the "Electrolight Youth Conference" which is due to run for the 2nd year early next febuary. They've been looking for arty-farties in order to make up a design team. When I chatted to Kezza she was so excited and granted I was already pretty stoked with the opportunity to really put myself into such an awesome project.
We spent a good part of the afternoon chatting about the direction which the conference wants to take this coming year and what they're hoping to do. Kez is a bit of an arty too, so we were throwing around ideas about what we could have going on over the course of the weekend. Man I was so excited, really got the creative juices flowing. As part of the creative design team we're in charge of the lighting, the flyers and pamphlets, as well as all the decrorative aspects of the event which included the big background canvas designs.
The theme is "Purpose" and draws heavily from Jeremiah, you know the verse "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you..." just tossing idea's around with Kez and the concepts of huge canvases with developing bubs and those words across them, as well as statements such as "Leave your mark - change YOUR world" with images of hand and foot-prints.
We have a team meeting scheduled for sunday afternoon, wo it'll be cool to get together and have a chat about what everyons been dreaming up and the area's they would like to persue.
I'll grab a link to the conference web site as soon as I can find it, so you can take a squiz and get an idea what it's ll about. The conference is still only a baby, with last year being the first year it was run, so we have great expectations, and there's an awesome excitement around everyone involved, the gigs been initiated, it's like a fine wine, we're hoping it'll get better and better with age. We're still learning alot, it's an incredibly exciting time.
The link I promised
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Personality
 You are dependable, popular, and observant. Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness. In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do. You are unique, creative, and expressive. You don't mind waving your freak flag every once and a while. And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming! |
I knabbed the link to this personality test from Bec-star, not convinced that your personality can simply be determined by one click of the mouse on a piccie, but I definitely had to agree with at least some of it, definitely the emotions ruling a lot of what I do...made me think though, is it a weakness that I am so susceptable to the ruling of emotions? I don't believe that I always act on the shovings of emotions, however they often make me stop, think and ponder.
Thursday, July 28, 2005
My Lover...
I'm reading a new book...
"Captivating" By John and Stasi Eldridge, Maybe you've heard of it, maybe you haven't. About a year ago I read the book by John Eldridge entitled "Wild at Heart: Discovering the secrets of a mans soul" and I thought it was unreal. Granted I'm not a male but it was definitely worth reading up on what the other half are pondering. I passed the book on to my brother who mumbled a quick thanks and tossed it on the bed beside him, however just last night I received a phonecall from Matty so that he could thank me for passing it on (call it female tuition but I knew he'd like it)
"Wild at Heart" contained one chapter in which it looked at females and as I read it I remember thinking "I wish they had a female version of this..."
So like an answer to that statement, out came "Captivating; unveiling the mysteries of a womans soul".
Last night I cried harder than I can remember crying in a long time, as I read the chapter on 'healing the wound' I realized that for so long I had pushed down the things in my past which had hurt me, the lies which I had held onto for so long. I realized that I had maintained a spirit of rejection in my life, from childhood, from my relationship break-up and the lst goes on...these lies had affected the way I viewed myself, had left me feeling not good enough, not worthy and definitely not beautiful, not captivating my any means.
What really got me though was as I read on, and they spoke of Christ as not only a saviour, a brother...but as a lover.
...
I've sung the songs, I've heard it said but I don't think that I have ever really, I mean REALLY taken the time to discover and love and know Christ as a lover. The book urged me to consider the scenes from movies, Jack and Rose on the Bow of the Titanic, his arms around her waist, their first kiss. Imagine your favourite, your most romantic. Then I was to replace the originals with Christ and myself. The very first thing I thought was "Is that okay? Am I supposed to think of Christ that way?" and to be perfectly honest to begin with it actually made me feel a little awkward, but as time went on I began to realize, that all this time, all these years I have been persued, I am being wooed by the creator of the Universe. Not only does Christ love me, but he looooooooves me. He may not be a chocolates and bunch-of-flowers kinda guy. But he is a lavish lover, his gifts are incredible and he gives them freely and often.
I have already admitted my deep hearted desire to be loved, to be desired, to be persued, and while I had always know that God loved me, I had never really thought it possible that he could make me feel the way a lover does, that glow, that warm fuzzy feeling of knowing that another thinks your beautiful, that knowing that you are persued and desperately craved. As I have begun to seek my God in the same way, love him with the same passion, discover him in the way that two would at the beginning of a relationship...I have been changed, I can feel it right down to my core. I am finally beginning to understand the things which I have read for so long in Gods word. That with Christ as my love for me to choose sin in my life, is to be an adultress, to cheat on the one who I have chosen.
Man I can't even express the joy in my heart, I recognise this feeling, I recognise this peace, of feeling so beautiful simply because I know that I am loved, that I am desired.
...
What really blew my mind, was just how much Christ also desires to be persued by us, to be loved so deeply, so passionately...that not only does he occupy a beautiful place in our heart which is his and his alone, but we hold a sacred place within his which is only able to be filled by us, and us alone...thats mind-blowing...we affect Christ, we have an impact - We are both changed by love, and once linked together we are made whole.
I can't express this anywhere near close to the way I wish I could. I'm in love, and I want the whole world to know it! sure life is still going to be life, things won't always go right, there's still the mundane, the boring, the painful...but...I'm in love, I'm in love and with this love I'm going to make it through.
"Captivating" By John and Stasi Eldridge, Maybe you've heard of it, maybe you haven't. About a year ago I read the book by John Eldridge entitled "Wild at Heart: Discovering the secrets of a mans soul" and I thought it was unreal. Granted I'm not a male but it was definitely worth reading up on what the other half are pondering. I passed the book on to my brother who mumbled a quick thanks and tossed it on the bed beside him, however just last night I received a phonecall from Matty so that he could thank me for passing it on (call it female tuition but I knew he'd like it)
"Wild at Heart" contained one chapter in which it looked at females and as I read it I remember thinking "I wish they had a female version of this..."
So like an answer to that statement, out came "Captivating; unveiling the mysteries of a womans soul".
Last night I cried harder than I can remember crying in a long time, as I read the chapter on 'healing the wound' I realized that for so long I had pushed down the things in my past which had hurt me, the lies which I had held onto for so long. I realized that I had maintained a spirit of rejection in my life, from childhood, from my relationship break-up and the lst goes on...these lies had affected the way I viewed myself, had left me feeling not good enough, not worthy and definitely not beautiful, not captivating my any means.
What really got me though was as I read on, and they spoke of Christ as not only a saviour, a brother...but as a lover.
...
I've sung the songs, I've heard it said but I don't think that I have ever really, I mean REALLY taken the time to discover and love and know Christ as a lover. The book urged me to consider the scenes from movies, Jack and Rose on the Bow of the Titanic, his arms around her waist, their first kiss. Imagine your favourite, your most romantic. Then I was to replace the originals with Christ and myself. The very first thing I thought was "Is that okay? Am I supposed to think of Christ that way?" and to be perfectly honest to begin with it actually made me feel a little awkward, but as time went on I began to realize, that all this time, all these years I have been persued, I am being wooed by the creator of the Universe. Not only does Christ love me, but he looooooooves me. He may not be a chocolates and bunch-of-flowers kinda guy. But he is a lavish lover, his gifts are incredible and he gives them freely and often.
I have already admitted my deep hearted desire to be loved, to be desired, to be persued, and while I had always know that God loved me, I had never really thought it possible that he could make me feel the way a lover does, that glow, that warm fuzzy feeling of knowing that another thinks your beautiful, that knowing that you are persued and desperately craved. As I have begun to seek my God in the same way, love him with the same passion, discover him in the way that two would at the beginning of a relationship...I have been changed, I can feel it right down to my core. I am finally beginning to understand the things which I have read for so long in Gods word. That with Christ as my love for me to choose sin in my life, is to be an adultress, to cheat on the one who I have chosen.
Man I can't even express the joy in my heart, I recognise this feeling, I recognise this peace, of feeling so beautiful simply because I know that I am loved, that I am desired.
...
What really blew my mind, was just how much Christ also desires to be persued by us, to be loved so deeply, so passionately...that not only does he occupy a beautiful place in our heart which is his and his alone, but we hold a sacred place within his which is only able to be filled by us, and us alone...thats mind-blowing...we affect Christ, we have an impact - We are both changed by love, and once linked together we are made whole.
I can't express this anywhere near close to the way I wish I could. I'm in love, and I want the whole world to know it! sure life is still going to be life, things won't always go right, there's still the mundane, the boring, the painful...but...I'm in love, I'm in love and with this love I'm going to make it through.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Oh, I've done it again - placed my heart in uncapable hands...
What wonderful revelations come through nothing less than the grace of God.
Granted, I really haven't been giving God the place he deserves. I could begin to list off the millions of reasons(excuses) why I've been distracted - prac, Uni...whatever- but when it comes down to it, I mean really comes down to it, there is no excuse, EVER! Full stop.
What really gets me though, is that Christ would continue to reveal mysteries even when I don't deserve them.
My revelation came tonight, as I walked in my bedroom door at 11pm. As I mentioned earlier, I was joining the bible study which contained Nick, whom I had been wrestling somewhat in terms of my feelings towards him. Tonight saw a breakthrough of sorts, the revelation of the evening was spread over two phases of the night, the bible study, and mischief afterwards.
I realized just how much I truely admire Nick as a man of God - I mean seriously he blows me away sometimes and for that reason (I'll be the first to admit) that makes him incredibly appealing - I respect him greatly.
It was after the bible study that the revelation really took hold as Wae-Jae and I tried to position a rotting orange on Aarons windowsill (on the 2nd floor flat) while scaling the drain pipe. The whole scene was hilarious ~ as there was only room for one person at a time, I tried first only to establish that I was too short - Wae-Jae being 2 inches taller than me, but possessing an ego which had him convinced that he was at least 6 feet tall - had a crack next. I stood egging him on, laughing hysterically as he repeatedly whacked his head on the downstairs window (mind-you we had no idea who lived in that room) causing a little movement of the curtain from the inside. On about the 3rd whack, the curtain flew open as Wae-Jae and I bolted up our only escape, a steep grassy incline. In the chaos we managed to whack heads - his glasses cutting my forehead. The hilarity however was too much and we decided to abandon the attempt for now, however we both vowed to retrn with a can of shaving cream and the video camera another night.
I guess your wondering where the revelation is.
So here goes...
I have never experienced that sort of hilarity with Nick, and I can't be sure that I ever will. I guess that the point is while, yes I do desire a passionate, on-fire-for-God bloke, I also desire a friend, a partner in mischief. Perhaps Nick has those qualities, and maybe the combination isn't right for that to happen between us, at least. The fact is that right now I just don't know, so basically the conclusion I've come to, for now, is this; Why spend my time pining over someone when I don't even know if they can be the things which I need/want and even more importantly somone who I can't eve be sure that I'm capable of offering the things which they need/want.
It's actually a kind of strange relief because when I really started to write this down, I realized that I've held onto thee things, these feelings for such a long time, that I'm beginning to realize that perhaps I had locked my emotions towards Nick because he was the only one at this point, whom I can see as a tangiable match, yes he does have many a characteristic which I find incredibly attractive, but theres more to it than simply 'the maths adding up' it's about a communion of personalities and at this point in time I really haven't found that with Nick.
I guess it's about trusting God, and believing that It's not something I have to really stress about.
In ths spirit of honesty, which i hope that this blog remains to be. I do crave companionship, which is what makes this so dangerous, attaching emotions to the wrong people because I simply, desire to be loved, to be wanted, to be desired by another. I do believe that I will find genuine and sincere communion with another, I just need to remain faithful to the call God has placed on my life.
The big issue is that I don't want to ignore missing links with Nick, because I admire him incredibly, because he appears to be the only option right now. That probably sounds really terrible and derogatory towards him, but please do not let my words erode his richness, his worth. He is still an incredible person whom I do hope to be able to to claim as a friend in time.
However, for now I do believe that I have been able to establish exactly what he means to me. I wrongly invested my emotions and confused my own feelings - After all it is very possible to admire another greatly without being 'in love' with them - I do love my brother.
...
But I am ready now daddy, really ready(finally) to be patient, to be really patient and wait. Help me to understand that I don't require a 'crush' in order to feel feminine. Please please let me be able to use my lesson and grow from it. Thankyou for your revelations, it's time I spent more of my heart persuing you and loving you more and more, rather than thrusting it towards others whose hands are uncapable of taking hold of my heart. Fill my eyes with vision, so that I see only you, and teach e in your ways...my sacred, my darling.
...
Granted, I really haven't been giving God the place he deserves. I could begin to list off the millions of reasons(excuses) why I've been distracted - prac, Uni...whatever- but when it comes down to it, I mean really comes down to it, there is no excuse, EVER! Full stop.
What really gets me though, is that Christ would continue to reveal mysteries even when I don't deserve them.
My revelation came tonight, as I walked in my bedroom door at 11pm. As I mentioned earlier, I was joining the bible study which contained Nick, whom I had been wrestling somewhat in terms of my feelings towards him. Tonight saw a breakthrough of sorts, the revelation of the evening was spread over two phases of the night, the bible study, and mischief afterwards.
I realized just how much I truely admire Nick as a man of God - I mean seriously he blows me away sometimes and for that reason (I'll be the first to admit) that makes him incredibly appealing - I respect him greatly.
It was after the bible study that the revelation really took hold as Wae-Jae and I tried to position a rotting orange on Aarons windowsill (on the 2nd floor flat) while scaling the drain pipe. The whole scene was hilarious ~ as there was only room for one person at a time, I tried first only to establish that I was too short - Wae-Jae being 2 inches taller than me, but possessing an ego which had him convinced that he was at least 6 feet tall - had a crack next. I stood egging him on, laughing hysterically as he repeatedly whacked his head on the downstairs window (mind-you we had no idea who lived in that room) causing a little movement of the curtain from the inside. On about the 3rd whack, the curtain flew open as Wae-Jae and I bolted up our only escape, a steep grassy incline. In the chaos we managed to whack heads - his glasses cutting my forehead. The hilarity however was too much and we decided to abandon the attempt for now, however we both vowed to retrn with a can of shaving cream and the video camera another night.
I guess your wondering where the revelation is.
So here goes...
I have never experienced that sort of hilarity with Nick, and I can't be sure that I ever will. I guess that the point is while, yes I do desire a passionate, on-fire-for-God bloke, I also desire a friend, a partner in mischief. Perhaps Nick has those qualities, and maybe the combination isn't right for that to happen between us, at least. The fact is that right now I just don't know, so basically the conclusion I've come to, for now, is this; Why spend my time pining over someone when I don't even know if they can be the things which I need/want and even more importantly somone who I can't eve be sure that I'm capable of offering the things which they need/want.
It's actually a kind of strange relief because when I really started to write this down, I realized that I've held onto thee things, these feelings for such a long time, that I'm beginning to realize that perhaps I had locked my emotions towards Nick because he was the only one at this point, whom I can see as a tangiable match, yes he does have many a characteristic which I find incredibly attractive, but theres more to it than simply 'the maths adding up' it's about a communion of personalities and at this point in time I really haven't found that with Nick.
I guess it's about trusting God, and believing that It's not something I have to really stress about.
In ths spirit of honesty, which i hope that this blog remains to be. I do crave companionship, which is what makes this so dangerous, attaching emotions to the wrong people because I simply, desire to be loved, to be wanted, to be desired by another. I do believe that I will find genuine and sincere communion with another, I just need to remain faithful to the call God has placed on my life.
The big issue is that I don't want to ignore missing links with Nick, because I admire him incredibly, because he appears to be the only option right now. That probably sounds really terrible and derogatory towards him, but please do not let my words erode his richness, his worth. He is still an incredible person whom I do hope to be able to to claim as a friend in time.
However, for now I do believe that I have been able to establish exactly what he means to me. I wrongly invested my emotions and confused my own feelings - After all it is very possible to admire another greatly without being 'in love' with them - I do love my brother.
...
But I am ready now daddy, really ready(finally) to be patient, to be really patient and wait. Help me to understand that I don't require a 'crush' in order to feel feminine. Please please let me be able to use my lesson and grow from it. Thankyou for your revelations, it's time I spent more of my heart persuing you and loving you more and more, rather than thrusting it towards others whose hands are uncapable of taking hold of my heart. Fill my eyes with vision, so that I see only you, and teach e in your ways...my sacred, my darling.
...
Monday, July 25, 2005
University Days...
Back at Uni today...
headed to church last night and found out that I've been booted from the girlies bible study group. Nah not really.
The bible studies starting a new course, I've already missed the first week, and I'm going to miss another 4 weeks of the course in a month due to my 2nd half of prac. So chatting to Nicole I've basically decided that I really wouldn't get out of the course all there is if I'm missing bits all over the place, which means I'll do it next year when I can really apply myself to it without month long absences.
So what does this mean? this means that I need to find another bible study, Tuesday being the best day of the week in terms of time. And the only other bible study that day of the week is the Uni student sudy, which sounds perfect...
But heres the catch, it's been the bible study I've sort of been avoiding. Why? Because Nick runs it.
As far as I'm concerned this whole Nick situation is ridiculous. He's an awesome guy, but I'd prayed about the whole thing, realized that the crush was pathetic and decided that the whole thing was moronic and left it.
I actually chatted to Nick on Sunday for quite an extended period of time about all the stuff I'd been up to since I'd been gone and whats going on with him now that he's finished uni.
Funny thing was that after having a good chat to him I'm actually confident that I can handle sharing a bible study with the boy...
Interesting, so I'll leave you for now, I have bec nagging me "coz I'm wasting away Jeeeess..." so we're off to get food for the week.
Chat soon, I'll be less mechanical and share a bit more about whats going on in my head.
to horrendously use a overused quote...
"I'LL BE BACK!!"
headed to church last night and found out that I've been booted from the girlies bible study group. Nah not really.
The bible studies starting a new course, I've already missed the first week, and I'm going to miss another 4 weeks of the course in a month due to my 2nd half of prac. So chatting to Nicole I've basically decided that I really wouldn't get out of the course all there is if I'm missing bits all over the place, which means I'll do it next year when I can really apply myself to it without month long absences.
So what does this mean? this means that I need to find another bible study, Tuesday being the best day of the week in terms of time. And the only other bible study that day of the week is the Uni student sudy, which sounds perfect...
But heres the catch, it's been the bible study I've sort of been avoiding. Why? Because Nick runs it.
As far as I'm concerned this whole Nick situation is ridiculous. He's an awesome guy, but I'd prayed about the whole thing, realized that the crush was pathetic and decided that the whole thing was moronic and left it.
I actually chatted to Nick on Sunday for quite an extended period of time about all the stuff I'd been up to since I'd been gone and whats going on with him now that he's finished uni.
Funny thing was that after having a good chat to him I'm actually confident that I can handle sharing a bible study with the boy...
Interesting, so I'll leave you for now, I have bec nagging me "coz I'm wasting away Jeeeess..." so we're off to get food for the week.
Chat soon, I'll be less mechanical and share a bit more about whats going on in my head.
to horrendously use a overused quote...
"I'LL BE BACK!!"
Friday, July 22, 2005
Conceited, Cynical, Optimist?
Every so often I get into moods like this, where people just irritate me.
Anyone who knows me well, knows that I can be a stubborn-ass and I'm like that in a lot of area's of my life. It pretty much was birthed in my parents attitudes to everything while we were kids. If we started anything, whether it be Tennis, Ballet, music lessons, whatever it was whether we decided that we enjoyed it or not, we were never allowed to just quit. We were expected to 'see out' the year and then if we didn't want to do it anymore we would drop it. We could give it up, at a time when we wouldn't be letting anyone down (after the end of year dance-concerts, Eistedford, Tennis championships, etc.)
At the time I really didn't appreciate what my parents were teaching me, but in retrospect ( as everything is always clearer in retrospect) I realize the value of the lesson, and I stay true to it, out of my own choice and will now also.
Yes I tend to be more cynical, but would it be considered an oxymoron to say that I also generally give people the benefit of the doubt and try to see the best in them...would it be horrendously grammaticaly incorrect to refer to myself as being a cynical optimist?
ah well, this is my blog, my thoughts, I can class myself as whatever I see fit.
Over the last year in particular, as I've grown more than ever before, I feel that I'm a lot less naive than I once was.
I've also grown to realize that often I do not believe that people give me the credit which is due. perhaps this post will come across as an arrogant, conceited rant. My hope is that it doesn't, rather that people may get another snap-shot into the scrapbook of my mind.
In my life I've been the joker, My dad is of course the king of this(he's a self confessed "8") and I am but his faithful apprentice. Dad has often said that I'm the only one he knows who can bring mum out of the grumps so well.
Very few people know me as well as my family knows me, very few ever will, and even less will ever try.
That is the reason for my irritation with people of late. I guess that I'm not the same person I used to be, I'm sure that you've become irritated with my repetition of my desire for transparancy with others. But I find myself unsatisfied with shallow, mere aquaintance friendships (as I refer to them) I find myself frustrated by friendships which rarely, without heavy pushing, delve into the deeper issues, I want to KNOW people, not just be able to recognize them in a crowd.
Man, when I want to I can talk, and if you'll let me I'll have a mighty fine crack at it. But on the flip side, I'm also a listener, I like to help others sort through issues, share concerns and just allow me to be trusted with the tales of their lives.
Perhaps it is my silly side, perhaps I myself have not always been transparent with others, and thus is the reason for my current displeasure with people, and their lack of care for my world.
Perhaps I am conceited and just groping for attention, validation...
Perhaps I've become a cynical old woman long before my due date...
Whatever it is, I just wish that people would be what they say, say what they are and stop pussy-footing around things and just tell it like it is.
I'm trying to be honest with my life, I'm trying to share with people parts of myself...but the sad fact is, that too often already I've trusted those parts with people who really didn't give a crap, and their lack of care has left those area's of me feeling worthless...because they treated them as though they were nothing.
I know I'm not worthless, I know that those parts of me want to be heard, I hope that theres someone who needs to hear them.
But alas for now, I do find company in solitude (I'm full of the oxymorons this evening it seems) pondering my thoughts, sharing them in my journal, and when I irritate even myself, ...well I pray then sleep...let my subconcious take over for a while.
In fact I think I'm starting to irritate myself right now (at which point I must surely have irritated you, the reader of this, already) so I will go...Pray then sleep... It's time the subconcious got a word in.
Anyone who knows me well, knows that I can be a stubborn-ass and I'm like that in a lot of area's of my life. It pretty much was birthed in my parents attitudes to everything while we were kids. If we started anything, whether it be Tennis, Ballet, music lessons, whatever it was whether we decided that we enjoyed it or not, we were never allowed to just quit. We were expected to 'see out' the year and then if we didn't want to do it anymore we would drop it. We could give it up, at a time when we wouldn't be letting anyone down (after the end of year dance-concerts, Eistedford, Tennis championships, etc.)
At the time I really didn't appreciate what my parents were teaching me, but in retrospect ( as everything is always clearer in retrospect) I realize the value of the lesson, and I stay true to it, out of my own choice and will now also.
Yes I tend to be more cynical, but would it be considered an oxymoron to say that I also generally give people the benefit of the doubt and try to see the best in them...would it be horrendously grammaticaly incorrect to refer to myself as being a cynical optimist?
ah well, this is my blog, my thoughts, I can class myself as whatever I see fit.
Over the last year in particular, as I've grown more than ever before, I feel that I'm a lot less naive than I once was.
I've also grown to realize that often I do not believe that people give me the credit which is due. perhaps this post will come across as an arrogant, conceited rant. My hope is that it doesn't, rather that people may get another snap-shot into the scrapbook of my mind.
In my life I've been the joker, My dad is of course the king of this(he's a self confessed "8") and I am but his faithful apprentice. Dad has often said that I'm the only one he knows who can bring mum out of the grumps so well.
Very few people know me as well as my family knows me, very few ever will, and even less will ever try.
That is the reason for my irritation with people of late. I guess that I'm not the same person I used to be, I'm sure that you've become irritated with my repetition of my desire for transparancy with others. But I find myself unsatisfied with shallow, mere aquaintance friendships (as I refer to them) I find myself frustrated by friendships which rarely, without heavy pushing, delve into the deeper issues, I want to KNOW people, not just be able to recognize them in a crowd.
Man, when I want to I can talk, and if you'll let me I'll have a mighty fine crack at it. But on the flip side, I'm also a listener, I like to help others sort through issues, share concerns and just allow me to be trusted with the tales of their lives.
Perhaps it is my silly side, perhaps I myself have not always been transparent with others, and thus is the reason for my current displeasure with people, and their lack of care for my world.
Perhaps I am conceited and just groping for attention, validation...
Perhaps I've become a cynical old woman long before my due date...
Whatever it is, I just wish that people would be what they say, say what they are and stop pussy-footing around things and just tell it like it is.
I'm trying to be honest with my life, I'm trying to share with people parts of myself...but the sad fact is, that too often already I've trusted those parts with people who really didn't give a crap, and their lack of care has left those area's of me feeling worthless...because they treated them as though they were nothing.
I know I'm not worthless, I know that those parts of me want to be heard, I hope that theres someone who needs to hear them.
But alas for now, I do find company in solitude (I'm full of the oxymorons this evening it seems) pondering my thoughts, sharing them in my journal, and when I irritate even myself, ...well I pray then sleep...let my subconcious take over for a while.
In fact I think I'm starting to irritate myself right now (at which point I must surely have irritated you, the reader of this, already) so I will go...Pray then sleep... It's time the subconcious got a word in.
Sunday, July 17, 2005
Focus people...focus!
So I'm still home here in Forster.
2 weeks of Teaching Prac + 2 weeks of working at Vaccation Care= 1 week of lazing around the house like a slob untill I head back to Uni, starting from tomorrow.
However, today being Sunday meant that I headed to My parents Church. And it was one of those mornings, when getting out of Bed seems like an exhausting task.
I've been a bit stressed lately, just with everything thats going on, so now that I've reached relaxation mode, the flu (which I've managed to keep at arms length for the last 2 months) is starting to raise it's ugly head --->But I am NOT going to get sick, I'm cramming in the oranges (Haven't tried the guiness yet ;) ) When i woke this morning my throat was killing and for a moment I thought my voice was gone, the old shnozza was well and truely blocked and to finish it off, only being able to claim 4 hours sleep didn't help the situation.
So when I first stirred I was tossing up whether I should go, or take the day off, sounds terrible doesn't it, needing to 'take off' church.
But going by experience, everytime I've not wanted to go to church, but ended up going anyway I've gotten something awesome out of it, and really been blessed because I went. So in the end I went, I'm convinced that when God has something awesome for me to hear, the devil will do whatever he can to stop me from hearing/ recieving it and the best place to start is by keeping me outta the way and in bed.
So I headed to Church, and just had a blast! man I get so stoked when I'm in worship, it's one of my fave places to be...
after the service I was chatting with Chris, now Chris and his wife Narelle have been at the Church since I was about 10, yet it's only been since I moved out of home and only come back for holidays that I've really gotten to know the bloke. But I love the chats we've shared, he's a funny bloke and really encouraging to talk to. He'd be in his late 30's but his life experience and help through my struggles and so on has been so wonderful.
So today while we were chatting he said something which just filled me with so much patience, so much strength.
"Jess don't ever settle for second best in a partner, God has someone out there for YOU!, don't ever sell yourself short and go with someone who isn't worthy of you...you'll find worthiness and contentment, just trust and know what your worth..."
just hearing those words from him lifted me incredibly...of late I've been feeling pretty unattractive and loserish, so it was nice to know that even us geeks deserve someone worthy.
It wasn't something I didn't already know, it just helped confirm to me that it's okay for me to not want to date just 'anyone' and keep focusing on other things and not get distracted with the whole Boyfriend dealio...
...
Man, just while I was typing up this post, I had a conversation with a friend on MSN...and within the time frame of about 5 minutes I got to the point where I wanted to slap the bloke...
it wasn't so much him in himself, rather it is some of the people around me...
I have seen people, pumped for God and doing crazy-cool stuff...then a possible love opportunity has come along and they've changed, their focus has shifted and suddenly they're not coming to the bible studies anymore because they'd rather spend time with that certain 'other'. They only come to church if the 'other' is going to be there, and when they do attend together so much of the time is spent canoodling. They ring me because they want to read their bible but claim "I just don't have the time now that I'm dating ______, because we have to do stuff together..."
and it gives me the craps big time. I mean seriously if you want to read the bible that much you can MAKE the time...heck why don't you read the bible together?!!
I've now shifted into cynical mode, in the space of like, 10 minutes.
I just think it's so stupid, and it irritates me so much. Is being in a relationship THAT important that your willing to abandon your 'first Love'?
I'm so over it all, in fact I've reached the point where I don't even want the possibility of a relationship right now...that'll probably change in time. I don't belive that all relationships are going to distract you, in fact I believe that if it's God-centred then if anything, it's gonna want/love/need God even more so.
I guess the point I'm at now, is that I don't even want to risk it. I want my focus to be clear, I don't want God shaken from the top position in my life...Only once I've become more settled in Christ (not completed) and I'm spiritually mature enough to deal with a relationship without compromising my walk with Christ...well... then I'll stop throwing those big rocks at the male population.
nah it's not the blokes that are the problem...it's where the focus lies, and thats no ones choice but my own.
I guess Chris's words are true for me...I don't want to settle for second best, and so I'm willing to grow and wait for somone who is going to strengthen, challenge and egg-me on for Christ, not someone who'll lag me back, hinder me or whatever...after all I couldn't bear the thought of doing that to someone else...
So I wait...sure my flesh gets lonely and wants that other now...but My spirit is SO content in waiting, because I know that whats at the end of it'll be worth it.
I'm feeling alot better now...just getting it out has cooled me down...starting to feel tired though...this what they can emotionally drained?
ah well, nothing a choc-caramel slice, a glass of milk and a good sleep won't fix.
2 weeks of Teaching Prac + 2 weeks of working at Vaccation Care= 1 week of lazing around the house like a slob untill I head back to Uni, starting from tomorrow.
However, today being Sunday meant that I headed to My parents Church. And it was one of those mornings, when getting out of Bed seems like an exhausting task.
I've been a bit stressed lately, just with everything thats going on, so now that I've reached relaxation mode, the flu (which I've managed to keep at arms length for the last 2 months) is starting to raise it's ugly head --->But I am NOT going to get sick, I'm cramming in the oranges (Haven't tried the guiness yet ;) ) When i woke this morning my throat was killing and for a moment I thought my voice was gone, the old shnozza was well and truely blocked and to finish it off, only being able to claim 4 hours sleep didn't help the situation.
So when I first stirred I was tossing up whether I should go, or take the day off, sounds terrible doesn't it, needing to 'take off' church.
But going by experience, everytime I've not wanted to go to church, but ended up going anyway I've gotten something awesome out of it, and really been blessed because I went. So in the end I went, I'm convinced that when God has something awesome for me to hear, the devil will do whatever he can to stop me from hearing/ recieving it and the best place to start is by keeping me outta the way and in bed.
So I headed to Church, and just had a blast! man I get so stoked when I'm in worship, it's one of my fave places to be...
after the service I was chatting with Chris, now Chris and his wife Narelle have been at the Church since I was about 10, yet it's only been since I moved out of home and only come back for holidays that I've really gotten to know the bloke. But I love the chats we've shared, he's a funny bloke and really encouraging to talk to. He'd be in his late 30's but his life experience and help through my struggles and so on has been so wonderful.
So today while we were chatting he said something which just filled me with so much patience, so much strength.
"Jess don't ever settle for second best in a partner, God has someone out there for YOU!, don't ever sell yourself short and go with someone who isn't worthy of you...you'll find worthiness and contentment, just trust and know what your worth..."
just hearing those words from him lifted me incredibly...of late I've been feeling pretty unattractive and loserish, so it was nice to know that even us geeks deserve someone worthy.
It wasn't something I didn't already know, it just helped confirm to me that it's okay for me to not want to date just 'anyone' and keep focusing on other things and not get distracted with the whole Boyfriend dealio...
...
Man, just while I was typing up this post, I had a conversation with a friend on MSN...and within the time frame of about 5 minutes I got to the point where I wanted to slap the bloke...
it wasn't so much him in himself, rather it is some of the people around me...
I have seen people, pumped for God and doing crazy-cool stuff...then a possible love opportunity has come along and they've changed, their focus has shifted and suddenly they're not coming to the bible studies anymore because they'd rather spend time with that certain 'other'. They only come to church if the 'other' is going to be there, and when they do attend together so much of the time is spent canoodling. They ring me because they want to read their bible but claim "I just don't have the time now that I'm dating ______, because we have to do stuff together..."
and it gives me the craps big time. I mean seriously if you want to read the bible that much you can MAKE the time...heck why don't you read the bible together?!!
I've now shifted into cynical mode, in the space of like, 10 minutes.
I just think it's so stupid, and it irritates me so much. Is being in a relationship THAT important that your willing to abandon your 'first Love'?
I'm so over it all, in fact I've reached the point where I don't even want the possibility of a relationship right now...that'll probably change in time. I don't belive that all relationships are going to distract you, in fact I believe that if it's God-centred then if anything, it's gonna want/love/need God even more so.
I guess the point I'm at now, is that I don't even want to risk it. I want my focus to be clear, I don't want God shaken from the top position in my life...Only once I've become more settled in Christ (not completed) and I'm spiritually mature enough to deal with a relationship without compromising my walk with Christ...well... then I'll stop throwing those big rocks at the male population.
nah it's not the blokes that are the problem...it's where the focus lies, and thats no ones choice but my own.
I guess Chris's words are true for me...I don't want to settle for second best, and so I'm willing to grow and wait for somone who is going to strengthen, challenge and egg-me on for Christ, not someone who'll lag me back, hinder me or whatever...after all I couldn't bear the thought of doing that to someone else...
So I wait...sure my flesh gets lonely and wants that other now...but My spirit is SO content in waiting, because I know that whats at the end of it'll be worth it.
I'm feeling alot better now...just getting it out has cooled me down...starting to feel tired though...this what they can emotionally drained?
ah well, nothing a choc-caramel slice, a glass of milk and a good sleep won't fix.
Sunday, July 10, 2005
Permanent reminder...
Been considering the idea of getting a tattoo.
My mum of course hates the idea, and so to tease, I've been telling her that I plan to cover my whole left arm.
rather I've been considering the idea of getting, in small letters across my left wrist
Isaiah 6:8
that's it, short and simple...
but it means so much more, it is of course the verse, "Also I heard the voice of the Lord saying: "Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?" Then I said, "HERE I AM! SEND ME."
I love it so much, it's something which will always remain true for me within this life.
but I'll ponder it some more before I even consider making a decision, I do think that some tattoos are quiet hideous, but I also believe that a classy tat can be something really beautiful, meaning so much more, if it's something that means something special.
everyone's entitled to their own decisions but I'm not a fan of the tat on the back, I guess I figure that if I'm going to go through all that pain for it, I wanna be able to pop it out and take a squiz at it whenever I want...(hehe, I'm too practable for my own good)
Ahhh who knows...I'll leave it for now, see what I think in another 6 months, after all I'll be stuck with it for life...I'm gonna wanna be sure.
My mum of course hates the idea, and so to tease, I've been telling her that I plan to cover my whole left arm.
rather I've been considering the idea of getting, in small letters across my left wrist
Isaiah 6:8
that's it, short and simple...
but it means so much more, it is of course the verse, "Also I heard the voice of the Lord saying: "Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?" Then I said, "HERE I AM! SEND ME."
I love it so much, it's something which will always remain true for me within this life.
but I'll ponder it some more before I even consider making a decision, I do think that some tattoos are quiet hideous, but I also believe that a classy tat can be something really beautiful, meaning so much more, if it's something that means something special.
everyone's entitled to their own decisions but I'm not a fan of the tat on the back, I guess I figure that if I'm going to go through all that pain for it, I wanna be able to pop it out and take a squiz at it whenever I want...(hehe, I'm too practable for my own good)
Ahhh who knows...I'll leave it for now, see what I think in another 6 months, after all I'll be stuck with it for life...I'm gonna wanna be sure.
Realizing the change...
my brain is basically going nuts lately, I'm working at vaccation care while on my holidays, finishing off the painted murel on mum and dads back verandah, busy trying to organise Kate and my 21st for next holidays and finally, trying to put together a comprehensive, 4 week english and maths unit for the year 3/4 students at the primary school for the next time I head back there for the second part of my prac.
Basically, I go to bed tired then wake up still feeling pretty drained, but I can't complain I have a good life, and at least while I'm home painting the murel and creating video tributes for my girl Katie, means that I have creative outlets which I love.
In terms of the brain going nuts, it's in regards to relationships, of the opposite sex variety.
I recently had a friend of mine make me an 'offer' and while I think that he's an awesome guy, after chatting about the situation more I got the distinct impression that he had never spent a lot of time considering the two of us together, but he figured that he could handle having me as a girlfriend, and so he'd be willing to give it a crack. Needless to say I wasn't all that impressed.
However I found so much empowerment in the fact that I didn't get all girly and flattered about the whole thing, rather I was able to stay relatively level-headed and talk about things reasonably with him...
It just convinced me about how much a person is capable of changing in a year, had he asked me back then, when I'm really honest, I probably would have had the same feelings of "Heck why not?!!"
But now, a year on, I realize just how much I've changed. I'm not looking for some whim of the moment romance, some fling, something to 'get me by', the idea of wasting my time, my heart on such a thing seems ridiculous to me.
But as I've spent my time pondering these matters of the heart, I really came to realize that sometimes I'm so scared about it.
I've had someone sit in front of me, look me in the eyes and say "I'll always love you, I'm just not 'in love' with you anymore..." corney and terrible I know, but the fact that it was an over-used line didn't reduce the sting.
The other morning as I woke in my bed, I had this one thought stir in my head, before I even opened my eyes "What if your guy decides he doesn't love you anymore?" - not the best way to start the day.
I guess I've become more cynical...but more than that, I think I'm less naive. I realize that real love is nothing like they portray it in the fairy tales, it's far more complex than that, and broken hearts take more than a tub of ice-cream and a chick flick to heal.
I guess the point of this long rambling is to say, that I don't think I can afford to have my heart broken again, I don't think I would be able to handle it. So it's not something that I'm willing to throw myself into. I'm willing to wait, and not blow my time on something less worthy.
It's going to take me some time to trust, but it'll happen eventually, no rush.
I love my life right now, exactly as it is, I don't really want it to change...but I want me to change, to become the best person I can possibly be, to be all that God wants for me.
The road of life has a lot of blind-spots, but I love this journey and I look forward to seeing where it goes.
Basically, I go to bed tired then wake up still feeling pretty drained, but I can't complain I have a good life, and at least while I'm home painting the murel and creating video tributes for my girl Katie, means that I have creative outlets which I love.
In terms of the brain going nuts, it's in regards to relationships, of the opposite sex variety.
I recently had a friend of mine make me an 'offer' and while I think that he's an awesome guy, after chatting about the situation more I got the distinct impression that he had never spent a lot of time considering the two of us together, but he figured that he could handle having me as a girlfriend, and so he'd be willing to give it a crack. Needless to say I wasn't all that impressed.
However I found so much empowerment in the fact that I didn't get all girly and flattered about the whole thing, rather I was able to stay relatively level-headed and talk about things reasonably with him...
It just convinced me about how much a person is capable of changing in a year, had he asked me back then, when I'm really honest, I probably would have had the same feelings of "Heck why not?!!"
But now, a year on, I realize just how much I've changed. I'm not looking for some whim of the moment romance, some fling, something to 'get me by', the idea of wasting my time, my heart on such a thing seems ridiculous to me.
But as I've spent my time pondering these matters of the heart, I really came to realize that sometimes I'm so scared about it.
I've had someone sit in front of me, look me in the eyes and say "I'll always love you, I'm just not 'in love' with you anymore..." corney and terrible I know, but the fact that it was an over-used line didn't reduce the sting.
The other morning as I woke in my bed, I had this one thought stir in my head, before I even opened my eyes "What if your guy decides he doesn't love you anymore?" - not the best way to start the day.
I guess I've become more cynical...but more than that, I think I'm less naive. I realize that real love is nothing like they portray it in the fairy tales, it's far more complex than that, and broken hearts take more than a tub of ice-cream and a chick flick to heal.
I guess the point of this long rambling is to say, that I don't think I can afford to have my heart broken again, I don't think I would be able to handle it. So it's not something that I'm willing to throw myself into. I'm willing to wait, and not blow my time on something less worthy.
It's going to take me some time to trust, but it'll happen eventually, no rush.
I love my life right now, exactly as it is, I don't really want it to change...but I want me to change, to become the best person I can possibly be, to be all that God wants for me.
The road of life has a lot of blind-spots, but I love this journey and I look forward to seeing where it goes.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Dragging day...
Had one of 'those' days today.
I was working at vaccation care with the kiddly-winks, but this morning I had to head out half an hour earlier in order to get my car to the mechanics for it's rego check, chatted briefly with Bob then headed over to work. WHAT A DAY!
Today involved getting 80 kids on a bus, over to 'Kidspot' - an indoor adventure playground - where they absoultely took over the place (I felt so sorry for the other kids there, our mob go nuts) after their little 'run till they can't walk' session, their excitement had been replaced with crabiness, which made them absolute gems to be around (yeah...right!)
so we headed back over to vaccation care, with ever kid wanting to hang their arms out the bus windows and try to touch the cars, supressing my desire to see if any kids could actually manage to touch a car, I instead sounded like a broken record demanding that the sit with their butts on the seat (simply asking them to sit down often results in kids 'thinking outside the box' - which is highly commendable - and sitting on another childs head, or arm, or lap...you get the idea)
so we had the little raggamuffins doing drama, and melted beading, which required me to use an iron to melt the beaded designs the kids had created. Being the exciteable little tikes that they are they often got to close to the iron, and in my attempts to prevent one of them being burnt I managed to burn myself with the iron on at least 3 different occassions - but all the children, I'm proud to say, are completely unscarred.
I had kids hanging all over me, one kid I was having an awesome conversation with, then got overly excited in his speech and managed to send a splattering of saliva across my face, he didn't even notice, I however smiled and quickly excused myself from the scene so I could wipe the drippings from my face. (Overexaggeration perhaps)
I love kids, don't get me wrong, but I was sore and tired and now soaking wet (I know I know...but allow me to be a drama-queen for the sake of effect) so when home-time came I was as excited as a kid is after school.
As I walked towards my car, I realized that it wasn't there, after a moments worth of freak-out time I remembered that it was having it's rego check and that Dad was picking me up today. I waited a good 10 minutes and still no sign of the old man, so I walked my way round the block, figured a bit of exercise wouldn't be a had thing.
gave dad a buzz from the pay-phone (the joys of no mobile credit) and there was no answer, so I decided that must mean if he's not in his office he must be on his way, so I stood waiting.
and waiting
and waiting
at least 40 minutes past, and still no sign of dad, I was considering giving him another 20 minutes before calling him, when a car full of teenage boys rolled past - all of them hollering and whistling, carrying on about giving me the ride of my life and so on...at that moment I marched my way to the phone box and tried dads work again. Perhaps some girls find it flattering to have guys disrespect them in such a way, maybe my short fuse after a long day made me overexaggerate, but I didn't want to deal with them, with myself within the phone box, they got the message and moved along, muttering something about me being a 'tease' which left me with no doubt about where there brains resided, as their sheep were obviously not all in the top paddock. All I had done was stand on a footpath yet somehow I had managed to lead them on - go figure eh!
The woman dad works with answered the phone and daad had already left.
10 minutes later, round the corner came daddio!
picked up my car, headed home...and here I am...tired and a little crabby.
Mum claimed that I was incredibly quiet tonight. I probably am.
Don't really know whats been up with me lately, I've just been feeling a little melancholy, a little sad, a little lonely. I think I'm in a bit of a wandering period, sorting through some 'me' stuff, which is always good.
give me a good nights sleep and I'll be chipper again. Happy to rise to a new day.
looking forward to tomorrow, a day off, house to myself...hmm, sounds good, I've been in the mood to have some solitude.
yes, in my old age I've become a cynical hermit, at least for tomorrow anyway :)
I was working at vaccation care with the kiddly-winks, but this morning I had to head out half an hour earlier in order to get my car to the mechanics for it's rego check, chatted briefly with Bob then headed over to work. WHAT A DAY!
Today involved getting 80 kids on a bus, over to 'Kidspot' - an indoor adventure playground - where they absoultely took over the place (I felt so sorry for the other kids there, our mob go nuts) after their little 'run till they can't walk' session, their excitement had been replaced with crabiness, which made them absolute gems to be around (yeah...right!)
so we headed back over to vaccation care, with ever kid wanting to hang their arms out the bus windows and try to touch the cars, supressing my desire to see if any kids could actually manage to touch a car, I instead sounded like a broken record demanding that the sit with their butts on the seat (simply asking them to sit down often results in kids 'thinking outside the box' - which is highly commendable - and sitting on another childs head, or arm, or lap...you get the idea)
so we had the little raggamuffins doing drama, and melted beading, which required me to use an iron to melt the beaded designs the kids had created. Being the exciteable little tikes that they are they often got to close to the iron, and in my attempts to prevent one of them being burnt I managed to burn myself with the iron on at least 3 different occassions - but all the children, I'm proud to say, are completely unscarred.
I had kids hanging all over me, one kid I was having an awesome conversation with, then got overly excited in his speech and managed to send a splattering of saliva across my face, he didn't even notice, I however smiled and quickly excused myself from the scene so I could wipe the drippings from my face. (Overexaggeration perhaps)
I love kids, don't get me wrong, but I was sore and tired and now soaking wet (I know I know...but allow me to be a drama-queen for the sake of effect) so when home-time came I was as excited as a kid is after school.
As I walked towards my car, I realized that it wasn't there, after a moments worth of freak-out time I remembered that it was having it's rego check and that Dad was picking me up today. I waited a good 10 minutes and still no sign of the old man, so I walked my way round the block, figured a bit of exercise wouldn't be a had thing.
gave dad a buzz from the pay-phone (the joys of no mobile credit) and there was no answer, so I decided that must mean if he's not in his office he must be on his way, so I stood waiting.
and waiting
and waiting
at least 40 minutes past, and still no sign of dad, I was considering giving him another 20 minutes before calling him, when a car full of teenage boys rolled past - all of them hollering and whistling, carrying on about giving me the ride of my life and so on...at that moment I marched my way to the phone box and tried dads work again. Perhaps some girls find it flattering to have guys disrespect them in such a way, maybe my short fuse after a long day made me overexaggerate, but I didn't want to deal with them, with myself within the phone box, they got the message and moved along, muttering something about me being a 'tease' which left me with no doubt about where there brains resided, as their sheep were obviously not all in the top paddock. All I had done was stand on a footpath yet somehow I had managed to lead them on - go figure eh!
The woman dad works with answered the phone and daad had already left.
10 minutes later, round the corner came daddio!
picked up my car, headed home...and here I am...tired and a little crabby.
Mum claimed that I was incredibly quiet tonight. I probably am.
Don't really know whats been up with me lately, I've just been feeling a little melancholy, a little sad, a little lonely. I think I'm in a bit of a wandering period, sorting through some 'me' stuff, which is always good.
give me a good nights sleep and I'll be chipper again. Happy to rise to a new day.
looking forward to tomorrow, a day off, house to myself...hmm, sounds good, I've been in the mood to have some solitude.
yes, in my old age I've become a cynical hermit, at least for tomorrow anyway :)
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Long time, no blog...
So it's been a while since I've posted, and if theres anyone who actually reads this, well...you have something to read again.
Things have been a bit chaotic of late, running about doing all sorts of things. Home for the holidays, and glad to be here.
While I may not have been blogging, I have been journaling so I'll update my blog from my journals, so if your interested then just read back over the last couple of weeks and it'll all be there.
Things have been a bit chaotic of late, running about doing all sorts of things. Home for the holidays, and glad to be here.
While I may not have been blogging, I have been journaling so I'll update my blog from my journals, so if your interested then just read back over the last couple of weeks and it'll all be there.
Sunday, July 03, 2005
Andy & Kim
I headed to Newcastle on Friday, for a visit to see Kate and Matt. But there was another agenda to this visit on saturday July 2nd 2005 my friends Andy and Kim were to be married.
Saturday rolled around, and there was this incredible excitement in the air. I had become an honourary member of the E-Crew, for the 2 nights I was in Newcastle I had rented a room at Elizabeth House, which was awesome I love this little hovel.
The wedding wasn't to start until 1:30pm but Kate, Erin and I had all decided to get there at around 1pm, we wanted the seats right behind the family, we wanted to be able to see everything!!
As we sitted in the pews chatting nervously to each other, we were blown away by the presence of God which filled the little church, it was absolutely beautiful, there was no doubt that God was there...it was amazing.
Finally 1:30 rolled around. Kim and Andy had decided to have a small wedding with only 60 people set to attend the reception, however the church was absolutely packed with friends who had decided to share this incredible day, myself one of them.
Finally the moment came, Andy and his groomsmen took their place at the top of the aisle, we all stood as the music began to softly float across the room.
The bridesmaids drfited up the aisle, looking absolutely lovely, untill finally Kim floated up the aisle looking radiant, her face shone with pure joy...the second I saw her arm linked with her fathers, my eyes bagan to well with tears (at the exact same time) Kate and I leaned into each other and whispered "She's with her Dad" I could see that Kates eyes were full of tears too.
Kim and her Dad were never incredibly close, but Kim had expressed her deep desire to walk the aisle with her father, but her biggest fear was that he would say no...so to see them together now, was nearly too much. To add to the emotion, the look on Andy's face as Kim approached, one word, Adoration.
As the music faded, the whole rooms eyes feel upon Andy and Kim as they stood hand in hand with the soft glow of candle-light gently stroking their faces. Andy's Pastor ran the service, welcoming and sharing verses, he then introduced the Calvary chapel mob, who had been preparing a short musical piece, Third Day's "Love Song" One guitar and 3 harmonies filled the small service, it was absolutely beautiful, the whole affair was so simple, but I felt God there, He was found within the simplicity of Love.
Before the vows Andy and Kim had asked Terry (Matt and Kates Pastor) to share a word...he shared on the sanctity of marriage, Tezza is such an incredible, incredible speaker, he shares God's word with such passion and makes it come to life, I could listen to him speak for hours on end.
Andy and Kim then exchanged vows, as they gazed into one anothers eyes, there was something so powerful there, not for a second did they look away, nothing broke their gaze...I actually found myself having to look away, for I felt as though I was intruding upon something so very sacred and intimate...I was overwhelmed by the moment.
Kim ended the ceremony, by singing the song "Beautiful", Kimmy had been tearing up all the way through the service so I was impressed that she was able to get up and sing as amazingly as she did.
Being at the service has really had me thinking so much lately. I look forward to the day when I've found the one that I love so deeply that I want to spend the rest of my life with them. At the same time I find the whole thing so frightening, to love someone that much is a scary thought, to invest so much in one person, I know that whoever it is, they will be worthy, but I have invested wrongly in the past, I've invested too much in someone who didn't deserve it. I guess my fear is that I don't think that I have the strength to get it wrong again, So my hesitation is clear...
...I want that sort of love, that level of intimacy, sincere transparency with another.
But untill then I wait with faith...with hope.
Saturday rolled around, and there was this incredible excitement in the air. I had become an honourary member of the E-Crew, for the 2 nights I was in Newcastle I had rented a room at Elizabeth House, which was awesome I love this little hovel.
The wedding wasn't to start until 1:30pm but Kate, Erin and I had all decided to get there at around 1pm, we wanted the seats right behind the family, we wanted to be able to see everything!!
As we sitted in the pews chatting nervously to each other, we were blown away by the presence of God which filled the little church, it was absolutely beautiful, there was no doubt that God was there...it was amazing.
Finally 1:30 rolled around. Kim and Andy had decided to have a small wedding with only 60 people set to attend the reception, however the church was absolutely packed with friends who had decided to share this incredible day, myself one of them.
Finally the moment came, Andy and his groomsmen took their place at the top of the aisle, we all stood as the music began to softly float across the room.
The bridesmaids drfited up the aisle, looking absolutely lovely, untill finally Kim floated up the aisle looking radiant, her face shone with pure joy...the second I saw her arm linked with her fathers, my eyes bagan to well with tears (at the exact same time) Kate and I leaned into each other and whispered "She's with her Dad" I could see that Kates eyes were full of tears too.
Kim and her Dad were never incredibly close, but Kim had expressed her deep desire to walk the aisle with her father, but her biggest fear was that he would say no...so to see them together now, was nearly too much. To add to the emotion, the look on Andy's face as Kim approached, one word, Adoration.
As the music faded, the whole rooms eyes feel upon Andy and Kim as they stood hand in hand with the soft glow of candle-light gently stroking their faces. Andy's Pastor ran the service, welcoming and sharing verses, he then introduced the Calvary chapel mob, who had been preparing a short musical piece, Third Day's "Love Song" One guitar and 3 harmonies filled the small service, it was absolutely beautiful, the whole affair was so simple, but I felt God there, He was found within the simplicity of Love.
Before the vows Andy and Kim had asked Terry (Matt and Kates Pastor) to share a word...he shared on the sanctity of marriage, Tezza is such an incredible, incredible speaker, he shares God's word with such passion and makes it come to life, I could listen to him speak for hours on end.
Andy and Kim then exchanged vows, as they gazed into one anothers eyes, there was something so powerful there, not for a second did they look away, nothing broke their gaze...I actually found myself having to look away, for I felt as though I was intruding upon something so very sacred and intimate...I was overwhelmed by the moment.
Kim ended the ceremony, by singing the song "Beautiful", Kimmy had been tearing up all the way through the service so I was impressed that she was able to get up and sing as amazingly as she did.
Being at the service has really had me thinking so much lately. I look forward to the day when I've found the one that I love so deeply that I want to spend the rest of my life with them. At the same time I find the whole thing so frightening, to love someone that much is a scary thought, to invest so much in one person, I know that whoever it is, they will be worthy, but I have invested wrongly in the past, I've invested too much in someone who didn't deserve it. I guess my fear is that I don't think that I have the strength to get it wrong again, So my hesitation is clear...
...I want that sort of love, that level of intimacy, sincere transparency with another.
But untill then I wait with faith...with hope.
Friday, June 24, 2005
Can I?!!...
I sent my first student to the Principals office today, and he sort of snubbed me for the rest of the day, which kinda sucked...but he did spend the rest of the day trying to make it up to me, and behaved for me.
Feels like a bit of a victory, but it's so tough, having to be firm and raise my voice to these kids is not something I enjoy, but I can slowly see that they are listening to me more and more.
The kid that I sent to the Principals office was pushing me so far, he just kept pushing and pushing. Tony (Supervising teacher) offered to step in, but I asked him to leave it with me, because I wanted to try and sort this on my own, see what I would do with a tough situation.
So Tony gave me the class for the afternoon, and they really turned it on. Dilemma after dilemma. We had a punch-up in the yard at lunch-time and the boys tried to bring it into the class that afternoon, at one point I had to physically pull the boys away from each other, while trying to get the class focussed on the afternoon activities. It was a pretty stressful session, but I got through it, and to say that I was relieved when the home-bell went at 3pm would be an understatment.
I chatted to Tony this afternoon about how the day went, he said that he was impressed with how I handled it, and gave me some tips for how to deal with situations like that should they, God forbid, occur again. All up it was good, stressful, daunting, breaking...but I'm learning and I guess this is what it's all about.
It was my last day today, but I'll be back at the same school with the same class next term for 4 weeks...so that'll be interesting.
I got home today, pulled into my parking space and sat in the car, and just cried, I think it was a combination of relief, stress and the breaking.
I've had to change my attitude to teaching, and often it's felt as though I've had to change who I am when I step into the classroom and thats tough.
As I sat there in my car, tears streaming my cheeks I was questioning if I would be able to do this , could I do this job...
I don't know how long I was sitting there, but when I lifted my head from the stearing wheel I realized that the sun was setting, from my parking spot at the top of the hill, I could see straight out, and all that was there was sky...eternal sky. It was beautiful!
And before I knew it, out loud I was whispering, "Lord I know I can do this, I was designed to do this...your just growing me up"
With that I decided to stop being such a sook, I took a deep breath, wiped my cheeks, blew my nose and walked inside.
I can do this, I need to do this, but more than anything I want to do this!
Feels like a bit of a victory, but it's so tough, having to be firm and raise my voice to these kids is not something I enjoy, but I can slowly see that they are listening to me more and more.
The kid that I sent to the Principals office was pushing me so far, he just kept pushing and pushing. Tony (Supervising teacher) offered to step in, but I asked him to leave it with me, because I wanted to try and sort this on my own, see what I would do with a tough situation.
So Tony gave me the class for the afternoon, and they really turned it on. Dilemma after dilemma. We had a punch-up in the yard at lunch-time and the boys tried to bring it into the class that afternoon, at one point I had to physically pull the boys away from each other, while trying to get the class focussed on the afternoon activities. It was a pretty stressful session, but I got through it, and to say that I was relieved when the home-bell went at 3pm would be an understatment.
I chatted to Tony this afternoon about how the day went, he said that he was impressed with how I handled it, and gave me some tips for how to deal with situations like that should they, God forbid, occur again. All up it was good, stressful, daunting, breaking...but I'm learning and I guess this is what it's all about.
It was my last day today, but I'll be back at the same school with the same class next term for 4 weeks...so that'll be interesting.
I got home today, pulled into my parking space and sat in the car, and just cried, I think it was a combination of relief, stress and the breaking.
I've had to change my attitude to teaching, and often it's felt as though I've had to change who I am when I step into the classroom and thats tough.
As I sat there in my car, tears streaming my cheeks I was questioning if I would be able to do this , could I do this job...
I don't know how long I was sitting there, but when I lifted my head from the stearing wheel I realized that the sun was setting, from my parking spot at the top of the hill, I could see straight out, and all that was there was sky...eternal sky. It was beautiful!
And before I knew it, out loud I was whispering, "Lord I know I can do this, I was designed to do this...your just growing me up"
With that I decided to stop being such a sook, I took a deep breath, wiped my cheeks, blew my nose and walked inside.
I can do this, I need to do this, but more than anything I want to do this!
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Back to School...
Since the 14th of this month, I've been no longer at University dredging my way through the text-books, rather I've been at Pacific Palms public school on my teaching prac. So here I am finally in my second week here. My supervising teacher is awesome, I admire him hugely and he's probably the first teacher who I've actually seen put into practise the things we're told to do at Uni, I've observed a number of teachers, and he's the first that I'm sincerely impressed with.
I'm struggling quite a bit at the moment. The class I've been placed with is incredibly difficult. Many of the children come from troubled homes, their worlds are built in a way which often requires them to become 'little adults' because their parents are so caught up in their own situations, it's a sad reality.
For this reason my teaching strategies are absolutely being torn to bits, and I'm being forced to change in order to survive. Real change is never easy, and I'm finding it painful and frustrating.
Over my last 2 pracs, the classes haven't had any behaviour problems, and I've been able to go in there and be that happy, kind, smiley teacher, I haven't had to prove myself to them, and I haven't had to work hard in order to gain their respect.
That's all changed this prac, I went in the same way I have with every other prac, and learnt that in order to keep the class under control I've had to change my entire persona.
There have been many times when it's been necessary to become quite harsh, quite stern in order to have the students take me seriously and know that I mean business.
Thats the part that I've found difficult, having to be the meanie when neccessary, if I had a choice I would be the 'nice teacher', but I now realize that it is neccessary for me to play both roles.
I've been chatting to my supervising teacher Tony, quite a bit about it, and the more I talk about it with him, the more I am convinced that I have to either step-up, or step-off.
Tony has noticed my hesitation to be the heavy when I need to be, during our chat today he said,
"Jess, I can see that you honestly care about these kids, and you enjoy their company. I can see that the kids like having you around incredibly, because your friendly and caring, you make them feel important, Which is fantastic! But you need to be careful, because if you don't stop the cruddy behaviour early on, then you'll find over half the class will follow instruction and respect you, but the other half will think that they can walk all over you, and they'll have there best go...being the kind teacher doesn't grant you respect, you have to remind them, often with harsh reality, that you are the teacher, they are the students, which means that what you say goes..."
I respect Tony alot, and I know that everything he's saying is right, I want to be the best teacher that I can be, and I know that I'm no where close right now, but I'm willing to learn, and I'll take Tony's advice and keep working at it...being the meanie, now surely I can do that!!
I'm struggling quite a bit at the moment. The class I've been placed with is incredibly difficult. Many of the children come from troubled homes, their worlds are built in a way which often requires them to become 'little adults' because their parents are so caught up in their own situations, it's a sad reality.
For this reason my teaching strategies are absolutely being torn to bits, and I'm being forced to change in order to survive. Real change is never easy, and I'm finding it painful and frustrating.
Over my last 2 pracs, the classes haven't had any behaviour problems, and I've been able to go in there and be that happy, kind, smiley teacher, I haven't had to prove myself to them, and I haven't had to work hard in order to gain their respect.
That's all changed this prac, I went in the same way I have with every other prac, and learnt that in order to keep the class under control I've had to change my entire persona.
There have been many times when it's been necessary to become quite harsh, quite stern in order to have the students take me seriously and know that I mean business.
Thats the part that I've found difficult, having to be the meanie when neccessary, if I had a choice I would be the 'nice teacher', but I now realize that it is neccessary for me to play both roles.
I've been chatting to my supervising teacher Tony, quite a bit about it, and the more I talk about it with him, the more I am convinced that I have to either step-up, or step-off.
Tony has noticed my hesitation to be the heavy when I need to be, during our chat today he said,
"Jess, I can see that you honestly care about these kids, and you enjoy their company. I can see that the kids like having you around incredibly, because your friendly and caring, you make them feel important, Which is fantastic! But you need to be careful, because if you don't stop the cruddy behaviour early on, then you'll find over half the class will follow instruction and respect you, but the other half will think that they can walk all over you, and they'll have there best go...being the kind teacher doesn't grant you respect, you have to remind them, often with harsh reality, that you are the teacher, they are the students, which means that what you say goes..."
I respect Tony alot, and I know that everything he's saying is right, I want to be the best teacher that I can be, and I know that I'm no where close right now, but I'm willing to learn, and I'll take Tony's advice and keep working at it...being the meanie, now surely I can do that!!
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
My heart...
Save me O my God, for the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in the depths where there is no foothold. I have come into deep waters, the floods engulf me now.
My throat is parched and I am worn out from calling out for help. My eyes fail looking for you.
Lord you know my sin, my guilt is not hidden from you.
May those who hope in you not be disgraced because of me.
I am a stranger to my brothers, to my own family.
For zeal for your house it consumes me, and the insults to you fall on me.
Psalm 69.
My throat is parched and I am worn out from calling out for help. My eyes fail looking for you.
Lord you know my sin, my guilt is not hidden from you.
May those who hope in you not be disgraced because of me.
I am a stranger to my brothers, to my own family.
For zeal for your house it consumes me, and the insults to you fall on me.
Psalm 69.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Take my World Apart...
It seems my big issue lately has been to do with guilt over things which are in my past. I've taken them to God, but I struggle to leave them their.
I guess yuo might be wondering what things I've been guilty of, and since I crave transparency with people so much, it requires a risk, putting myself "out there" and allowing myself to be humbled.
During the last 18 months of my University life I changed, I guess the easiest way to explain it would be to say that I was lonely. I made the decision to try and spend more time with my girls, the process was so gradual, that I didn't really realize it until months later. These wednesday girlies nights, gradually developed into get glammed-up, drinking and heading out. I got drunk on many of those occasions and while I knew that Gods word was clear when it came to drunk idiosy, I was there every wednesday night, doing the same thing.
When I'm completely honest, I'll admit that I liked the attention I got from males while I was out, not all of them were sleazy, but ultimately they were all after the same thing. ..The only peace I find in the whole thing is that I never gave it to them . But the problem was my heart, my intentions. I wanted to be noticed, and I wanted the attention of males, and when I'm desiring that over the attention of God...well theres a serious problem.
During a friends party, after a few drinks, I flirted and kissed a guy I'd only met on about 3 occasions...I wasn't proud.
It's been about 4 months since any of this, and only now is it truely hitting me hard, I guess it's a rebellion thing, I've lived the life of a good little christian girl my whole life, I don't know why I decided to be a retard.
and I'm struggling...I know that I need to get it out of my life, I know that I need to change, but I don't know how to...
I cried so hard last night as I prayed, I don't know where to even start changing. Though deep down I know it's not true, I know that I can change, and I know how to change if I truely want to. I guess my biggest fear is that changing will involve stepping away from the people who influence me in the wrong way, and I've grown to truely love these people.
Gods been placing it on my heart in a big way lately, and it feels as though he's taking my world apart...and it's tough, but I know that I have to make a decision, I've been living this crazy-ass double life too long. I can't keep serving God, except on wednesday nights. I can't give him everything except my drinking...
It's tough, because I honestly enjoy it...it's probably not a good thing to enjoy, but hey, I'm trying to be honest here.
Pray for me please...your prayers right now would be awesome!
I guess yuo might be wondering what things I've been guilty of, and since I crave transparency with people so much, it requires a risk, putting myself "out there" and allowing myself to be humbled.
During the last 18 months of my University life I changed, I guess the easiest way to explain it would be to say that I was lonely. I made the decision to try and spend more time with my girls, the process was so gradual, that I didn't really realize it until months later. These wednesday girlies nights, gradually developed into get glammed-up, drinking and heading out. I got drunk on many of those occasions and while I knew that Gods word was clear when it came to drunk idiosy, I was there every wednesday night, doing the same thing.
When I'm completely honest, I'll admit that I liked the attention I got from males while I was out, not all of them were sleazy, but ultimately they were all after the same thing. ..The only peace I find in the whole thing is that I never gave it to them . But the problem was my heart, my intentions. I wanted to be noticed, and I wanted the attention of males, and when I'm desiring that over the attention of God...well theres a serious problem.
During a friends party, after a few drinks, I flirted and kissed a guy I'd only met on about 3 occasions...I wasn't proud.
It's been about 4 months since any of this, and only now is it truely hitting me hard, I guess it's a rebellion thing, I've lived the life of a good little christian girl my whole life, I don't know why I decided to be a retard.
and I'm struggling...I know that I need to get it out of my life, I know that I need to change, but I don't know how to...
I cried so hard last night as I prayed, I don't know where to even start changing. Though deep down I know it's not true, I know that I can change, and I know how to change if I truely want to. I guess my biggest fear is that changing will involve stepping away from the people who influence me in the wrong way, and I've grown to truely love these people.
Gods been placing it on my heart in a big way lately, and it feels as though he's taking my world apart...and it's tough, but I know that I have to make a decision, I've been living this crazy-ass double life too long. I can't keep serving God, except on wednesday nights. I can't give him everything except my drinking...
It's tough, because I honestly enjoy it...it's probably not a good thing to enjoy, but hey, I'm trying to be honest here.
Pray for me please...your prayers right now would be awesome!
Sunday, June 05, 2005
Tears for this life...
I don't want anyone near me, sometimes I think it would just be easier on my own. But would it? People aren't the problem, it's me, I'm my own worst enemy, I need escape from myself. I'm a spoilt brat, too often finding myself crying over the spilt milk-
What have I sacrificed in this life? Nothing
What have I suffered? Nothing
I live my cushy life and I act like a fool.
I'm in one of those moods tonight, and it's not good.
I don't deserve Gods grace, mercy or blessing - I'm a pathetic sinner and I'm ashamed of myself.
In the last 6 months alone I realized how many ridiculous mistakes I've made... I sat with a mirror inches from my face starring into my eyes untill I no longer recognised them as my own. And I wept, I wept so hard because I could see the times I broke Christs heart, I saw how many times my life has sent him to the cross, how many times I've spat on his face - when all I've ever wanted to do is wash his feet with my tears. I'm sorry Lord, I'm so desperately sorry!
I know that I'm forgiven, but I don't ever want to take lightly his grace and his mercy living in my life.
What have I sacrificed in this life? Nothing
What have I suffered? Nothing
I live my cushy life and I act like a fool.
I'm in one of those moods tonight, and it's not good.
I don't deserve Gods grace, mercy or blessing - I'm a pathetic sinner and I'm ashamed of myself.
In the last 6 months alone I realized how many ridiculous mistakes I've made... I sat with a mirror inches from my face starring into my eyes untill I no longer recognised them as my own. And I wept, I wept so hard because I could see the times I broke Christs heart, I saw how many times my life has sent him to the cross, how many times I've spat on his face - when all I've ever wanted to do is wash his feet with my tears. I'm sorry Lord, I'm so desperately sorry!
I know that I'm forgiven, but I don't ever want to take lightly his grace and his mercy living in my life.
Friday, June 03, 2005
Whatta Day!!
So today was one of those days...where everything just seems to go to pooh.
I finished my horrid social Justice essay at around 5pm yesterday. So I was stoked to not have to pull another all nighter.
So I woke up at around 10am this morning with my floppy disk in hand (Yes I'm old school and ridiculous) I headed up to the Uni to print off my assignment, thinking it was going to be a five minute job, I'd planned to meet a couple of buddies for 'brunch' at a cafe in town. I arrived at the Uni inserted my disk, attempted to open the file, only to have the computer tell me that the filename or pathway wasn't valid. I probably sat there for a good half an hour fiddling away trying to sort out the issue...nothing.
So I headed back to my room to try and sort out the issue on my comp. (which doesn't have a printer, thus the reason for needing to use the Uni ones) I had checked the file off the disk before I left and everything worked, only now as I placed the disk back in the A drive...to have the comp now tell me the same thing as the Uni ones...I was stuffed...I'd been really stupid, I usually always saved a back-up file on my hard-drive, but nooooooooooooo not this time, I'd figured since I'd never needed it before, I wouldn't need it now.
Murphies Law Strikes Again!!
So it's now probably been a couple of hours, it's about 12:30pm, the assignments not due till 5 so I'm thinking I may still be alright. I've already rung the girls and told them I won't be able to make it to the Cafe, and they offer to pray for the situation which was incredibly appreciated. So I give the Computer assistants a call and he comes over to try and sort the issue. He was working on the Comp. for over an hour and a half and he couldn't track anything...he apologises profusely and leaves with his final words being, "Always save a back-up", Golly haven't I learnt.
So it's now 2pm, and I'm starting to get a bit frantic, actually thats probably an understatement, at one point I was balling, and I think I punched my bed a couple of hundred times, till I wore myself out and collapsed in a heap on the floor I was at breaking point, I had no idea what I was going to do, everything felt hopeless...I was absolutely stuffed!! Then my senses kicked in and in a blubbering mess on the floor I got on my knee's and prayed about it. Maybe your thinking that I was getting carried away, maybe I was after all there's always extensions right?!
I guess I've prided myself on the fact that I've never asked for an extension since being at Uni, My goal is to be a targeted teacher once I finish my degree, and in order for that to happen I need a nice steady academic record.
So after I've had my blubber, thumped my bed,had a good chat and pray to the big dude, I stood back up, blew my nose and wiped my eyes and decided to get a hold of myself. Not 2 minutes after I've tidied myself up, but my flatmate Luke walks into the room, saying "Having Computer Probs?" I explained the whole situation to him, and he tells me that he has a feeling the computer assistant was a bit of a twit, and offers to take a squiz...he finds nothing.
It's now 3pm...2 hours and counting... I send an email to the Unit co-ordinator, explaining the situation, but admitting that the problem was my own doing, and that it would only be fair I lost marks...
He replies almost instantly saying, that it would be fine, no academic penalty if I handed it in on Monday...Lets just say I was relieved, but I don't know, it wasn't enough I kept thinking, 'My God is bigger than this...he created the freakin' world, whats an assignment" I headed back to my room, and Got really, real with God, Told the devil to absolutely shove it, and basically put it down to, I shouldn't have to re-write this whole bloody essay, I worked hard on it, I put in the effort, we go through trials to teach us stuff...whats this supposed to teach me, (other than to save a back-up) it doesn't make sense, it's ridiculous.
You might say I was out of line, maybe...
At 3:45 I traced the assignment...don't ask me how it came to me to get it...actually do ask me, coz I'm alright with Computers, but I'm no champ, all I can say is that God came through big time...
I saved the file onto a disk, saved it onto the computer, grabbed my car keys and headed over to the computer labs to print it. There's no paper in the printer, I get paper. There's no ink in the printer...they put a new ink cartridge in. The disk needs formatting on the comp. and apparantly "Formatting the disk will erase all files stored on the disk"
I run back to the flat...just as Liz is leaving "You wouldn't have a disk I could borrow would you?" I pant...She doesn't.
Hearing my desperate plea, Luke comes wandering out, waving a floppy disk, MY HERO!
I copy the file, run over to the labs, NO COMPS FREE!!! ARRRRRG!
It's 4:15pm...
I jump in the car, tyres squealing all the way up the hill...get to the library, chuck the disk in the comp. Print the assignment, speed walk over to the curriculum Centre, staple the assignment, stop to help a little dude from the campus pre-school do up his shoelace, run to the Lecturers office, stop to help an old dude with a huge pile of paper boxes (I could just imagine that the paper was going to the printers, and I know how I needed that) walking down the hallway of offices, no idea at all which one was my lecturers....
Till I see One office, a yellow glow shinning from within, a chorus of Angels singing "HALLELUYAH!!" I realize that I am no longer walking, but my feet are skimming across the ground and I'm somehow miraculously drifting towards the door...
I step into the office hand the assignment to Roz, she looks up from her Desk "Jess!! Neil told me your assignment was going to be late?!" I gave her the brief version of events, to which she sighed and said "Always save a back-up"
from now on I will...
So as I was driving home from Uni at 5pm on the dot...I had my music cranked up to the max, singing praises to me Dad, who came through BIG TIME for me today.
I headed into my room for a bit of a nap, but I just ended up having a pray, which again ended with some tears...this time they were the good type. So tonight as I sit here and type this, I can laugh about what happened, but more than ever I know that God truely does care about the little things in my life, as tedious and stupid as they may be in the grand scale of things...to him, they're as important as they are to me.
God's grace is awesome! My own stupidity should have disqualified me from that...but nope! he's still handing it out free, and all he asks for in return is my time, my life. And seriously whats that?! coz it really isn't anything special without him, and I'd hate to think how I would have dealt today if I hadn't had him around to lean on.
I finished my horrid social Justice essay at around 5pm yesterday. So I was stoked to not have to pull another all nighter.
So I woke up at around 10am this morning with my floppy disk in hand (Yes I'm old school and ridiculous) I headed up to the Uni to print off my assignment, thinking it was going to be a five minute job, I'd planned to meet a couple of buddies for 'brunch' at a cafe in town. I arrived at the Uni inserted my disk, attempted to open the file, only to have the computer tell me that the filename or pathway wasn't valid. I probably sat there for a good half an hour fiddling away trying to sort out the issue...nothing.
So I headed back to my room to try and sort out the issue on my comp. (which doesn't have a printer, thus the reason for needing to use the Uni ones) I had checked the file off the disk before I left and everything worked, only now as I placed the disk back in the A drive...to have the comp now tell me the same thing as the Uni ones...I was stuffed...I'd been really stupid, I usually always saved a back-up file on my hard-drive, but nooooooooooooo not this time, I'd figured since I'd never needed it before, I wouldn't need it now.
Murphies Law Strikes Again!!
So it's now probably been a couple of hours, it's about 12:30pm, the assignments not due till 5 so I'm thinking I may still be alright. I've already rung the girls and told them I won't be able to make it to the Cafe, and they offer to pray for the situation which was incredibly appreciated. So I give the Computer assistants a call and he comes over to try and sort the issue. He was working on the Comp. for over an hour and a half and he couldn't track anything...he apologises profusely and leaves with his final words being, "Always save a back-up", Golly haven't I learnt.
So it's now 2pm, and I'm starting to get a bit frantic, actually thats probably an understatement, at one point I was balling, and I think I punched my bed a couple of hundred times, till I wore myself out and collapsed in a heap on the floor I was at breaking point, I had no idea what I was going to do, everything felt hopeless...I was absolutely stuffed!! Then my senses kicked in and in a blubbering mess on the floor I got on my knee's and prayed about it. Maybe your thinking that I was getting carried away, maybe I was after all there's always extensions right?!
I guess I've prided myself on the fact that I've never asked for an extension since being at Uni, My goal is to be a targeted teacher once I finish my degree, and in order for that to happen I need a nice steady academic record.
So after I've had my blubber, thumped my bed,had a good chat and pray to the big dude, I stood back up, blew my nose and wiped my eyes and decided to get a hold of myself. Not 2 minutes after I've tidied myself up, but my flatmate Luke walks into the room, saying "Having Computer Probs?" I explained the whole situation to him, and he tells me that he has a feeling the computer assistant was a bit of a twit, and offers to take a squiz...he finds nothing.
It's now 3pm...2 hours and counting... I send an email to the Unit co-ordinator, explaining the situation, but admitting that the problem was my own doing, and that it would only be fair I lost marks...
He replies almost instantly saying, that it would be fine, no academic penalty if I handed it in on Monday...Lets just say I was relieved, but I don't know, it wasn't enough I kept thinking, 'My God is bigger than this...he created the freakin' world, whats an assignment" I headed back to my room, and Got really, real with God, Told the devil to absolutely shove it, and basically put it down to, I shouldn't have to re-write this whole bloody essay, I worked hard on it, I put in the effort, we go through trials to teach us stuff...whats this supposed to teach me, (other than to save a back-up) it doesn't make sense, it's ridiculous.
You might say I was out of line, maybe...
At 3:45 I traced the assignment...don't ask me how it came to me to get it...actually do ask me, coz I'm alright with Computers, but I'm no champ, all I can say is that God came through big time...
I saved the file onto a disk, saved it onto the computer, grabbed my car keys and headed over to the computer labs to print it. There's no paper in the printer, I get paper. There's no ink in the printer...they put a new ink cartridge in. The disk needs formatting on the comp. and apparantly "Formatting the disk will erase all files stored on the disk"
I run back to the flat...just as Liz is leaving "You wouldn't have a disk I could borrow would you?" I pant...She doesn't.
Hearing my desperate plea, Luke comes wandering out, waving a floppy disk, MY HERO!
I copy the file, run over to the labs, NO COMPS FREE!!! ARRRRRG!
It's 4:15pm...
I jump in the car, tyres squealing all the way up the hill...get to the library, chuck the disk in the comp. Print the assignment, speed walk over to the curriculum Centre, staple the assignment, stop to help a little dude from the campus pre-school do up his shoelace, run to the Lecturers office, stop to help an old dude with a huge pile of paper boxes (I could just imagine that the paper was going to the printers, and I know how I needed that) walking down the hallway of offices, no idea at all which one was my lecturers....
Till I see One office, a yellow glow shinning from within, a chorus of Angels singing "HALLELUYAH!!" I realize that I am no longer walking, but my feet are skimming across the ground and I'm somehow miraculously drifting towards the door...
I step into the office hand the assignment to Roz, she looks up from her Desk "Jess!! Neil told me your assignment was going to be late?!" I gave her the brief version of events, to which she sighed and said "Always save a back-up"
from now on I will...
So as I was driving home from Uni at 5pm on the dot...I had my music cranked up to the max, singing praises to me Dad, who came through BIG TIME for me today.
I headed into my room for a bit of a nap, but I just ended up having a pray, which again ended with some tears...this time they were the good type. So tonight as I sit here and type this, I can laugh about what happened, but more than ever I know that God truely does care about the little things in my life, as tedious and stupid as they may be in the grand scale of things...to him, they're as important as they are to me.
God's grace is awesome! My own stupidity should have disqualified me from that...but nope! he's still handing it out free, and all he asks for in return is my time, my life. And seriously whats that?! coz it really isn't anything special without him, and I'd hate to think how I would have dealt today if I hadn't had him around to lean on.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)