bucket, wave, sing and drink...

And so it happened (I just broke the rule of starting a sentence with 'and') Last night I ran the bible study. I was supposed to run it last Tuesday, but the wonderful Andrew got to chatting about evangalism and the likes of, and when he talks about something I just can't help but sit in awe, I love that brain and so the last thing I was going to do was interrupt and change the direction of the night.
So at the helm of the bible study this week was Mwah! Probably worked in my favour to not have done it last week, as come last night I had my nerves more under control than I had the same time the week before.

Throughout it felt so painful, I didn't feel that I was making the connections I wanted to make, or that I was even expressing things the way I wanted them to be expressed...

But at the end of the night people told me they thought it was great, that I had done an awesome job, leading the discussion. I didn't really agree, but their words were kind, and people really seemed to be able to chat about the topic raised which was encouraging.

I guess when it comes down to it, I felt challenged throughout the whole preparation and application process...I felt stretched. I guess it's just another example of Christs faithfulness, I asked for it and he brought it to being. I'm not sure if I'll run another bible study for a while, at the completion of the last the first thing I thought was, I don't think I'm designed to lead a small group. But then Nick came over and said that I should consider doing another one. So maybe more practise will flex this little muscle a bit.

............................

On the subject of muscles, I've decided that it's time to really get in shape. Of late as I've really begun to shape up spiritually, I've really felt convicted about the condition I've allowed my body to be in. When I really look at it, I don't believe that I'm honouring God by being a lazy-ass. So I've decided that it's time for a Godly boot-camp of sorts. My aim is to create a healthy mind, body and spirit. As Uni comes to a close for another year, I've decided to spend the next 3 months really stepping up to the challenge. I love a good challenge.
Daily stretching of the mind, spirit and body.
Your more than welcome to share this challenge with me. I'll share with you here about my progress. Encouragement is more than welcome...and heck knows there are going to be days when I'll really need it.

So to kick off - "Body-step" tonight...it's hard, but I think I've found an exercise which I really love!!

P.S. Got swooped by a Magpie today as Bec and I were trecking up the hill - add to that the fact that the cops drove past right on cue, laughing hysterically and then as I blindly spun trying to avoid a beak to the back of the head, I walked straight into the chest of some bloke coming down the hill, would have falen on my butt except he grabbed my arm before I could fall too far. All I managed to mumble in the chaos was "I nearly killed you and then you saved me!"
Hmmm...interesting day...Man, I was laughing hysterically, all I can say is that I'm glad the bloke was laughing too.

Have an awesome day guys wear a bucket on your head while waving your arms furiously, singing and remember to drink plenty of water! ;)

He's mixing it up...

So, I've been asked to bring something to share at bible study this week. Nick approached me on sunday about it and asked if I didn't mind would I be interested in deciding the direction of the night.
My initial reaction was to say 'No' but then when I took a moment to consider, I realized that this was the sort of opportunities I'd been sort of wanting in a round-a-bout sort of way. So I decided to say okie doke.
And pretty much straight away I started to think, "what have I gotten myself into?!"
But I brainstormed last night, and just really laid it before God and asked him to decide the direction of the night. When I woke up this morning and started reading through some of the idea's I really felt at peace with one in particular, which coincidently (I don't think so!!) is the one which requires me to be the most vulnerable.
I Figure that it makes sense since I did ask God to keep me humble through the whole experience so that it doesn't become a "Oh I'm leading" power trip. So some of the things Gods stirring in me to share are definitely going to keep me humble, and to be absolutely honest, scares the bejeebers outta me.

So thats the big thing of the moment, just preparing myself to serve the best way I can.

On the Nick situation, things are good. As I've spent my time in close fellowship with God I feel as though I've been wearing my spiritual blinders a bit more, not allowing myself to be distracted by other things. Because of this I was able to have a great chat with Nick after Church on sunday, no craziness or moronics, just some good laughs and interesting convo.

*HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF*

Sunday Arvo, I headed out to lunch with the girls at 'rumours' and got some piccies. I really have to start getting more piccies up here...I will eventually.
I love hanging out with my girls, they're among some of the greatest blessings in my life.

Watched the movie "Kingdom of Heaven" SOooooooo good! Loved it so much, so I bought it for my dad for his birthday, a pressy we can both enjoy ;)

Hmmm...what else?!

OH! heres a biggen, which I'm pretty stoked about. Bec came back chatting about her big weekend on the grog and doing all these different things, and whre my flesh use to crave that old man lifestyle I had. I felt sick...
I don't just mean disgusted, but I started feeling physically sick, like I was going to throw-up.
perhaps I'm strange - actually thats a given. But having that feeling made me feel 'over the moon'.
As I've spent more and more time in fellowship with God, my heart is changing, my desires are changing, and I'm really seeing the uselessness of this worlds filfillments for what they are - Trash!

Gods changing me and I love it - I just want to serve him with everything.
Tiny fear that I may loose friendships...since I'm not into the party scene anymore - but God is more faithful and I'm taking on the attitude that, it really doesn't matter to me. People matter to me, but the only way I can help them, is to allow myself to show them the way, to point them to Jesus, and I can't do that while I'm just one of the masses.
Gods call and his purpose is starting to weigh so heavily on my conciousness that I don't want to live out my days trying to make everyone happy. I want to live out my days to make my saviour, my dad happy.
I'm his passion - He's gotta be mine too!!

dis-jointed words...of a growing heart.

So you like someone, realize that your not getting any signals at all, fear even daring to make your feelings known out of fear of rejection. No make that, you don't make your feelings known because your not recieving any signs that they're interested in you.

So you pray, and you feel God telling you that he wants you to let it go.

It's been a year getting to know this person, you respect them hugely and everytime you think of letting it go you think "But what am I supposed to do after that?"

"There is no sacrifice without pain" They're the words God whispered to my spirit last night...
"Nor shall I make offerings to the Lord my God with that which costs me nothing"
2 Samuel 24:24 - thats the verse thats been bouncing around in my head.

You'll have to excuse my very broken writing tonight, I'm just knackered, my brain is fried from this stupid social Justice Essay and I'm more than ready for a sleep.

I've been living up a huge God week this week. The busiest week of Uni this term and my buddy Fless and I made a pact to fully go out hard for God. Craziness, perhaps, but we want to make a concious effort ot keep God on top of everything in our lives, especially when everything tells us to bury it for a while untill life settles down...after all, this life is LIFE!

so thats me, I work, I pray, I study, I worship, I think and I cry...

God said I could have a good cry about the whole situation - for all of you on the outside looking in, I bet it sounds ridiculous and I'll agree, it probably is. But to me, it means something, and to me it's something my heart has to deal with.

I know God wants me single right now, but I'm only human, I miss the companionship, I miss having someone to hold and someone to be held by.
But God is faithful, never cruel. It's as simple as that.

I trust you Dad, I've just got to pop on the blinders and keep my eyes fixed on you.

Appreciation...

So it's been a few days since I last posted, and here I find myself tapping at the keyboard on a rainy saturday afternoon.
Some of my mob from Armidale came up with the concept of comedy-dessert fests on a saturday night, so thats what I'm preparing for currently; this weeks viewing will consist of "Mother and Son" accompanied by big bowls of ice cream with all the shabbang (Sprinkles choc sauce, choc bits)
We've got plans for Mr Bean, Lano and Woodley and Carl Barron amongst others (One each week) over the next few weeks.

Though I must admit that while I'm anticipating this evening I'm missing Wae Jae terribly, I KNOW! I never thought that would happen :p
Nah I have to admit that I've grown incredibly fond of the man. Over the last week we've sat up till around 2am chatting about all sorts of things, I've never had an incredibly close male friend and I must say that I'm loving it. I guess the greatest thing about it all is that there is a level of transparancy which occasionally leaves me awe-struck. But at the same time there is no confusion in the emotional arena, we both know where we stand and there's something very liberating about not having to worry that the other may be reading into something more than was intended.
Though what was exciting was Felicity's admital of her feelings towards Wae Jae, had I not been driving at the time I would have leapt out of my seat for sheer excitement. I couldn't help feeling that it would be the ultimate union.
I love Felicity and Wae Jae incredibly, so so much. Wae Jae had spoken of another woman about a month ago, and as he spent some time with her I remember feeling saddened by the fact that he wasn't around very much anymore, because she didn't like coming over to his place, so he was constantly over there. My concern was also that he often missed church and bible studies because he was 'busy'. Granted you don't need those things in order to continue with your christian walk, but when you know someone well, you can see when they're struggling, and I could see that in Wae Jae.
But alas those times have passed, and call me selfish but I'm grateful for being able to have my buddy back.

Finally I get to the point which I intended to begin with. Wae Jae graduated yesterday with his Bachelor of Commerce.[see piccie] Luke and I sat in the scorching sun for 2 hours to watch him take the stage and shake some hands. His parents and Grandma had travelled over from Malaysia to attend and so I got to meet the people responsible for this funny little man. Wae Jae's mother was adorable, absolutely gorgeous and just incredibly lovely, we both whinged about having colds and shared some tissues and cough lollies. Luke and I got some piccies with the boy and then headed down the hill to leave the family to some hang-out time.



And so, early this morning Wae Jae and his family headed off to Sydney for a week, and it's in his absense that I'm realizing just how much I appreciate him. Already there's been a couple of things which I wanted to walk into his room and get the male perspective on...

HA!

I just got a text message from him asking me a question about what we were chatting about last night, he said that he needed the female perspective. Craziness!!

But yeah I guess the point that I'm getting to is that I don't want to take anyone for granted, I mean Wae Jaes only going to be gone for a week, but he doesn't know whether he'll stay here in Australia or head back to Malaysia. He's been talking about it all for a while, and I guess it's starting to hit home that if he does go somewhere else, I'm gonna miss him SO much! He's not just my friend, but he's become like a brother, he's like family and I love him so much!



So you oh faithful reader, don't take anyone for granted, use the time you have to tell them how much you love them and need them in your day. It's such an amazing thing to have the honour of being able to share life with such incredible people.
Thankyou for your friendship and your love, I appreciate you so sincerely.

Your sister always
Jess xoxo

Update...

Prac was definitely interesting. Well when I'm perdfectly honest, prac broke my heart.
There were so many children within that classroom that were just so broken, so shattered with life; divorce, domestic abuse, custody battles; had all taken their tole on this little stars. In a way, as I would watch these kids, when I had the opportunity to chat with them in the relaxed setting of the lunch seats it made me feel as though they'd almost had their innocence stolen from them. These were 8 year olds who had been forced to take their 4 year old sister to the car where they would sleep because dad was hitting mummy again; who weren't allowed to see dad anymore because he had tried to steal them from mummy; who often didn't bring lunch because their just wasn't enough food in the house that day.
More than anything else in this world I want to teach. I loved these kids that I had the honour of sharing 6 weeks with.
Yes it was tough, yes I still have so much to learn in order to be the best teacher I can be - but I wan't to be the best I can be, I want to try and make a difference in these kids lives, more than anything I want these kids to have the opportunity to just be kids.
So many of them had been forced by their homelives to become 'little-adults' and it broke my heart, when more than anything they just wanted to know the care-free spirit of a child.

The world has changed alot from when I was a kid - there are so many broken children, who grow up into rebellious teenagers and angry adults because the world has cheated them.

more than anything I just want to love them - if I can only change their days for those 6 hours they're at school, thats enough, thats something...
...
....but wow! did I love those kids, I cried on the last day as all the girls gave me tight cuddles, and the boys (little dudes) lingered near by not sure whether they were too cool for a hug. Till I bent down and said with a wink "I know guys hate this, but I reckon I could do with a hug, coz I'll miss you alot" They we're willing, and secretly I think they enjoyed it ;)

I saw one of the little guys, Koye , at vacation care and man-oh-man. My heart was huge! I was wearing the biggest grin when I saw him, and I remember thinking at the time 'if I had kids of my own this is what it would feel like'
it was one of 'my kids', well at least they felt like my own, and I just loved every one of them sooo sooo much.

I looking to head back and help out on the class at the end of this term, because I'm missing them so much.

All I can say is that God is so faithful and so good. I met with him each afternoon of prac. And he gave me rest, he filled me with strength and helped me step into each day with his power. It wasn't easy at the start of prac, but God was there and he saw me right through to the end.
He was my rock!
and I would have been a mess without him with me.

'Thankyou-for your faithfulness daddy, which sustains me each and every day.'

Long time no blog

So it's been quite a while since I've blogged, and alot has happened, alot of stretching ang growing and challenging has been taking place. Too much to go into too much detail right now. But I've been learning so very very much. Over the next few entries I hope to share with you some of the things that have been going on in Jezika's world.
I hope that I won't bore you, and I hope that I can be as honest about everything as possible.
But to give you a bit of an Update;

I finished prac, it was tough, alot of hurting kids there, and it broke my heart, it was hard work, really challenged me, but every kid was absoultely beautiful and I loved 'em to bits. It was sad to say goodbye.

A close family freinds of ours Lauchlan March, at the age of 22 died. It was devastating, absolutely heartbreaking. But he loved his God and he served him faithfully, and so in my heart I know that we will meet again.

I've been learning incredible things about Gods grace and faithfulness

I celebrated my 21st Birthday in fine style, with a return to childhood party, complete with kiddy party food and kiddy party games and music. I don't think it could have been better, musical chairs was an absolute riot and everyone made an effort with the costumes. We had school kids, Tigger, Nipper lifesavers, Barbie, Mr Squiggle, Imaginary friends, superhero's....absolute Gold! what a way to celebrate!

Seems it's my fave day of the week.

Had an awesome sunday, as I always seem to do of late.

Went to the 10am service at church, we had a guest speaker from just down the road at Glen Innes. WOW! great stuff, speaking about the fear of God, cleared up a few of my confusions.
After the service I went and grabbed a cuppa with the girls, gave out a few invites to Kate and my 21st, then we had another Electrolight conference meeting, and Damn! is the holy spirit awesome or what. Kez, who's also on the creative design team pulled out her sketching pad to share a few idea's she'd been having, I grabbed mine too and as we flicked our way through them all, everyone started humming with excitement. Mick turned to one of the pages in each of our pads and sat them side by side as Davo let out a "YOUR JOKING" we'd both sketched practically the same image, it was unreal!
so yeah, there's definite head-way going on at the moment, it's exciting, it'll be sad to leave for a good six weeks while I'm on my next teaching prac.
After the meeting I organised to meet up with the girls for an early dinner, late lunch at Tess's place before we headed to the night service at church. As I walked along texting Laura to let her know I was on my way, I looked up to see Nick pointing straight at me with this huge grin on his face "Whaaa" I mumbled
"The note Jess, thanks for the note, it was really cool"
As I was trecking my way back down the hill last thursday I'd spotted Nicks car in the carpark (It's pretty hard to miss) I'd previously Nick-named it the "Happy Car" due to it's bright yellow colour, but seeing it reminded me to pray about his whole work situation, so I grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled him a quick not which I left under his windshield wiper
"Hey Nicko!
Saw your beast parked here and it gave me a kick!
"The Happy Car" - reminded me to pray for ya!
Have an awesome day brother
Jess :)"

Got a bit of a run-down, and Nicks managed to score an interview with the company he really wanted, so thats awesome news! I'll keep praying

So I headed to dinch (dinner/lunch) with the girls, and we chatted and acted like fools, which was unreal then headed over the 6pm service at church...The place was absolutely buzzing, which was unreal! everyone was so pumped so the whole mob of us were moshing about - Felicity was up singing with the Band - So proud, she was nervous, but beautiful!
stayed after the service for Cafe`, chatted and hung out with the gang...
Great great times.
Had a full car when I left, headed all over armidale dropping people home...fantastic!
Had a good ol' chat to Fless afterwards...always one of my favourite times...

So this week...3 assignments to finish, travelling home on saturday...
coming to the realization that I'm going to miss arkidale SOOO much while I'm gone (Never thought I'd feel that way)

Thanks Lord, for knowing how much I would love being here, long before I could even see the light :D

Thanks to Bec-star...now I'm hooked on Quizzes

stupid quizzes didn't work...but...er....yes, I am hooked

"Teddy Scare"

We're making a movie!

Wae-jae, Bec and Myself are having a crack at it and today we started shooting our first scenes literally 5 minutes ago. The quality is going to be dodge, but oh man, just coming up with the idea's has had us all in stitches.

The basic plot; Bec was delivered a giant Teddy bear (I mean seriously this thing is big, it comes up to about my hips) - we grabbed Luke to play the delivery man - the note which accompanied it said it was from a secret admirer. The next few scenes involve Bec introducing me to the teddy, the pair of us loving it to bits - shots of us doing all sorts of Jazz with 'Teddy' - eating dinner, playing computer, going for a walk, sleeping, watching T.V. The plan is to change clothes in every shot as well as have little titles 1 week later...basically Teddy has become a huge part of our lives and we love him to bits.
Then we get a new flatmate Wae-Jae, immediately wae-jae dislikes Teddy and thinks theres something unsettling about him. One night over dinner Wae-Jae confesses his dislike.
weird stuff starts to happen, I won't go into to much detail coz it's going to be something which you've gotta see :P perhaps if your kind I'll get you a copy.
So anywhoo basically the teddies alive, and the only thing it says is "Hooooney" in this real scratchy creepy voice. But the only one who ever see's it moving or hears it is Wae-Jae, the rest of us think he's nuts.
I don't want to give away the ending but it involves a honey sandwich, a plastic axe, tomato sauce, a mobile phone, an enraged Teddy and a terrible stink.

Man we're having the best time. I'll definitely fill you in, I have this feeling that my bro Matt is going to love it!

....
On a completely unrelated note I saw Becs car today while I was at Uni, so I wrote her a quick note and pinned it under her windscreen wipers, then on the same stretch I saw Nicks car which I've nick-named the "happy Car" coz it's got this shape which I thinks quite funny and it's bright bright yellow...seeing the car actually reminded me to pray about his whole Job situation, so I scribbled another quick note and left it on his windscreen...
Bec came back and said that I'd freaked her out because she'd seen the note and thought that she'd gotten a parking ticket (Yaaaaaay for me!! hoping Nick had the same heart-attack :P)

Pretty good day today, can't complain can't complain - Bec and I have decided to grab dinner tonight - pizza perhaps, in celebration of our interviews which went well - our 4 week teaching programs have been approved! YAY!

Got a message today from the beautiful Rea, She's living in Virginia in America as a nanny thingy-majig, she's awesome, easily one of my greatest friends in the whole world. I was sort of having a bit of a blue moment and then she sent it, instantly brought a smile to my face - she always had a knack for being able to do that. Rea your fantastic! a great friend who I'm blessed unbelievably to have - I love you!

Relational Drama's

As i promised here I am again...In order for the sunday night convo to make sense, I feel it appropriate to provide some background information.

About a month ago, Fless, Tess and I met for Coffee in a little Armidale Cafe`, we arrived at about 4pm and left no sooner than 9pm that evening. We talked, the 3 of us really really chatted about just about anything and everything. The big topic of the time was in fact Nick - yes the same Nick which I have spoken of in past posts. It seems that I was not alone in my initial fascinations of the man. Tess and Fless shared their own affections towards him, which if anything, was interesting.

I'm not a fan of competition, and if anything the revelations made me feel as though I was in primary school, so I sort of vowed that I would 'get over it' and forget about the whole Nick thing, I've been a kid once I don't want to be that again.

I've picked up that Tess isn't altogether sure of herself, of late I've sensed an almost clingy mentality which I find slightly suffocating. As Felicity and I chatted over Coffee at Cafe` we both expressed our fear that we were perhaps become too Cliquey - something which we both see incredibly eye-to-eye on, to put it simply, we don't want to be that! So we decided to spread out on sunday night and chat and sit with other people and do some timely mingling, which was some of the best fun I've had in a long time, Fless agreed, however Tess didn't think so, she actually got a little cranky because we did it, I fear that she may have thought that we were seperating in order to get away from her, Fless and I tried to explain that we weren't doing anything of the sort, rather we were preventing anyone else from thinking that we were trying to 'get away from' them.

The church body is so important, and I want to know each member, and the only way to do that is to make the time to. Sure there are going to be people who you know or get along with better than others, but that doesn't mean that it should by any means become something exclusive.

So anyway,as I stated in other posts Im dealing with the whole Nick thing, and I think I'm doing remarkably well (If I do say so myself) Basically the standing I've come to is that while I'm not persuing a dating relationship with the guy, I am keen to build a friendship - thus is the reason for some drama on sunday night.

As I sat in Fless's college room I was able to really chat about everything which was going on, it was great to be able to have a good vent about it.

When it came down to it, the only real drama was that Tess is pretty much convinced that she is in love with Nick, meaning that any attempt I, or fless make to be friends with the bloke is read, in Tess's eyes, as us 'having a crack' - incredibly frustrating and in my opinion... immature.
Fless is such a support, she said to me "Jess, you know your heart, you know your intentions, and I believe you when you say that your only seeking friendship with Nick. Believe me when I say that you should not have to worry about how Tess is viewing your conversations with this guy, or your interactions with him. If she goes into a jealous rage about it, well thats her problem...granted we're called to not bring one another to anger, but your by no means doing anything which is out of line, cruel or malicious. Just keep being you Jess, who knows, you may very well end up with Nick and if that were to happen I'd like to think that each of su would be able to deal with that maturely with our friendshisps still in tact - I mean who knows, maybe Tess and Nick will end up married in a couple of years - what I'm saying is we don't know where any of this will end up, but at the end of the day the only thing that is important is that you stay true to who you are,stay true to your God and Tess is going to have to deal with her emotions and her intentions, you can't do that for her, just keep being a friend...keep doing what your good at"

Truth be told Fless explained that the same sort of thing had been happening to her, apparantly Tess was under the impression that Fless was deliberately trying to embarrass her in front of Nick. I was glad that I had been there the whole night as I was able to put Fless at ease, that in my opinion she had done nothing which could be viewed as relational sabotage.

After a good chat, we decided to pray that God would intervene and prevent this from turning into something it really shouldn't be. I was getting images of broken friendships because everyone wanted Nick. It's ridiculous!

Fless and I decided that God isn't a cruel little man sitting in the clouds with a big club just waiting for the chance to mess us up. We prayed for Tess, we prayed for each of us, for a clearing of the emotions that we wouldn't ruled by them, but rather that God would aid us in applying wisdom to each and every situation.

Let me just say that I felt a lot of peace over the situation.
I sort of regretted ever telling the girls about my past feelings for Nick, because I wondered if I hadn't would it have come to this?
Ah well, I'mm glad that we're nipping it in the butt early.
Everythings going to be cool, as Fless said, Tess is still a fairly young Christian she's still learning alot, and we ourselves still have so much to learn...pray that God would use this to grow us, and teach us whatever it is we're meant to learn.

Praise God ! he is faithful, he is pretty darn great!

Yeah!! lets get some happy claps going... :p

Sunday happenings...

It seems that I've discovered an incredible buddy in Felicity.

Sunday night I headed over to Fless's (<---I'll explain felicity's nick-name later) college room to chat about the evenings happenings, twas an interesting evening.

Sunday morning, I became the mother and got Wae-Jae's butt out of bed, in the car and warming a pew at Church. When Wae-jae first moved into the flat we couldn't believe that we both went to the same church yet had never met before, now I can believe it, as the likely-hood of actually running into the fella at church was slim, left to his own devices he probably only heads along once every couple of months. Great Preach by pastor davo! - really good stuff.
Wae-Jae left immediately after the sermon, claimed he was in the mood for a walk, I knew him better - he was going back to bed.

So I hung around, doing what I do every sunday afternoon, chatting my way around the Church Cafe`. Now I must say that I've been pleasantly suprised by Laura, I met this shy little petal last sunday night at Church - I'm normally quite introverted when I first meet people, however of late I've noticed my willingness to really force myself to be more out-going, more myself in order to make others feel welcomed. So thats what I did with Laura. She expressed a desire to come along to the UNE bible studies on Tuesday nights, so I offered her my mobile number and gave her the directions to my flat so that we could meet there, then head over to the study together - thought it would be more comfortable walking in with someone you vaguely know, rather than entering a room full of strangers.

So after all that babbling I'll get back on track - I had to head along to the "Electrolight Team meeting" but I organised to meet Laura for Lunch straight after.

The team meeting was fun - didn't realize there was free Pizza involved, nice surprise. We embraced the opportunity for happy-clap moments, in-fact every time a member of the team entered of left the room a cheer went up, good laugh. We got more direction which was great, sorted through some stuff, basically just people establishing what area of the event they want to be focused on. Kez was talking about me being the leader of the Creative design team "Your the Arty one Jess, you'll be great, we'll be your faithful little lemmings, just show us the way" - little iffy, but it was definitely exciting, we'll see though.

Met Laura at the Court House - was in a great mood because I was able to get an awesome park due to the lack of parking restrictions on sundays (God bless the sabath!) we headed down to Macca's where I was sneezed on by a young kid from Church. I met little Joseph that morning, he's 3 and adorable and as he was chasing my shoes, he let out a rip-snorter of a sneeze which covered my legs...ahhh, children eh! surprisinly my gross metre must be malfunctioning because I just laughed hysterically instead. Laura later held up her straw, thinking it was completely empty and blew, managing to spray me with fushia pink slushy...ahhh, obviously the day for it!.

After a couple of hours at Macca's (the only place open on a sunday arvo) I dropped Laura home, singing along to the vegi-tales tape the whole way.

Headed back to the flat with Asia, had enough time to freshen up a little before heading back to Church for the 6 o'clock service.

I sat on my own, and can I just say I loved it so much - no distractions, just me and my God.

After the service while people headed off to the cafe` down the other end of the church, the band headed back up and were playing some mosh-worthy numbers, so we hung around. Tess and Felicity suddenly appeared beside me and we had a bit of a chat (they'd headed to Tamworth for the day) Tess, Jess and Felicity ---- > thus why Felicity became Fless, (Tess, Jess and Fless ;) )

I wanted to Mosh, Fless indulged me and we headed up with the mob of 'em, Nick was leading, thus why Tess wouldn't mosh, but I'll explain all that later, In fact I'll post again in a minute to explain the whole situation, as it'll take a good deal in order to explain properly. I figured that most things I do I either look like a moron or spaz so why fight it, embrace the unc and have a blast - thus I moshed and Fless and I had a good little laugh-a-puff session ;)

We headed out to Cafe` once the music stopped for the night, where I managed to somewhat embarrass Nick (Yessssss! for meee ) He had a hair hanging from his beard and while he was chatting to me I was just watching that hair swing from side to side, untill I couldn't stand it any longer so I reached out and grabbed it - Nick freaked out thinking that he had Naco's caught up in his beard, needless to say he was relieved that it was just a hair, made me laugh though when he commented "So THATS what you were looking at, I'll admit that you were making me a little nervous when you wouldn't break the stare you had going with my beard". Hung around, had a blast left at about 11pm, Dropped Fless home and while chatting in the car decided to head into the warmth of her room in order to continue the convo...and deal with the issues of the night. So to leave you oh avid reader in a suspence of sorts, I shall post the conversation of the night in my next entry.

Magic...

Today it was raining....more than that it was absolutely pouring down...

LOVE IT!!

Wae-jae asked for a lift down the street since it was raining and I was bored I took the boy for a drive, then found a parking spot furthest from the shopping centre so we could walk for a good way in the rain. Call me a freak, yes, yes I am
Wae-jae of course complained the whole way as we trecked it in the rain, but man, I had the absolute best time I was jumping in the puddles all the way there, hitting them at just the right angle that it sent the water splashing all over Wae-Jae...eventually he stopped whinging and started splashing me back, Mad fun! should of seen us as we entered K-Mart absolutely soaking wet - Drowned Rats! :)

Came back, had a shower, dried off and got into my Jim-Jams then wrapped myself up in a big doona and watched video's.

OH, then I had the incredible fun of taking Wae-Jae through a complete facial...we're talking scrub, cleanser, mud mask, toner and moisturiser...he was an excellent student :P let me have my girly moment...he was cracking me up coz he was so interested in learning all the tricks of the trade.

Later that night I headed over to Tess's place, where we had ice-cream with all the Jazz, then headed over to Youth Group, Matt Andronica's was talking about Evolution, I love this blokes brain...and I grew to love it even more tonight, he's not only supa smart but he's one of the most effective communicators I've ever met. So Yes Yes, we were the creepy old people hanging out with the youngen's reminiscing about the good old days...Wae-jae Whinged the whole time (You may be beginning to notice just how much this boy spends complaining ;) ) But they started doing the hokey-pokey, and you'd better believe I was in there!! I didn't care how old I was!
OOOOOOOOOh the hokey-pokey! some things always stay good...

I dropped Wae Jae back at the flat, then Tess and I headed over to her place for a video, afterwards we had a really great Chat, about God's working in our lives, the miracles the revelations, it was really really wonderful.

I had to park my car down the road, which meant that when I came out at 1am it was well and truely dark, and the chill was so heavy in the air I was freezing, and terrified when I'm completely honest.
The area isn't known for being real safe, so I was really scared, as I walked down the road, my gut clenched so tightly, praying and reciting the verse "For God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of POWER and of Love and of a SOUND MIND". I gripped my keys tightly in my hand holding them between my fingers as Matt had shown me incase someone did 'have a go' I was praying in tongues as I fumbled with the Lock and finally got the door open, sat down and immediately locked the door beside me. The windscreen was iced over, I managed to squirt enough water form the wipers to get a little circle of clear windscreen, I drove the whole way home, with incredibly impressive posture as I peeked through this little circle of clear windscreen, praying, praying that God would get me back ok.

I arrived safely, as I stepped out of the car and began to walk across the grass, I was just blown away by the beauty which surrounded me, there was soft ice everywhere lightly coating the grass and with the small amount of light which reflected it, everywhere around me it sparkled and shimmered, it was as though glitter had been sprinkled upon everything. As I took a deep breath in (and managed to get a brain freeze) I looked up at the sky - it was a perfect night, stars sprinkling, so clear...absolutely beautiful.

I managed to get into my room, fell to my knee's and just wept and whispered prayers of thanks, I had been so scared in that street, moved on to worried as I navigated my way home through the frosted windscreen, and finally ended with absolute awe as I was to behold the beautiful wooing God had left for me upon the lawn of my flat.

God truely is a wonderful wonderful lover, he blows my mind and I am so grateful that he loves me, truely truely loves me.

Change in the diet...

I've been a vegetarian for the last 5 years. An ova-lacto's vegetarian to be even more correct, which meant that I didn't eat red or white meat, but still scoffed on eggs and dairy.

However, it appears that things are changing. For a while now I've been feeling incredibly exhausted, more tired than I ever have before which I thought was strange since this is the healthiest that I've been in yonks - exercising regularly - no junky food - just fruit and vegies - plenty of water - plenty of sleep (in fact I've been taking naps which I've never done because I've been so tired) but I was still feeling just totally knackered.

So I headed to the medical centre and it seems my iron is low - really low. Explained my situation to the Doc and it seems that my body just isn't absorbing the iron from my other foods and so meat is the only way to go.

Call me a sook, call me whatever, but Thursday night as I prayed and read my bible for encouragement I had a good cry about it all. I've realized that when it comes to change I'm not always the best...I'm not terrible either, once I've gone through with something then I'm just fine and dandy, it's just making myself take that initial step.

So I ate some chicken nuggets, 30% work myself up to the heavier stuff and so far so good - no nights spend on the loo thinking I'm going to die.

Feeling a little vulnerable right now - and then Bec sent me this text message; (She's not a christian, but I asked her to pray for me) "I haven't prayed in a long time so I dunno what things r like between me n god at the moment, but I'll give it a shot coz I love u so much, n ur so important 2 me"
Stareted the waterworks off again but allowed me the opportunity to really pray into Bec's life. It's actually a really exciting time with the opportunities I've had to chat to Bec about God and his love has been awesome.
God is Good...
Your prayers would be wonderful right now - that I won't get sick and that I won't feel terribly guilty. I've been praying about it all and I genuinely feel a peace about eating meat. I think that I've discovered the balance and it came during some prayer, "Jess, you can eat meat, still love animals and continue to condemn animal cruelty..."

I'll be fine...

Joining the Team...

Chatted to Kez on sunday about the "Electrolight Youth Conference" which is due to run for the 2nd year early next febuary. They've been looking for arty-farties in order to make up a design team. When I chatted to Kezza she was so excited and granted I was already pretty stoked with the opportunity to really put myself into such an awesome project.
We spent a good part of the afternoon chatting about the direction which the conference wants to take this coming year and what they're hoping to do. Kez is a bit of an arty too, so we were throwing around ideas about what we could have going on over the course of the weekend. Man I was so excited, really got the creative juices flowing. As part of the creative design team we're in charge of the lighting, the flyers and pamphlets, as well as all the decrorative aspects of the event which included the big background canvas designs.
The theme is "Purpose" and draws heavily from Jeremiah, you know the verse "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you..." just tossing idea's around with Kez and the concepts of huge canvases with developing bubs and those words across them, as well as statements such as "Leave your mark - change YOUR world" with images of hand and foot-prints.
We have a team meeting scheduled for sunday afternoon, wo it'll be cool to get together and have a chat about what everyons been dreaming up and the area's they would like to persue.
I'll grab a link to the conference web site as soon as I can find it, so you can take a squiz and get an idea what it's ll about. The conference is still only a baby, with last year being the first year it was run, so we have great expectations, and there's an awesome excitement around everyone involved, the gigs been initiated, it's like a fine wine, we're hoping it'll get better and better with age. We're still learning alot, it's an incredibly exciting time.

The link I promised

Personality

You are dependable, popular, and observant. Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness. In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do. You are unique, creative, and expressive. You don't mind waving your freak flag every once and a while. And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming!

The World's Shortest Personality Test

I knabbed the link to this personality test from Bec-star, not convinced that your personality can simply be determined by one click of the mouse on a piccie, but I definitely had to agree with at least some of it, definitely the emotions ruling a lot of what I do...made me think though, is it a weakness that I am so susceptable to the ruling of emotions? I don't believe that I always act on the shovings of emotions, however they often make me stop, think and ponder.

My Lover...

I'm reading a new book...

"Captivating" By John and Stasi Eldridge, Maybe you've heard of it, maybe you haven't. About a year ago I read the book by John Eldridge entitled "Wild at Heart: Discovering the secrets of a mans soul" and I thought it was unreal. Granted I'm not a male but it was definitely worth reading up on what the other half are pondering. I passed the book on to my brother who mumbled a quick thanks and tossed it on the bed beside him, however just last night I received a phonecall from Matty so that he could thank me for passing it on (call it female tuition but I knew he'd like it)
"Wild at Heart" contained one chapter in which it looked at females and as I read it I remember thinking "I wish they had a female version of this..."

So like an answer to that statement, out came "Captivating; unveiling the mysteries of a womans soul".

Last night I cried harder than I can remember crying in a long time, as I read the chapter on 'healing the wound' I realized that for so long I had pushed down the things in my past which had hurt me, the lies which I had held onto for so long. I realized that I had maintained a spirit of rejection in my life, from childhood, from my relationship break-up and the lst goes on...these lies had affected the way I viewed myself, had left me feeling not good enough, not worthy and definitely not beautiful, not captivating my any means.
What really got me though was as I read on, and they spoke of Christ as not only a saviour, a brother...but as a lover.
...
I've sung the songs, I've heard it said but I don't think that I have ever really, I mean REALLY taken the time to discover and love and know Christ as a lover. The book urged me to consider the scenes from movies, Jack and Rose on the Bow of the Titanic, his arms around her waist, their first kiss. Imagine your favourite, your most romantic. Then I was to replace the originals with Christ and myself. The very first thing I thought was "Is that okay? Am I supposed to think of Christ that way?" and to be perfectly honest to begin with it actually made me feel a little awkward, but as time went on I began to realize, that all this time, all these years I have been persued, I am being wooed by the creator of the Universe. Not only does Christ love me, but he looooooooves me. He may not be a chocolates and bunch-of-flowers kinda guy. But he is a lavish lover, his gifts are incredible and he gives them freely and often.

I have already admitted my deep hearted desire to be loved, to be desired, to be persued, and while I had always know that God loved me, I had never really thought it possible that he could make me feel the way a lover does, that glow, that warm fuzzy feeling of knowing that another thinks your beautiful, that knowing that you are persued and desperately craved. As I have begun to seek my God in the same way, love him with the same passion, discover him in the way that two would at the beginning of a relationship...I have been changed, I can feel it right down to my core. I am finally beginning to understand the things which I have read for so long in Gods word. That with Christ as my love for me to choose sin in my life, is to be an adultress, to cheat on the one who I have chosen.
Man I can't even express the joy in my heart, I recognise this feeling, I recognise this peace, of feeling so beautiful simply because I know that I am loved, that I am desired.
...
What really blew my mind, was just how much Christ also desires to be persued by us, to be loved so deeply, so passionately...that not only does he occupy a beautiful place in our heart which is his and his alone, but we hold a sacred place within his which is only able to be filled by us, and us alone...thats mind-blowing...we affect Christ, we have an impact - We are both changed by love, and once linked together we are made whole.

I can't express this anywhere near close to the way I wish I could. I'm in love, and I want the whole world to know it! sure life is still going to be life, things won't always go right, there's still the mundane, the boring, the painful...but...I'm in love, I'm in love and with this love I'm going to make it through.

Oh, I've done it again - placed my heart in uncapable hands...

What wonderful revelations come through nothing less than the grace of God.
Granted, I really haven't been giving God the place he deserves. I could begin to list off the millions of reasons(excuses) why I've been distracted - prac, Uni...whatever- but when it comes down to it, I mean really comes down to it, there is no excuse, EVER! Full stop.
What really gets me though, is that Christ would continue to reveal mysteries even when I don't deserve them.
My revelation came tonight, as I walked in my bedroom door at 11pm. As I mentioned earlier, I was joining the bible study which contained Nick, whom I had been wrestling somewhat in terms of my feelings towards him. Tonight saw a breakthrough of sorts, the revelation of the evening was spread over two phases of the night, the bible study, and mischief afterwards.
I realized just how much I truely admire Nick as a man of God - I mean seriously he blows me away sometimes and for that reason (I'll be the first to admit) that makes him incredibly appealing - I respect him greatly.
It was after the bible study that the revelation really took hold as Wae-Jae and I tried to position a rotting orange on Aarons windowsill (on the 2nd floor flat) while scaling the drain pipe. The whole scene was hilarious ~ as there was only room for one person at a time, I tried first only to establish that I was too short - Wae-Jae being 2 inches taller than me, but possessing an ego which had him convinced that he was at least 6 feet tall - had a crack next. I stood egging him on, laughing hysterically as he repeatedly whacked his head on the downstairs window (mind-you we had no idea who lived in that room) causing a little movement of the curtain from the inside. On about the 3rd whack, the curtain flew open as Wae-Jae and I bolted up our only escape, a steep grassy incline. In the chaos we managed to whack heads - his glasses cutting my forehead. The hilarity however was too much and we decided to abandon the attempt for now, however we both vowed to retrn with a can of shaving cream and the video camera another night.

I guess your wondering where the revelation is.
So here goes...
I have never experienced that sort of hilarity with Nick, and I can't be sure that I ever will. I guess that the point is while, yes I do desire a passionate, on-fire-for-God bloke, I also desire a friend, a partner in mischief. Perhaps Nick has those qualities, and maybe the combination isn't right for that to happen between us, at least. The fact is that right now I just don't know, so basically the conclusion I've come to, for now, is this; Why spend my time pining over someone when I don't even know if they can be the things which I need/want and even more importantly somone who I can't eve be sure that I'm capable of offering the things which they need/want.

It's actually a kind of strange relief because when I really started to write this down, I realized that I've held onto thee things, these feelings for such a long time, that I'm beginning to realize that perhaps I had locked my emotions towards Nick because he was the only one at this point, whom I can see as a tangiable match, yes he does have many a characteristic which I find incredibly attractive, but theres more to it than simply 'the maths adding up' it's about a communion of personalities and at this point in time I really haven't found that with Nick.

I guess it's about trusting God, and believing that It's not something I have to really stress about.
In ths spirit of honesty, which i hope that this blog remains to be. I do crave companionship, which is what makes this so dangerous, attaching emotions to the wrong people because I simply, desire to be loved, to be wanted, to be desired by another. I do believe that I will find genuine and sincere communion with another, I just need to remain faithful to the call God has placed on my life.

The big issue is that I don't want to ignore missing links with Nick, because I admire him incredibly, because he appears to be the only option right now. That probably sounds really terrible and derogatory towards him, but please do not let my words erode his richness, his worth. He is still an incredible person whom I do hope to be able to to claim as a friend in time.
However, for now I do believe that I have been able to establish exactly what he means to me. I wrongly invested my emotions and confused my own feelings - After all it is very possible to admire another greatly without being 'in love' with them - I do love my brother.

...

But I am ready now daddy, really ready(finally) to be patient, to be really patient and wait. Help me to understand that I don't require a 'crush' in order to feel feminine. Please please let me be able to use my lesson and grow from it. Thankyou for your revelations, it's time I spent more of my heart persuing you and loving you more and more, rather than thrusting it towards others whose hands are uncapable of taking hold of my heart. Fill my eyes with vision, so that I see only you, and teach e in your ways...my sacred, my darling.

...

University Days...

Back at Uni today...
headed to church last night and found out that I've been booted from the girlies bible study group. Nah not really.
The bible studies starting a new course, I've already missed the first week, and I'm going to miss another 4 weeks of the course in a month due to my 2nd half of prac. So chatting to Nicole I've basically decided that I really wouldn't get out of the course all there is if I'm missing bits all over the place, which means I'll do it next year when I can really apply myself to it without month long absences.
So what does this mean? this means that I need to find another bible study, Tuesday being the best day of the week in terms of time. And the only other bible study that day of the week is the Uni student sudy, which sounds perfect...
But heres the catch, it's been the bible study I've sort of been avoiding. Why? Because Nick runs it.

As far as I'm concerned this whole Nick situation is ridiculous. He's an awesome guy, but I'd prayed about the whole thing, realized that the crush was pathetic and decided that the whole thing was moronic and left it.
I actually chatted to Nick on Sunday for quite an extended period of time about all the stuff I'd been up to since I'd been gone and whats going on with him now that he's finished uni.
Funny thing was that after having a good chat to him I'm actually confident that I can handle sharing a bible study with the boy...
Interesting, so I'll leave you for now, I have bec nagging me "coz I'm wasting away Jeeeess..." so we're off to get food for the week.

Chat soon, I'll be less mechanical and share a bit more about whats going on in my head.
to horrendously use a overused quote...

"I'LL BE BACK!!"

Conceited, Cynical, Optimist?

Every so often I get into moods like this, where people just irritate me.

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I can be a stubborn-ass and I'm like that in a lot of area's of my life. It pretty much was birthed in my parents attitudes to everything while we were kids. If we started anything, whether it be Tennis, Ballet, music lessons, whatever it was whether we decided that we enjoyed it or not, we were never allowed to just quit. We were expected to 'see out' the year and then if we didn't want to do it anymore we would drop it. We could give it up, at a time when we wouldn't be letting anyone down (after the end of year dance-concerts, Eistedford, Tennis championships, etc.)
At the time I really didn't appreciate what my parents were teaching me, but in retrospect ( as everything is always clearer in retrospect) I realize the value of the lesson, and I stay true to it, out of my own choice and will now also.
Yes I tend to be more cynical, but would it be considered an oxymoron to say that I also generally give people the benefit of the doubt and try to see the best in them...would it be horrendously grammaticaly incorrect to refer to myself as being a cynical optimist?

ah well, this is my blog, my thoughts, I can class myself as whatever I see fit.
Over the last year in particular, as I've grown more than ever before, I feel that I'm a lot less naive than I once was.
I've also grown to realize that often I do not believe that people give me the credit which is due. perhaps this post will come across as an arrogant, conceited rant. My hope is that it doesn't, rather that people may get another snap-shot into the scrapbook of my mind.

In my life I've been the joker, My dad is of course the king of this(he's a self confessed "8") and I am but his faithful apprentice. Dad has often said that I'm the only one he knows who can bring mum out of the grumps so well.
Very few people know me as well as my family knows me, very few ever will, and even less will ever try.
That is the reason for my irritation with people of late. I guess that I'm not the same person I used to be, I'm sure that you've become irritated with my repetition of my desire for transparancy with others. But I find myself unsatisfied with shallow, mere aquaintance friendships (as I refer to them) I find myself frustrated by friendships which rarely, without heavy pushing, delve into the deeper issues, I want to KNOW people, not just be able to recognize them in a crowd.
Man, when I want to I can talk, and if you'll let me I'll have a mighty fine crack at it. But on the flip side, I'm also a listener, I like to help others sort through issues, share concerns and just allow me to be trusted with the tales of their lives.

Perhaps it is my silly side, perhaps I myself have not always been transparent with others, and thus is the reason for my current displeasure with people, and their lack of care for my world.

Perhaps I am conceited and just groping for attention, validation...
Perhaps I've become a cynical old woman long before my due date...

Whatever it is, I just wish that people would be what they say, say what they are and stop pussy-footing around things and just tell it like it is.

I'm trying to be honest with my life, I'm trying to share with people parts of myself...but the sad fact is, that too often already I've trusted those parts with people who really didn't give a crap, and their lack of care has left those area's of me feeling worthless...because they treated them as though they were nothing.

I know I'm not worthless, I know that those parts of me want to be heard, I hope that theres someone who needs to hear them.

But alas for now, I do find company in solitude (I'm full of the oxymorons this evening it seems) pondering my thoughts, sharing them in my journal, and when I irritate even myself, ...well I pray then sleep...let my subconcious take over for a while.

In fact I think I'm starting to irritate myself right now (at which point I must surely have irritated you, the reader of this, already) so I will go...Pray then sleep... It's time the subconcious got a word in.

Focus people...focus!

So I'm still home here in Forster.
2 weeks of Teaching Prac + 2 weeks of working at Vaccation Care= 1 week of lazing around the house like a slob untill I head back to Uni, starting from tomorrow.
However, today being Sunday meant that I headed to My parents Church. And it was one of those mornings, when getting out of Bed seems like an exhausting task.
I've been a bit stressed lately, just with everything thats going on, so now that I've reached relaxation mode, the flu (which I've managed to keep at arms length for the last 2 months) is starting to raise it's ugly head --->But I am NOT going to get sick, I'm cramming in the oranges (Haven't tried the guiness yet ;) ) When i woke this morning my throat was killing and for a moment I thought my voice was gone, the old shnozza was well and truely blocked and to finish it off, only being able to claim 4 hours sleep didn't help the situation.
So when I first stirred I was tossing up whether I should go, or take the day off, sounds terrible doesn't it, needing to 'take off' church.
But going by experience, everytime I've not wanted to go to church, but ended up going anyway I've gotten something awesome out of it, and really been blessed because I went. So in the end I went, I'm convinced that when God has something awesome for me to hear, the devil will do whatever he can to stop me from hearing/ recieving it and the best place to start is by keeping me outta the way and in bed.
So I headed to Church, and just had a blast! man I get so stoked when I'm in worship, it's one of my fave places to be...

after the service I was chatting with Chris, now Chris and his wife Narelle have been at the Church since I was about 10, yet it's only been since I moved out of home and only come back for holidays that I've really gotten to know the bloke. But I love the chats we've shared, he's a funny bloke and really encouraging to talk to. He'd be in his late 30's but his life experience and help through my struggles and so on has been so wonderful.

So today while we were chatting he said something which just filled me with so much patience, so much strength.

"Jess don't ever settle for second best in a partner, God has someone out there for YOU!, don't ever sell yourself short and go with someone who isn't worthy of you...you'll find worthiness and contentment, just trust and know what your worth..."

just hearing those words from him lifted me incredibly...of late I've been feeling pretty unattractive and loserish, so it was nice to know that even us geeks deserve someone worthy.
It wasn't something I didn't already know, it just helped confirm to me that it's okay for me to not want to date just 'anyone' and keep focusing on other things and not get distracted with the whole Boyfriend dealio...

...

Man, just while I was typing up this post, I had a conversation with a friend on MSN...and within the time frame of about 5 minutes I got to the point where I wanted to slap the bloke...

it wasn't so much him in himself, rather it is some of the people around me...

I have seen people, pumped for God and doing crazy-cool stuff...then a possible love opportunity has come along and they've changed, their focus has shifted and suddenly they're not coming to the bible studies anymore because they'd rather spend time with that certain 'other'. They only come to church if the 'other' is going to be there, and when they do attend together so much of the time is spent canoodling. They ring me because they want to read their bible but claim "I just don't have the time now that I'm dating ______, because we have to do stuff together..."

and it gives me the craps big time. I mean seriously if you want to read the bible that much you can MAKE the time...heck why don't you read the bible together?!!

I've now shifted into cynical mode, in the space of like, 10 minutes.

I just think it's so stupid, and it irritates me so much. Is being in a relationship THAT important that your willing to abandon your 'first Love'?
I'm so over it all, in fact I've reached the point where I don't even want the possibility of a relationship right now...that'll probably change in time. I don't belive that all relationships are going to distract you, in fact I believe that if it's God-centred then if anything, it's gonna want/love/need God even more so.

I guess the point I'm at now, is that I don't even want to risk it. I want my focus to be clear, I don't want God shaken from the top position in my life...Only once I've become more settled in Christ (not completed) and I'm spiritually mature enough to deal with a relationship without compromising my walk with Christ...well... then I'll stop throwing those big rocks at the male population.
nah it's not the blokes that are the problem...it's where the focus lies, and thats no ones choice but my own.

I guess Chris's words are true for me...I don't want to settle for second best, and so I'm willing to grow and wait for somone who is going to strengthen, challenge and egg-me on for Christ, not someone who'll lag me back, hinder me or whatever...after all I couldn't bear the thought of doing that to someone else...

So I wait...sure my flesh gets lonely and wants that other now...but My spirit is SO content in waiting, because I know that whats at the end of it'll be worth it.

I'm feeling alot better now...just getting it out has cooled me down...starting to feel tired though...this what they can emotionally drained?

ah well, nothing a choc-caramel slice, a glass of milk and a good sleep won't fix.