Friday, March 14, 2008

The Journey has only just begun...




The Proverbs 31 woman...will she forever be the epitome of what every wife hopes to be? I read her story again about a week ago. I can't help but feel that if I keep her example close to the forefront of my thinking then it changes my attitude to nearly every aspect of my life.
I have one of the most patient husbands in existance, because I know that I've been a pain in the butt these last few months. It's funny the things you notice in retrospect, because at the time it was happening I don't think I ever wanted to ackowledge, let alone change it. My attitude sucked to be perfectly honest.
I wasn't getting work, and it made me feel like a housewife - cooking, cleaning and keeping up the house and I hated it! The feminist in me said that if I as a modern woman was doing that I was cheating myself. I felt unimportant and cranky because this wasn't the life I had envisioned when I married Tim. I think that it was almost an act of rebellion when I got slack around the house. It was almost as if I thought if I didn't actually do it then I wouldn't actually be a 'house wife'.
My wake-up call came when Timmy got home from work exhausted and then went over to the sink and started washing up. And he was still managing to do it cheerfully.
I looked at him with complete awe and it was in that moment that I saw myself, my attitude and my flaw...clearly.
Like everything I will ever face in this lifetime, it all fell back to my identity, the absolute core of who I am. I felt as though being a 'housewife' depleted my worth as a person, as though because I hadn't actually chosen it for myself it made me less.
What a horrible, hateful lie!!!
No I hadn't chosen this for myself yet, but for now this is where I'm at. Until I manage to get some more work this IS the life I have. Life doesn't stop, slow up and wait till it's everything we want it to be. It keeps plodding along, it keeps growing and changing and evolving and we have to work with what we've got while pushing it towards what we want it to be. There is a reason I am here right now, there are things God wants me to see, to learn and to change. My attitude is the big kicker. I need to take myself to a place where I can do the most mundane task cheerfully because of the song and the joy GOD has placed in my heart. If there is one thing I've learnt over the last few months, it's that on my own I'm not going to be able to get to a place where I can give myself that sort of joy.

13 A happy heart makes the face cheerful,
but heartache crushes the spirit.

14 The discerning heart seeks knowledge,
but the mouth of a fool feeds on folly.

15 All the days of the oppressed are wretched,
but the cheerful heart has a continual feast.
Proverbs 15.

Throughout all of this, I was picking at Tim. My identity felt jeapordised by the way life was playing out and while I did not even notice my own attitude, I would notice the smallest things in Tim and I would point them out to him.
As I lay in bed one night, in the dark I felt the Holy Spirit whisper;
"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in his eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?
I was flawed, and I wept. I saw what a massive fool I had been and I felt utterly idiotic. I hate waking Tim up, but I woke him that night and I shared with him everything which had been churning about and I shared the deepest and most sincere apology of my life.
He carries such an integrity and strength. Not only had be refused to allow my crappy attitude to affect his, but he had been praying for me for months, knowing that I would probably only get defensive if he tried to show me my error and instead asking God to show it to me when I was ready. Yet with all of Tims strength, when I shared with him my lesson and my apology I watched the soft tears which made their way down his cheeks.
I love this man.

I'm working on my attitude, and I find myself being able to endure the housework and being the 'housewife' if only for my fella's; My God and my husband - my 2 favourite boys ;)

That said, yesterday, during one of my cleaning frenzies I rediscovered one of my favourite books, 'Fight like a girl' By Lisa Bevere. I opened it up randomly and my eyes fell on page 99 - 'The Call of Tenderness' As I read I realised the folly of how I had been knitpicking Tim and I caught a better look at the kind of wife I wanted to be. I want to share with you a snippet from the source my enlightenment;

"...I want you to imagine a beautiful maiden extending a sword in the gesture if knighting a young man who kneels before her. He goes down a man and arises a knight. What interchange has just taken place? Why does the man kneel before her?
The woman has transferred something intangible to the young man bowed before her. He kneels because she embodies the very reason and hope for his pledge. He vows to protect all she represents with the edge of his sword and the strength of his might. If war peril, or great need were to arise, he would count his life forfeit if it meant protecting hers...

...I love this image. It conveys the power of feminine virtue and beauty to stir a man to a higher purpose. It is the gentle awakening the strong by bestowing glory.
He does not fear the sword when it is in her hand. In her possession, it is no longer a weapon but an instrument of transformation. It is not presented to threaten, wound, or strike the man; it is extended to set him apart. He is no longer the same. As a knight, his life has been expanded and his name enlarged to encompass a title and eventually a legacy. He has been dubbed and elevated. This means both weight and honour have been added to his name. With the sword, she transfers power and confers something only she can give: a higher purpose and reason to live.
He does not experience the edge of the sword when it is in her hands.
He feels the swords full weight as the flat of it is transferred from shoulder to shoulder. With this solemn act, she grants him the neccessary authority and entitlement. He now shoulders the responsibility and honour of the one who bears the sword..."
- extract taken from 'Fight like a girl' By Lisa Bevere

I realised that Timmy had seen and felt the edge of the sword while it had been in my hands. I had wounded him rather than honoured him within our time together. I realised more than ever how desperately I wanted things to change and how much I needed things to change.

I had taken my inadequacies and pushed them onto Tim with statements like;
"I would be a better wife if he would just be a better leader."
"I would be a better wife if he would be more romantic."
"I would be a better wife if he would just listen to me more often."


Now, I want to turn these statements and attitudes around and replace them with;

"He would be a better husband if I would pray for him daily."
"He would be a better husband if I would speak highly of him to others."
"He would be a better husband if I would show more compassion to him."
"He would be a better husband if I would..."



I feel like I am at one of the most incredible turning points of my life. I can feel myself changing and I know that it's good. This has been one of the hardest posts I've ever had to write because I realise how it makes me look. But I don't care anymore, because it doesn't define me, I am a work in progress, I haven't done things perfectly from the beginning, I'm still learning how to be a wife and I will continue to learn how to do this right. I know I've got a lot more lessons to learn I'm just so glad that I'm learning this one.
I have an amazing man in Tim, He takes my breath away, his strength, his patience and his love absolutely floor me.
Thankyou God that he reached out and didn't give up on me.

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