funny times.

about 3 weeks ago, my girl Belle came to visit me here in Armidale. It was surreal and awesome all at the same time to have her in my second home. I took her to a few different places all around Armidale and down to Tamworth, but the best times I had with the girl were all found within the flat, being idiotic and laughing till our tummies hurt. Thinking back on some of them still makes me laugh out loud.
The thing I love about our relationship is the way that we know each other so well...so well that when one of us starts a joke, or talking in a dopey accent then the other will quickly follow suit. One time on a ride home in Belles car we both chatted away in our teeny bopper accents for so long that we ended up having to saying "Okay this is just sad now....lets stop".
But the thing I love about Belle is that sometimes she's so Unco. Why do I love it? because it makes me laugh so hard, especially when she's left sprawled on the ground cracking herself laughing.
Belle is perhaps the best 'Bed-maker' I know, I was lying on my bed watching her make her bed one night while she was visiting me. She was making sure everything was tucked in nicely, upon finishing she stood up to realize that she was backed into a corner, my room wasn't big enough for her to get out without walking on her freshly made bed. Not wanting to mess it up, Belle instead stretches her short little leg over her matress,in order to struggle onto my bed (the girl only has short little legs, so I was impressed that she made it) as she stood on the edge of my bed trying to re-gain her balance, I tapped her on the butt with my foot and watched as she fell from the bed, convinced she was going to hit the ground bum first I watched with quiet anticipation as she landed on her feet. I was slightly dissapointed but had to grant WELL DONE!! but the girl wasn't finished, she took another 3 steps trying to balance herself each time, untill she made a huge skid across the floor out into the hallway and landed, full weight on her butt!! I was rolling on my bed laughing so hard...the only thing which would have made it more perfect was if Wae-Jae had come walking up the hall right as she fell...

The next highlight of the weekend was the wrestling. As we were cooking one night, Belle came wandering out with an empty 2 Litre Pepsi bottle and began whacking it into my knee caps repeatedly...this was the sign that "IT WAS ON!!" we started the pushing and shoving...using my legs I began to whack back at her knee caps, I realized that if I held her back at arms length, her little arms weren't long enough to be able to whack my knee's with the bottle. So I held her back and continued to kick at her with my feet. She's a ferocious little vixen, but I managed to kick the bottle out of her hands and continued to kick at her knee's until she lost her balance...however, this is where she caught me off guard. with her hand firmly clamped around my leg as she fell, she did so with the thought "If I'm going down, I'm taking you with me" and together we fell into one huge heap on the floor..., just as Liz came walking out of her room, someone else in the room obviously isn't enough to stop the fight, I watched as Belle tried to reach for the bottle again, trying to pin her legs with my body, I said a quick thankyou that my arms are longer than hers, as she squirmed about I managed to whack the bottle out of her reach...I can't fully remember what happened next, but I'm pretty sure there was a bit of shoving and kicking, before we stood back up while trying to shove the other one back onto the ground, brushed the dirt off ourselves and re-entered the kitchen with a little chuckle, and no recollection of who acutally won...for the record I would like to say that I did! :P

And the final story I will share with you for now, came sunday night. I took Belle to my Church here in Armidale, both the morning and the evening service, which I hope she enjoyed (I know I love it) at the end of the evening service we always have Cafe`, scrummy food and great company, what more could you ask for. Belle, Amy and myself were playing "Forkies". Earlier in the evening Amy had burnt her hand under hot water, so she had a bag of frozen peas keeping her arm cooled. As the intensity of the game built, it eventually became a Pea-pegging match, which was hilarious. However, being the mature and thoughtful children we are, we decided to clean up after ourselves picking up all the stray pea's. Belle had taken off her shoes for the evening, so unbeknownst to Belle, all the Peas Amy and I picked up, went straight into the bottom of her shoe....hehehe ;) ...she worked out it later in the night as she put her shoes back on to go home!

I'm sure there are plenty more stories, however for now I will save everyone the boredom, beacause I think it's often a case of, you just had to be there...
but I will say this;

Thanks for the awesome weekend, the hilarious memories Belle, I love you SO much, you know I reckon your awesome! I can't wait to see you again, and I hope your able to come and visit me here again some time.

Beauty from Pain

In the Living room of my flat, we have a heap of cupboards, pretty much for storage purposes. I hadn't used the cupboards in so long, but last night as the temperature reached freezing, I realized that in one of the boxes I had packed away, maybe...just maybe I had my winter dressing gown. As I opened the box the very first thing I spotted, sitting right on top was my dressing gown...YES!! but as I lifted the gown underneath it I spotted a small chest. I recognized it immediately, I knew exactly what was in it, even though it had been over a year and a half since I'd seen it.
Within the chest were letters, poems, and knick-knacks...things I had given my ex when we were together, there were photo's there too.
I guess it was a strange experience as I sifted through the box, and re-read the words which seem as though they written so long ago..."Surely I never wrote these things". But I had and as I read I felt a tightening in my gut, letter after letter, out came the words "...I just know your the man I'm meant to marry..."
Within that relationship I had sacrificed so much, I had compromised too much and at the time I couldn't even see it...I had been the furthest away from God than I have ever been in my short life, yet I still claimed that the relationship was God's blessing when I wouldn't have had a clue what he thought, because I chose to believe whatever suited me.
I read each letter, each poem, each short note within that chest. As I did I scrunched each one up and tossed it in the bin. I could feel the tears welling, and I managed to make it to my room before they began to fall. I shut the door and layed myself on the floor (this is my thinking place). Wae-Jae (in the room next door) was listening to his music, and as I lay upon the floor, with tears streaking my cheeks all I could hear was the chorus "...And now that your near, everything is different, everythings so different Lord, I know I'm not the same, my life you've changed, I want to be with you, I want to be with you..."
The tears which fell weren't for love lost, or anything like it, rather they were in gratitude that God pulled me back. I thank God so deeply that I had family and friends praying for me during that whole relationship, I thank God that he knew what I needed, he knew that I needed him, even while I was too oblivious to see it.
I'm not the same person I was a year and a half ago...my life is so different. I don't even want to imagine where I would be if I was still there.

I've stopped fighting my life in Armidale, and as I stop resisting Gods plans, slowly he's beginning to reveal to me, my purpose here. I'm finding incredible joy and blessings, greater than any I've known for a long time. As I seek out and dwell with God, I'm finding greater meaning, and I'm learning not only more about who I am, who I want to be, but more importantly who he is and what he wants to be to me...

I ended up falling asleep right there on the floor, in my thinking spot...and the very last thought I can remember floating through my mind before I drifted off, were these words,
"...Daddy I Love you, Thanks for not letting me fall apart..."

Delirium?!!

So procrastinating a couple of days ago turned out to be a really, really, REALLY, bad idea.
I got the assignment finished....awwwwww....huge sigh of relief, it was absolutely horrible and it nearly killed me (alright a bit of poetic licence in the exaggeration)

I was up till 4am this morning finishing it off, so I probably spent close to 10 hours striaght working on the stupid thing, it ended up being close to 30 pages in length. Headed to bed at 4, tossed and turned the whole night, I was waking up every half an hour. Woke up at 9, headed up top to print it out and hand it in. It wasn't due till 5pm, but I just wanted to get rid of it. While i was on the computers, I was completely oblivious that Bree had come over and was sitting next to me, she was just staring and smiling, I was also staring... at the computer screen.
But she's beautiful, she looked after me the whole day...I was going delirious I swear, and she was running around sorting out my coversheets and so on for me...

"Jezika's, Hero of the day award" however goes to the woman working at the Curriculum Centre, I had tried to use 3 staplers already to get through my paper, but they were all little weaklings and couldn't hack it, so as each attempt is hacking up the corner of my assignment as I'm getting more and more vicious with them. This woman gently take the assignment from me, with pure grace of motion she grabs a stapler from her top drawer and staples my sheets together...Aww I could have kissed the woman!! I however restrained myself and instead opted to Cheer, "Awww, thankyou, your my hero!!" To which she chuckled and said "your more than welcome" in an English accent no less...bliss :P

so there's my day for you...was it worth reporting on it, probably not, but in my sleep deprived state, just about everything seems like it could be a good idea!...tell ya what IS a great idea, Indian for dinner, the girls cooking tonight, Oh yes, I'm making indian dish complete with Naan bread and all...Yummo!

But alas I shall bore you no longer, head back to my flat, cook some dinner, have a shower (maybe I'll even pull out the ol' vanilla body wash) dump myself on the couch with my new Book. (Felicity turned to me at girls group on tuesday night out of no where and says "Here, you want a book? take it, it's yours) So right now I'm reading "When Christ Comes" By Max Lucado and I'm loving it!

so I'll stop dragging this out and making it more painful than it needs to be...I'm sure I'll read this later and think I'm a fool...but see ya next time...
Untill then, live, breathe and love - make it what you want it to be
Jess xoxo

The Latest...

Okay...so I'm procrastinating!!

I'm supposed to be working on a programming assignment. Plan 2 week programs for a year 3 class in both english and maths, include situation analysis of community, school and classroom. Plan 10 lessons each lasting 1 hour for each subject (20 hours altogether) include 2 detailed lesson plans for each subject...blah blah blah...

programming is probably the worst part of teaching, it's tedious and often frustrating. See I don't want to plan lessons which bore me, coz if I'm getting bored then I can gurantee the kids are dying!...

... (back to assignment)...

OKAY! I've made a decision, we're doing a unit on "Tongue Twisters" for English!

...(back to assignment)...

so I figured I hadn't been on here and posting in a bit, so if there is anyone hanging out to hear from me (which somehow I doubt :P ) I figured I'd give a posting of whats been going on with me lately.
Of late, I've been thinking about my vegetarianism, I'm not a huge meat fan anyway, it's never really excited me, but the other day I got to thinking about my plans for mission work, and the possibility of offending people if I head into their community, they offer me something and I refuse because I'm vegetarian and don't eat meat. I was chatting to Felicity about it at church on sunday. I have been having the best time getting to know this beautiful girl over the last couple of months, we share so many similar experiences, and so often I see myself in her, and that causes us to relate to one another incredibly well. So I've decided to sit on it, and just think. I've heard all the arguments, I know that God gave us authority and dominion over all living things...yeah I know, but I just really like animals, and I don't really feel as though I'm missing out by not eating them, and believe me I'm not a oblivious vegetarian freako, I know that they're going to kill the same amount of animals whether I eat them or not, I'm not actually saving any of them...but yeah, leave it with me, I'm in negotiations. Because ultimately if eating meat is the difference between reaching people, and them allowing me to fellowship with them...well...

I've decided that it's time I really started to plant myself in my church, and make myself useful through service and such. I've started heading along to wednesday night band, as a backing singer. The idea of getting up in front of a tonne of people scares the bejeebers out of me, but when Felicity suggested it, something in my spirit jumped and said 'yes' which was then quickly followed by me going "Awww...um...I dunno" but I managed to get myself there, and right now, wednesday nights is sort of an intro to worship band, it's meant to ease you in slowly...and I've found that I'm freaking out, having to sing into a microphone, but when I just blocked everything, and threw myself into worship, all that fear just slipped away, and I was okay.
Theres four of us now, myself, felicity, Jess, and Erin all singing back-up and Nicole on lead and the dynamic is...like, wow! when we were singing together last week there was this natural harmony which emerged that was insane, and by the end of it the soundy, Colin had turned all the instruments down and the singers mikes up so the only thing you could hear was that harmony...it actually gave me chills, one of the finest evenings I've had lately.
Then last night at our girlies group, we usually start with some worship and Nicole asked Felicity, Erin and myself to join her...she asked and then turned to me and said "Don't you think thats an awesome idea!!" my first reaction was "NO!" :P but yeah we got up and had a sing, and again I was terrified, untill I stopped thinking about the people watching and instead it just game down to one chick singing to her God.

So, it being wednesday and all, means that 5pm band is on again tonight, and yes I'm looking forward to it. I don't know whether I'll ever actually join the worship team, but I'm enjoying having the opportunity to sing now...I love it!

Chatted to Clancy last night about the possibility of starting a Kids-Klub in the church, it would be through a proper organisation (can't remember the name) but it's a cross between Girl-guides and Boy-scouts, so the kiddilies combine, and they go on camping trips and learn all their survival stuff, but theres also a biggen God focus to it all...and I reckon thats awesome! I would have loved something like that when I was a kid. So we'll see what happens, Clancy and I are chatting about it, trying to work it out.

Lifes pretty good at the moment, I'm trying to follow the lead of Jacob and become more of a grabber in life, sure there were many a time that he went about it the wrong way, but I want to take hold of more of the things God wants me to have. ;) rather than sitting on my butt and hoping it'll fall in my lap, which I know I've done in the past.

I was chatting to a good friend today, talking about things that have been concerning us lately. Conversation came around to a bit of a falling out I'd had with a friend of mine recently. Granted we don't know each other very well at all, and for all I knew the way they had spurred up at me, seemed not only really out of character but also out of nowhere.
This friend who I was talking to, also knew this other friend, and over the course of the conversation she was able to pin-point places where things I have said in the past, with heavy humour attached, could possibly have been taken wrongly by this other.
As I pondered it further I began to wonder.
The issues involved had been in regards to race, and it seems the joke which may have offended was the exact joke I had shared with the other international students sharing my flat, all of which had laughed heavily and enjoyed the moment.
let me make myself clear, the fact that others had laughed while this other had not, is not the point, this doesn't mean that this persons feelings are not valid...if you feel something, theres a reason, it's yours and that makes it valid.
Rather the issue which has been mulling in my head, is the dangers involved in sharing with others. As I considered it further, I realized that the friend who took offence really does not know me well at all, and I barely know him either.
The people who I share my flat with, do know me well, and so when I told the joke they knew that I was saying it fondly, without any cruelness or any derogatory underpinnings. I guess thats the advantage of knowing others well and in return them knowing you.

To the person I offended I apologise, I did not mean anything cruel by it, I never meant to offend or hurt you. I blame myself completely.

I also notted perhaps a rather large chink in my views...
While It's clear that society still places large emphasis on culture, race etc. I will say that I do not rate a person in terms of these. I don't look at one person and say..."Aww, she's from 'such and such country'I've heard..." In fact, I've found incredible joy in the last 2 years learning 'straight from the horses mouth' about cultures...man there's some awesome places out there that I want to visit one day...
But I guess here's the chink I found. Cultural stereotypes or misconceptions really don't play in my world-view, granted they run rampant within society...and in comes my humour, because they don't have a place in my view I tend to use them in my jokes, because there importance within society is humorous to me...thus the reason for the chink. To the people who have copped the flak due to societies view on cultural stereotypes, if they don't know me well, then they may feel that I'm just having another go, adding to what society does everyday.
To these people I want to say that I'm not ahving a go at you, in no way intentionally.
If I have the pleasure of meeting you, I will have no pre-conceived notions of you based on your race, the only notions I will have, will be whatever you have given me of yourself to know...
I'm fascinated by culture, I find incredible joy in learning about it, If I have ever made you feel bad I'm sorry, if I've ever offended you, I'm sorry. But please I ask that you know, I have never said anything to be cruel.
Sometimes I get so caught up in being me, that I forget that not everyone knows me, and understands where I'm coming from.

Teetering...

It's been a rough week...
A rough week of friendship, A close friend of mine revealed a side of herself which was nothing like I had ever seen in her before, in fact I didn't think she would even have it in her. Another young lady who I have befriended over the last 2 months betrayed me terribly, people who I trusted turned their backs on me...and as the week progressed I just sunk deeper into my shell, sort of recoiled into myself. People asked me if I was doing ok..."Your alot quieter than normal Jess"...yes I have been...

Things are being shredded inside me...I'm learning to love without trust, I'm learning to love regardless.

If at any point I lashed out at you unfairly, I apologise...I had no right to do that.

I've been wrestling, with God, with my own standings and beliefs.

I don't despise anyone, I'm not bitter, I'm not angry...but I'll admit that I'm hurt. My prayer has been that God would allow me the healing to face these people, to press on with these people and to love them, regardless of how they may have treated me in the past.

and then today I read the blog of one of my greatest friends in the world, and as I read, I cried, man, I wept so hard. The falling out in our friendship feels as though it was so long ago, in fact I had nearly completely forgotten that it ever happened, but it served as a reminded...as a sort of beacon of hope...
The friendship that I share with Bee, is one of the greatest I have ever known, she is a beautiful, amazing woman who I love sincerly for everything she is, and I know that from our struggles together our friendship will be stronger, it will be more honest and beautiful than ever before.

As I hit the red button on this post, log off the computer, leave the computer labs and head back to my flat, I do it with hope...with the knowledge that good does come from pain, that friendship and love will outshine turmoil.

Right now some of my friendships hang, teetering dangerously on the edge, but with love, and the willingness to hang on we can pull through, and pull through stronger than ever...

so I leave with hope...and pray that everythings going to be okay.

Questions to Consider

"A question to be considered, though, is how willing are you to change to see your dream realised. You say you want to travel to Africa to do this mission work, but to what point will you say "no, I'm not changing anymore, it's too much"? Mission work, preparing for it, often involves a huge change on your own behalf. Is that change something that you want to make? Is it a case of wanting to follow through even if it means completely changing your outlook on life, your outlook on other people, your outlook on evangelism, even your outlook on your own faith and God? Are you willing to have ideas and concepts you've held and known for so long to be completely stripped away from you? "

I really wanted to share this here, this was a comment left in regards to my post "rekindling the dream" I thought the questions were awesome!!
and came at the perfect time.

Today I just recieved an email response in regards to questions I had asked about the course run by global training ministries, and the woman who kindly took the time to type me a response said repeatedly..."This Course will change you, you will be forced to evaluate your faith, wipe all the decorative mumbo-jumbo aside and you will walk away KNOWING what you believe and why you believe it...and thats the only way your going to be able to spread the gospel effectively"
I'm ready...as ready as I suppose you can be, yes this will change me, but more than anything I want it to change me.
break, shape and mould me, lets not be naive, it's going to be damn hard, allowing yourself to be changed, to the extreme which this woman was speaking of, it's going to be painful...it's a form of sacrifice and real sacrifice never comes without pain.
"Nor will I make sacrifices to the Lord my God, with that which costs me nothing"
2 Samuel 24:24
All I know is that this dream burns in me, and I'll do whatever it takes to get there, and so long as God's on my side...it's gonna happen!

Marriage?

One of my best friends got engaged about a month ago, so nearly daily she's been recieving mail from bridal companies, and possible reception venues. I guess more than anything else it's made me think.

I'm not particularly fussed with the wedding itself, once upon a time I was your typical girl gushing over the gorgeous photo's and such, but I guess I've breathed a bit of reality into the fantasy. Ultimately the wedding itself really isn't that important, you spend ridiculous amounts of money on something which you only need two people present for. Sure everyone makes a big deal about the details, the dress, the venue, the food, the cake...blah blah blah, the list goes on.

Whats really important is the promise these two people are making...it's a covenant and it's sacred, you could have the most beautiful dress this worlds ever seen, but if you don't take your promise sincerely then whats the point, what a waste of a day, what a waste of money.

I don't really get the fuss, in fact I don't want the fuss. Give me my choice and when(/if) the time comes around I'll have something simple, loose the chaos which distracts you from the real reason that your there...some close family and friends, keep it small, keep it simple and enjoy the day in a relaxed way while taking it seriously. Once that wedding ring hits my finger I plan on keeping it there for life.

Though I've been pondering this further of late. I'm not convinced that my life is really going to be all that 'normal' if it is even possible to define normality. I want to travel, to hit the mission field, and I can't gurantee how long I plan on doing that for, I might not settle down properly for many years, and while I'm excited by the idea of missionary work and all that jazz, I also find the idea a little...hmm...I don't know. I guess it would be easier to be single in terms of just packing up and going, but the idea leaves me with a sense of lonliness.
When I really think about it, I do love being single, I love where my life is at right now, but I have my moments, when I just think it'd be nice to have someone to hold and love, sometimes I miss so badly that person who I don't even know right now, And it's hard.
But on the flip-side I don't think I can bring another in to my life right now, I don't think it would be fair...I guess I have this sense that I have to do some more working on myself, establish 'me' further so that when the bloke does turn up he's going to recieve a dynamic person.

after all I hate that stupid line from 'Jerry Maguire' you know the one "You complete me" it's supposed to be sweet, I just found it gag worthy...I don't want to be someone who needs to be completed by a man...God has created me to be a complete, whole person in him.
I will not be defined by man.
I'll be me, completely me and nothing less.

[note] I'm feeling incredibly opinionated this evening, so bear with me ;)

Rekindling the dream.

I've always had a passion for mission, in the last six months alone I've had that many people cross my path who have been on missions to Africa that it's starting to get ridiculous. I guess the thing with life is that often you get caught up in it, you have your passions, sure but with everything which 'needs' to be done, sometimes you have to place them on the back-burner for a while and wait it out. I guess thats what I'd done of late.
The passion for missions still burnt, but I'd basically decided that until I finished my University degree they were going to have to wait...the hum-drum of Uni, of everyday life has the ability to numb the dream somewhat...

And then, sunday morning in walks Kevin Hovey from Global Training Ministries. The stories he had to share, his wisdom, his passion for God's great commision captured me, and stirred in me again.
You couldn't have held me back, as soon as the service was over I was right beside Kevin, chatting away. So my issue of late has been, what am I doing? like right now all I felt as though all I was doing was waiting it out, till I could finally hit the mission field...the African Mercy Ship, my dream. Chatting to kevin meant that when I walked out of Church on Sunday morning I felt more hope than I had felt in quite a while. Yes it made me feel incredibly underprepared to head into an un known country, but it also comforted me to know that there was a missions training program run over six weeks, which coincided with my Summer holidays. This is something I can do NOW, in order to reach my dream.
As I read Burkies blog entry clutch, gear, brakes, rev, clutch... I related in a big way...I had allowed myself to become stagnant also.
Okay, so right now missions may be out of the question, but there is no reason why I can't begin to prepare myself for what will come with time. I believe with all honesty that God has placed this passion within me...and more than anything I belive that I'm responsible for choosing my path, and God'll help direct my steps.
I will make it to Africa one day,granted not today but I'm going to start building towards my dream now, I'm not letting this slip through my fingers.

Reprise...

I've been thinking, and I've decided that in my heart I DO believe that there is one person in this world who is the one God has planned for me to spend my life with.

I do believe that it is possible to find and be happy with thousands of people in this world, but I believe so deeply that there is one who God wants to see me with.

Call me naive...call me whatever you like.

Yes I've been in love, yes I thought it was for life...yes I had my heart broken.
The fact that I could feel a love like that and have it fall through my hands should be enough to turn me against the 'soul-mate' concept, but it doesn't.
In fact the more I think about it the more that I find peace with it.

I was at church last night, and as I sat there I surveyed the room, and as I glanced at each of the males there...my heart was saying "he's not mine...neither is he...and he's not meant for me either..."

So how is it possible to love someone so deeply, to be convinved that your going to spend your life with this person, if they're not the 'one'? some would say that it's because there is no "One". But I would disagree...

"The heart is deceitful above all things..."
Jeremiah 17:9

Perhaps...just perhaps I got it wrong. Maybe that deceitful heart which beats within my chest convinced me that I was to spend my life with someone, who I was never supposed to be with...

just maybe...

That break-up was one of the most painful emotional rollercoasters I have been on in my short life...but when the ride ended I was able to step onto the platform, less naive, more sure of myself and who I am in Christ...
Perhaps God teaches some of the best lessons through the failings of romance, it ended up that way in my life...
But I still believe that somewhere out there is the one for me.
This is an issue I've been praying about alot lately...trusting that God would let me know.
Since I've been praying over the situation I've found incredible peace with the concept of someone out there who's designed fro me, and me for him...

"I will bless the Lord who has given me counsel; my heart also instructs me in the night seasons"
Psalm 16:7
In this case the original translation of the word 'Heart' would be closer to 'Kidney' or 'conscience' If I'm asking God for answers to something, I don't believe that he'll give me anything fake,

"...my conscience also bearing witness in the holy spirit..."
Romans 9:1

I guess more than anything else, if I have it wrong I believe I'll get told that...But untill I learn that for myself, I'm going to find it impossible to believe it any other way...it needs to be real to me, and right now I find peace in the belief that there is one person out there for me, and so long as I trust Gods voice, his plan then I will find him.

But seriously, will I ever know? Will I ever know that there was or wasn't "One" designed for each?

Not before I hit heaven, and knick Gods ear for a good chat about all the quessies I have for him...

Untill then, I'm gonna trust the kidneys, the conscience and trust that God won't lead me wrong.

Midnight Ponderings

What am I doing here? What purpose is this achieving?
I feel like a leaf...
For so long I hung onto the branch, but now I've come loose and I'm drifting aimlessly, being blown here and there by the breeze.
I'm not out of control, I'm not depressed, in fact my life remains incredibly blessed...
But I feel lost, dazed and confused. What am I doing? How am I serving? Where am I being used? How do I fit?

I want the fruit before the roots, and it just doesn't work that way.

I've always held a fascination for Gods meataphore of the tree;

"He shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth its fruit in its season, whose leaf also shall not wither and whatever he does shall prosper."
Psalm 1:3

I miss the close communion I once shared with Christ, I so desperately crave it, yet its been so long since I've come before him, naked and completely candid that I struggle to remember where to begin.
I've never completely lost him from my life, he is always there, teaching and growing me, but one can learn without truely connecting with the teacher.
What I miss most is the intimacy ~ knowing and being within the presence of one who sincerely knows me.

I'm learning to understand 'the metaphore of the tree', I've done my research, I explored the mysteries of tree's and as I read I began to understand the nature of God more.

During the winter months of a trees life it appears (above the surface) that there is no growth, infact often the tree even appears to be withering away before your eyes, as the leaves change colour and fall...
But under the surface, the roots are spreading, stretching deeper and deeper, planting the tree with strength, firmly in the nutrient rich soil.

I beagn to wonder if this was perhaps my winter month...the fruit is lacking upon the tree because the roots have somewhat detracted. Gods calling me to seek him more than ever before, to discover more of the mysteries and truths which are only found when walking in communion with him.
To spread my roots stronger and deeper in my knowledge and trust of him.

I may not know what I'm doing here, I may not know how I'm supposed to be used or what I should be doing right now...Those things will come and go in due time. What I do know, what I can gurantee for always is that before all things I am called to love God.

I can't be sure of what my purpose is right now, geez I don't even know if anything exciting or momentus will happen tomorrow. But I live with hope, for I know that I have to keep seeking out God, he is the only place that I'm going to find the answers I'm looking for, this much I know, and he'll show me what I need to know, when I need to know it.

But for now, I have to keep throwing myself into every opportunity that comes my way, any opportunity to serve, to be used...make myself available - keep trusting God, that if I put myself 'out there' then he can show me where to step up, and keep going. But above all else it's time to start chasing that Intimacy, chase it with viciousness.
I don't want to just know of him, read his stories, I want to share relationship with him again, understand him better.

He's been waiting, it's about time I showed up!

Test Your Reading Skills

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a word are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

So tehre you go. smoe food for tohught.

Heart Murmur...

The battle rages within
A vicious chaos between flesh and soul
I long so desperately to serve you
To follow...
To trust the heart which burns so deeply for mine
I don't want to hurt you
Don't want to watch the tears trace your cheeks
But too often I doubt,
fall short
mess up
while you remain forever faithful
Your wings shielding
your soft voice nurturing
sustaining me in the wilderness
With one hand you shoo the circling vultures
and with the other you bring blessings upon my head

Come take the throne of my heart
Let nothing...
let no one sit above you
this life is yours
And I will place my trust in you.

J.R. Braybrook. 2005.

Addict (desperate)

I ask so many questions
I search your word
Your face
Looking for something I am yet to know

I do not understand you
I cannot even begin to imagine
what you think when you look at me

I know that I have failed you
You give me all there is
yet still you find me laying in the gutter

I am a hopeless addict
Constantly fighting off my demons
I've tried to run and hide it,
tried to make it on my own
But this road is hard and I don't understand the rules

So here I stand
Waiting on you
Desperate...
No longer content with mediocre
But fulfilled by truth
Fulfilled by you.
J.R. Braybrook. 2005.

How'd I miss that?!!

Man...ever taken the time to really get to know someone and realized that they were nothing like you had ever known them to be?

I love sundays, any other day of the week I'm dragging myself out of bed, but not sundays, I spring out so fast on Sundays!!
I love everything about it...though one of my favourite parts is the drive, there is nothing finer than having a car crammed full of your mates, having a blast. Sunday mornings my car is chockers! I'm responsible (yes I can be) for driving half of Armidale to church (I have roof-racks).
The way too church is usually quieter, people chatting, but on the way home it can be chaos, utter joyful-gooberish chaos, I cannot describe the happiness I find in filling an old,dinted-up,1984, white, Royal Commodore with the sounds of Elisha, Felicity, Asia, Wae-Jae and myself singing off-key worship songs.

...and thats just the morning service...

I head along to evening church also, and this usually involves a different troop of people, Majority of them being fellow flat-mates (the lazies sleep during the morning and come along to the evening service) So usually it's myself, Asia, and my flat-mates Wae-Jae, Luke and Liz, and the evening service offers something completely different from morning...it's Cafe...I'm talking Nacho's, Wedges (thats wedges, not wedgies) Chocolate Moose...among a whole heap of other scrummy things, the atmosphere is awesome for chatting, bonding and all things fun.

So, now I've set the scene, in comes what this post is all about.

This is the second year that I have shared a flat with Luke, and I must admit that during the first year of sharing the same habitat, I really did not see much of him at all. He's incredibly studious! it's impressive actually, I've often been inspired but lets not get carried away.
The brief conversations which I had shared with Luke however, were always fairly serious. It has always seemed fairly obvious to me that he's an incredibly intelligent guy, though I remember thinking that perhaps he was a little overly serious...

Though with the new year of living together, the opportunity to see more of Lukes personality has emerged, it's been incredibly gradual, however last night, i am convinced that it hit it's peak, he threw all his cards on the table and lets just say, he was in fine form...

I never knew he had it in him, but the boy had me in hysterics the whole night...I'm talking intellectual jokes, full on slap sticks...awww I had to literally get up and walk away, my stomach was aching and I couldn't breathe!.

*sigh* thats good times for you.

But what the whole thing made me consider, was how quickly I can often form an opinion of a person. I don't consider myself judgmental by any means, but I had made assumptions about the sort of personality that Luke had, and I'm sure that I've done that to more people than just him.

I guess my big take from the night, was sort of a refreshing of my desire to 'really' know people. To take the time to see the person underneath the assumption, the person behind the nerves, or the self-conciousness...awww...because if tonight has taught me anything, it's that it's worth it!

Last night really opened the flood-gates of communication...

Today Liz, Luke and I sat together on the couch sharing stories about our old School-bus drivers from hell...Awwww
all I'm going to say is that between last night and now...the old tummy muscles have been given one heck of a work-out!