My Lover...

I'm reading a new book...

"Captivating" By John and Stasi Eldridge, Maybe you've heard of it, maybe you haven't. About a year ago I read the book by John Eldridge entitled "Wild at Heart: Discovering the secrets of a mans soul" and I thought it was unreal. Granted I'm not a male but it was definitely worth reading up on what the other half are pondering. I passed the book on to my brother who mumbled a quick thanks and tossed it on the bed beside him, however just last night I received a phonecall from Matty so that he could thank me for passing it on (call it female tuition but I knew he'd like it)
"Wild at Heart" contained one chapter in which it looked at females and as I read it I remember thinking "I wish they had a female version of this..."

So like an answer to that statement, out came "Captivating; unveiling the mysteries of a womans soul".

Last night I cried harder than I can remember crying in a long time, as I read the chapter on 'healing the wound' I realized that for so long I had pushed down the things in my past which had hurt me, the lies which I had held onto for so long. I realized that I had maintained a spirit of rejection in my life, from childhood, from my relationship break-up and the lst goes on...these lies had affected the way I viewed myself, had left me feeling not good enough, not worthy and definitely not beautiful, not captivating my any means.
What really got me though was as I read on, and they spoke of Christ as not only a saviour, a brother...but as a lover.
...
I've sung the songs, I've heard it said but I don't think that I have ever really, I mean REALLY taken the time to discover and love and know Christ as a lover. The book urged me to consider the scenes from movies, Jack and Rose on the Bow of the Titanic, his arms around her waist, their first kiss. Imagine your favourite, your most romantic. Then I was to replace the originals with Christ and myself. The very first thing I thought was "Is that okay? Am I supposed to think of Christ that way?" and to be perfectly honest to begin with it actually made me feel a little awkward, but as time went on I began to realize, that all this time, all these years I have been persued, I am being wooed by the creator of the Universe. Not only does Christ love me, but he looooooooves me. He may not be a chocolates and bunch-of-flowers kinda guy. But he is a lavish lover, his gifts are incredible and he gives them freely and often.

I have already admitted my deep hearted desire to be loved, to be desired, to be persued, and while I had always know that God loved me, I had never really thought it possible that he could make me feel the way a lover does, that glow, that warm fuzzy feeling of knowing that another thinks your beautiful, that knowing that you are persued and desperately craved. As I have begun to seek my God in the same way, love him with the same passion, discover him in the way that two would at the beginning of a relationship...I have been changed, I can feel it right down to my core. I am finally beginning to understand the things which I have read for so long in Gods word. That with Christ as my love for me to choose sin in my life, is to be an adultress, to cheat on the one who I have chosen.
Man I can't even express the joy in my heart, I recognise this feeling, I recognise this peace, of feeling so beautiful simply because I know that I am loved, that I am desired.
...
What really blew my mind, was just how much Christ also desires to be persued by us, to be loved so deeply, so passionately...that not only does he occupy a beautiful place in our heart which is his and his alone, but we hold a sacred place within his which is only able to be filled by us, and us alone...thats mind-blowing...we affect Christ, we have an impact - We are both changed by love, and once linked together we are made whole.

I can't express this anywhere near close to the way I wish I could. I'm in love, and I want the whole world to know it! sure life is still going to be life, things won't always go right, there's still the mundane, the boring, the painful...but...I'm in love, I'm in love and with this love I'm going to make it through.

Oh, I've done it again - placed my heart in uncapable hands...

What wonderful revelations come through nothing less than the grace of God.
Granted, I really haven't been giving God the place he deserves. I could begin to list off the millions of reasons(excuses) why I've been distracted - prac, Uni...whatever- but when it comes down to it, I mean really comes down to it, there is no excuse, EVER! Full stop.
What really gets me though, is that Christ would continue to reveal mysteries even when I don't deserve them.
My revelation came tonight, as I walked in my bedroom door at 11pm. As I mentioned earlier, I was joining the bible study which contained Nick, whom I had been wrestling somewhat in terms of my feelings towards him. Tonight saw a breakthrough of sorts, the revelation of the evening was spread over two phases of the night, the bible study, and mischief afterwards.
I realized just how much I truely admire Nick as a man of God - I mean seriously he blows me away sometimes and for that reason (I'll be the first to admit) that makes him incredibly appealing - I respect him greatly.
It was after the bible study that the revelation really took hold as Wae-Jae and I tried to position a rotting orange on Aarons windowsill (on the 2nd floor flat) while scaling the drain pipe. The whole scene was hilarious ~ as there was only room for one person at a time, I tried first only to establish that I was too short - Wae-Jae being 2 inches taller than me, but possessing an ego which had him convinced that he was at least 6 feet tall - had a crack next. I stood egging him on, laughing hysterically as he repeatedly whacked his head on the downstairs window (mind-you we had no idea who lived in that room) causing a little movement of the curtain from the inside. On about the 3rd whack, the curtain flew open as Wae-Jae and I bolted up our only escape, a steep grassy incline. In the chaos we managed to whack heads - his glasses cutting my forehead. The hilarity however was too much and we decided to abandon the attempt for now, however we both vowed to retrn with a can of shaving cream and the video camera another night.

I guess your wondering where the revelation is.
So here goes...
I have never experienced that sort of hilarity with Nick, and I can't be sure that I ever will. I guess that the point is while, yes I do desire a passionate, on-fire-for-God bloke, I also desire a friend, a partner in mischief. Perhaps Nick has those qualities, and maybe the combination isn't right for that to happen between us, at least. The fact is that right now I just don't know, so basically the conclusion I've come to, for now, is this; Why spend my time pining over someone when I don't even know if they can be the things which I need/want and even more importantly somone who I can't eve be sure that I'm capable of offering the things which they need/want.

It's actually a kind of strange relief because when I really started to write this down, I realized that I've held onto thee things, these feelings for such a long time, that I'm beginning to realize that perhaps I had locked my emotions towards Nick because he was the only one at this point, whom I can see as a tangiable match, yes he does have many a characteristic which I find incredibly attractive, but theres more to it than simply 'the maths adding up' it's about a communion of personalities and at this point in time I really haven't found that with Nick.

I guess it's about trusting God, and believing that It's not something I have to really stress about.
In ths spirit of honesty, which i hope that this blog remains to be. I do crave companionship, which is what makes this so dangerous, attaching emotions to the wrong people because I simply, desire to be loved, to be wanted, to be desired by another. I do believe that I will find genuine and sincere communion with another, I just need to remain faithful to the call God has placed on my life.

The big issue is that I don't want to ignore missing links with Nick, because I admire him incredibly, because he appears to be the only option right now. That probably sounds really terrible and derogatory towards him, but please do not let my words erode his richness, his worth. He is still an incredible person whom I do hope to be able to to claim as a friend in time.
However, for now I do believe that I have been able to establish exactly what he means to me. I wrongly invested my emotions and confused my own feelings - After all it is very possible to admire another greatly without being 'in love' with them - I do love my brother.

...

But I am ready now daddy, really ready(finally) to be patient, to be really patient and wait. Help me to understand that I don't require a 'crush' in order to feel feminine. Please please let me be able to use my lesson and grow from it. Thankyou for your revelations, it's time I spent more of my heart persuing you and loving you more and more, rather than thrusting it towards others whose hands are uncapable of taking hold of my heart. Fill my eyes with vision, so that I see only you, and teach e in your ways...my sacred, my darling.

...

University Days...

Back at Uni today...
headed to church last night and found out that I've been booted from the girlies bible study group. Nah not really.
The bible studies starting a new course, I've already missed the first week, and I'm going to miss another 4 weeks of the course in a month due to my 2nd half of prac. So chatting to Nicole I've basically decided that I really wouldn't get out of the course all there is if I'm missing bits all over the place, which means I'll do it next year when I can really apply myself to it without month long absences.
So what does this mean? this means that I need to find another bible study, Tuesday being the best day of the week in terms of time. And the only other bible study that day of the week is the Uni student sudy, which sounds perfect...
But heres the catch, it's been the bible study I've sort of been avoiding. Why? Because Nick runs it.

As far as I'm concerned this whole Nick situation is ridiculous. He's an awesome guy, but I'd prayed about the whole thing, realized that the crush was pathetic and decided that the whole thing was moronic and left it.
I actually chatted to Nick on Sunday for quite an extended period of time about all the stuff I'd been up to since I'd been gone and whats going on with him now that he's finished uni.
Funny thing was that after having a good chat to him I'm actually confident that I can handle sharing a bible study with the boy...
Interesting, so I'll leave you for now, I have bec nagging me "coz I'm wasting away Jeeeess..." so we're off to get food for the week.

Chat soon, I'll be less mechanical and share a bit more about whats going on in my head.
to horrendously use a overused quote...

"I'LL BE BACK!!"

Conceited, Cynical, Optimist?

Every so often I get into moods like this, where people just irritate me.

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I can be a stubborn-ass and I'm like that in a lot of area's of my life. It pretty much was birthed in my parents attitudes to everything while we were kids. If we started anything, whether it be Tennis, Ballet, music lessons, whatever it was whether we decided that we enjoyed it or not, we were never allowed to just quit. We were expected to 'see out' the year and then if we didn't want to do it anymore we would drop it. We could give it up, at a time when we wouldn't be letting anyone down (after the end of year dance-concerts, Eistedford, Tennis championships, etc.)
At the time I really didn't appreciate what my parents were teaching me, but in retrospect ( as everything is always clearer in retrospect) I realize the value of the lesson, and I stay true to it, out of my own choice and will now also.
Yes I tend to be more cynical, but would it be considered an oxymoron to say that I also generally give people the benefit of the doubt and try to see the best in them...would it be horrendously grammaticaly incorrect to refer to myself as being a cynical optimist?

ah well, this is my blog, my thoughts, I can class myself as whatever I see fit.
Over the last year in particular, as I've grown more than ever before, I feel that I'm a lot less naive than I once was.
I've also grown to realize that often I do not believe that people give me the credit which is due. perhaps this post will come across as an arrogant, conceited rant. My hope is that it doesn't, rather that people may get another snap-shot into the scrapbook of my mind.

In my life I've been the joker, My dad is of course the king of this(he's a self confessed "8") and I am but his faithful apprentice. Dad has often said that I'm the only one he knows who can bring mum out of the grumps so well.
Very few people know me as well as my family knows me, very few ever will, and even less will ever try.
That is the reason for my irritation with people of late. I guess that I'm not the same person I used to be, I'm sure that you've become irritated with my repetition of my desire for transparancy with others. But I find myself unsatisfied with shallow, mere aquaintance friendships (as I refer to them) I find myself frustrated by friendships which rarely, without heavy pushing, delve into the deeper issues, I want to KNOW people, not just be able to recognize them in a crowd.
Man, when I want to I can talk, and if you'll let me I'll have a mighty fine crack at it. But on the flip side, I'm also a listener, I like to help others sort through issues, share concerns and just allow me to be trusted with the tales of their lives.

Perhaps it is my silly side, perhaps I myself have not always been transparent with others, and thus is the reason for my current displeasure with people, and their lack of care for my world.

Perhaps I am conceited and just groping for attention, validation...
Perhaps I've become a cynical old woman long before my due date...

Whatever it is, I just wish that people would be what they say, say what they are and stop pussy-footing around things and just tell it like it is.

I'm trying to be honest with my life, I'm trying to share with people parts of myself...but the sad fact is, that too often already I've trusted those parts with people who really didn't give a crap, and their lack of care has left those area's of me feeling worthless...because they treated them as though they were nothing.

I know I'm not worthless, I know that those parts of me want to be heard, I hope that theres someone who needs to hear them.

But alas for now, I do find company in solitude (I'm full of the oxymorons this evening it seems) pondering my thoughts, sharing them in my journal, and when I irritate even myself, ...well I pray then sleep...let my subconcious take over for a while.

In fact I think I'm starting to irritate myself right now (at which point I must surely have irritated you, the reader of this, already) so I will go...Pray then sleep... It's time the subconcious got a word in.

Focus people...focus!

So I'm still home here in Forster.
2 weeks of Teaching Prac + 2 weeks of working at Vaccation Care= 1 week of lazing around the house like a slob untill I head back to Uni, starting from tomorrow.
However, today being Sunday meant that I headed to My parents Church. And it was one of those mornings, when getting out of Bed seems like an exhausting task.
I've been a bit stressed lately, just with everything thats going on, so now that I've reached relaxation mode, the flu (which I've managed to keep at arms length for the last 2 months) is starting to raise it's ugly head --->But I am NOT going to get sick, I'm cramming in the oranges (Haven't tried the guiness yet ;) ) When i woke this morning my throat was killing and for a moment I thought my voice was gone, the old shnozza was well and truely blocked and to finish it off, only being able to claim 4 hours sleep didn't help the situation.
So when I first stirred I was tossing up whether I should go, or take the day off, sounds terrible doesn't it, needing to 'take off' church.
But going by experience, everytime I've not wanted to go to church, but ended up going anyway I've gotten something awesome out of it, and really been blessed because I went. So in the end I went, I'm convinced that when God has something awesome for me to hear, the devil will do whatever he can to stop me from hearing/ recieving it and the best place to start is by keeping me outta the way and in bed.
So I headed to Church, and just had a blast! man I get so stoked when I'm in worship, it's one of my fave places to be...

after the service I was chatting with Chris, now Chris and his wife Narelle have been at the Church since I was about 10, yet it's only been since I moved out of home and only come back for holidays that I've really gotten to know the bloke. But I love the chats we've shared, he's a funny bloke and really encouraging to talk to. He'd be in his late 30's but his life experience and help through my struggles and so on has been so wonderful.

So today while we were chatting he said something which just filled me with so much patience, so much strength.

"Jess don't ever settle for second best in a partner, God has someone out there for YOU!, don't ever sell yourself short and go with someone who isn't worthy of you...you'll find worthiness and contentment, just trust and know what your worth..."

just hearing those words from him lifted me incredibly...of late I've been feeling pretty unattractive and loserish, so it was nice to know that even us geeks deserve someone worthy.
It wasn't something I didn't already know, it just helped confirm to me that it's okay for me to not want to date just 'anyone' and keep focusing on other things and not get distracted with the whole Boyfriend dealio...

...

Man, just while I was typing up this post, I had a conversation with a friend on MSN...and within the time frame of about 5 minutes I got to the point where I wanted to slap the bloke...

it wasn't so much him in himself, rather it is some of the people around me...

I have seen people, pumped for God and doing crazy-cool stuff...then a possible love opportunity has come along and they've changed, their focus has shifted and suddenly they're not coming to the bible studies anymore because they'd rather spend time with that certain 'other'. They only come to church if the 'other' is going to be there, and when they do attend together so much of the time is spent canoodling. They ring me because they want to read their bible but claim "I just don't have the time now that I'm dating ______, because we have to do stuff together..."

and it gives me the craps big time. I mean seriously if you want to read the bible that much you can MAKE the time...heck why don't you read the bible together?!!

I've now shifted into cynical mode, in the space of like, 10 minutes.

I just think it's so stupid, and it irritates me so much. Is being in a relationship THAT important that your willing to abandon your 'first Love'?
I'm so over it all, in fact I've reached the point where I don't even want the possibility of a relationship right now...that'll probably change in time. I don't belive that all relationships are going to distract you, in fact I believe that if it's God-centred then if anything, it's gonna want/love/need God even more so.

I guess the point I'm at now, is that I don't even want to risk it. I want my focus to be clear, I don't want God shaken from the top position in my life...Only once I've become more settled in Christ (not completed) and I'm spiritually mature enough to deal with a relationship without compromising my walk with Christ...well... then I'll stop throwing those big rocks at the male population.
nah it's not the blokes that are the problem...it's where the focus lies, and thats no ones choice but my own.

I guess Chris's words are true for me...I don't want to settle for second best, and so I'm willing to grow and wait for somone who is going to strengthen, challenge and egg-me on for Christ, not someone who'll lag me back, hinder me or whatever...after all I couldn't bear the thought of doing that to someone else...

So I wait...sure my flesh gets lonely and wants that other now...but My spirit is SO content in waiting, because I know that whats at the end of it'll be worth it.

I'm feeling alot better now...just getting it out has cooled me down...starting to feel tired though...this what they can emotionally drained?

ah well, nothing a choc-caramel slice, a glass of milk and a good sleep won't fix.

Permanent reminder...

Been considering the idea of getting a tattoo.
My mum of course hates the idea, and so to tease, I've been telling her that I plan to cover my whole left arm.
rather I've been considering the idea of getting, in small letters across my left wrist

Isaiah 6:8

that's it, short and simple...
but it means so much more, it is of course the verse, "Also I heard the voice of the Lord saying: "Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?" Then I said, "HERE I AM! SEND ME."

I love it so much, it's something which will always remain true for me within this life.

but I'll ponder it some more before I even consider making a decision, I do think that some tattoos are quiet hideous, but I also believe that a classy tat can be something really beautiful, meaning so much more, if it's something that means something special.
everyone's entitled to their own decisions but I'm not a fan of the tat on the back, I guess I figure that if I'm going to go through all that pain for it, I wanna be able to pop it out and take a squiz at it whenever I want...(hehe, I'm too practable for my own good)

Ahhh who knows...I'll leave it for now, see what I think in another 6 months, after all I'll be stuck with it for life...I'm gonna wanna be sure.

Jez 

Realizing the change...

my brain is basically going nuts lately, I'm working at vaccation care while on my holidays, finishing off the painted murel on mum and dads back verandah, busy trying to organise Kate and my 21st for next holidays and finally, trying to put together a comprehensive, 4 week english and maths unit for the year 3/4 students at the primary school for the next time I head back there for the second part of my prac.
Basically, I go to bed tired then wake up still feeling pretty drained, but I can't complain I have a good life, and at least while I'm home painting the murel and creating video tributes for my girl Katie, means that I have creative outlets which I love.
In terms of the brain going nuts, it's in regards to relationships, of the opposite sex variety.
I recently had a friend of mine make me an 'offer' and while I think that he's an awesome guy, after chatting about the situation more I got the distinct impression that he had never spent a lot of time considering the two of us together, but he figured that he could handle having me as a girlfriend, and so he'd be willing to give it a crack. Needless to say I wasn't all that impressed.
However I found so much empowerment in the fact that I didn't get all girly and flattered about the whole thing, rather I was able to stay relatively level-headed and talk about things reasonably with him...
It just convinced me about how much a person is capable of changing in a year, had he asked me back then, when I'm really honest, I probably would have had the same feelings of "Heck why not?!!"
But now, a year on, I realize just how much I've changed. I'm not looking for some whim of the moment romance, some fling, something to 'get me by', the idea of wasting my time, my heart on such a thing seems ridiculous to me.

But as I've spent my time pondering these matters of the heart, I really came to realize that sometimes I'm so scared about it.
I've had someone sit in front of me, look me in the eyes and say "I'll always love you, I'm just not 'in love' with you anymore..." corney and terrible I know, but the fact that it was an over-used line didn't reduce the sting.
The other morning as I woke in my bed, I had this one thought stir in my head, before I even opened my eyes "What if your guy decides he doesn't love you anymore?" - not the best way to start the day.
I guess I've become more cynical...but more than that, I think I'm less naive. I realize that real love is nothing like they portray it in the fairy tales, it's far more complex than that, and broken hearts take more than a tub of ice-cream and a chick flick to heal.

I guess the point of this long rambling is to say, that I don't think I can afford to have my heart broken again, I don't think I would be able to handle it. So it's not something that I'm willing to throw myself into. I'm willing to wait, and not blow my time on something less worthy.
It's going to take me some time to trust, but it'll happen eventually, no rush.
I love my life right now, exactly as it is, I don't really want it to change...but I want me to change, to become the best person I can possibly be, to be all that God wants for me.

The road of life has a lot of blind-spots, but I love this journey and I look forward to seeing where it goes.

a creative outlet... 

Dragging day...

Had one of 'those' days today.
I was working at vaccation care with the kiddly-winks, but this morning I had to head out half an hour earlier in order to get my car to the mechanics for it's rego check, chatted briefly with Bob then headed over to work. WHAT A DAY!

Today involved getting 80 kids on a bus, over to 'Kidspot' - an indoor adventure playground - where they absoultely took over the place (I felt so sorry for the other kids there, our mob go nuts) after their little 'run till they can't walk' session, their excitement had been replaced with crabiness, which made them absolute gems to be around (yeah...right!)
so we headed back over to vaccation care, with ever kid wanting to hang their arms out the bus windows and try to touch the cars, supressing my desire to see if any kids could actually manage to touch a car, I instead sounded like a broken record demanding that the sit with their butts on the seat (simply asking them to sit down often results in kids 'thinking outside the box' - which is highly commendable - and sitting on another childs head, or arm, or lap...you get the idea)
so we had the little raggamuffins doing drama, and melted beading, which required me to use an iron to melt the beaded designs the kids had created. Being the exciteable little tikes that they are they often got to close to the iron, and in my attempts to prevent one of them being burnt I managed to burn myself with the iron on at least 3 different occassions - but all the children, I'm proud to say, are completely unscarred.
I had kids hanging all over me, one kid I was having an awesome conversation with, then got overly excited in his speech and managed to send a splattering of saliva across my face, he didn't even notice, I however smiled and quickly excused myself from the scene so I could wipe the drippings from my face. (Overexaggeration perhaps)
I love kids, don't get me wrong, but I was sore and tired and now soaking wet (I know I know...but allow me to be a drama-queen for the sake of effect) so when home-time came I was as excited as a kid is after school.
As I walked towards my car, I realized that it wasn't there, after a moments worth of freak-out time I remembered that it was having it's rego check and that Dad was picking me up today. I waited a good 10 minutes and still no sign of the old man, so I walked my way round the block, figured a bit of exercise wouldn't be a had thing.
gave dad a buzz from the pay-phone (the joys of no mobile credit) and there was no answer, so I decided that must mean if he's not in his office he must be on his way, so I stood waiting.
and waiting
and waiting
at least 40 minutes past, and still no sign of dad, I was considering giving him another 20 minutes before calling him, when a car full of teenage boys rolled past - all of them hollering and whistling, carrying on about giving me the ride of my life and so on...at that moment I marched my way to the phone box and tried dads work again. Perhaps some girls find it flattering to have guys disrespect them in such a way, maybe my short fuse after a long day made me overexaggerate, but I didn't want to deal with them, with myself within the phone box, they got the message and moved along, muttering something about me being a 'tease' which left me with no doubt about where there brains resided, as their sheep were obviously not all in the top paddock. All I had done was stand on a footpath yet somehow I had managed to lead them on - go figure eh!
The woman dad works with answered the phone and daad had already left.
10 minutes later, round the corner came daddio!
picked up my car, headed home...and here I am...tired and a little crabby.
Mum claimed that I was incredibly quiet tonight. I probably am.
Don't really know whats been up with me lately, I've just been feeling a little melancholy, a little sad, a little lonely. I think I'm in a bit of a wandering period, sorting through some 'me' stuff, which is always good.
give me a good nights sleep and I'll be chipper again. Happy to rise to a new day.
looking forward to tomorrow, a day off, house to myself...hmm, sounds good, I've been in the mood to have some solitude.

yes, in my old age I've become a cynical hermit, at least for tomorrow anyway :)

Long time, no blog...

So it's been a while since I've posted, and if theres anyone who actually reads this, well...you have something to read again.
Things have been a bit chaotic of late, running about doing all sorts of things. Home for the holidays, and glad to be here.
While I may not have been blogging, I have been journaling so I'll update my blog from my journals, so if your interested then just read back over the last couple of weeks and it'll all be there.

Andy & Kim

I headed to Newcastle on Friday, for a visit to see Kate and Matt. But there was another agenda to this visit on saturday July 2nd 2005 my friends Andy and Kim were to be married.

Saturday rolled around, and there was this incredible excitement in the air. I had become an honourary member of the E-Crew, for the 2 nights I was in Newcastle I had rented a room at Elizabeth House, which was awesome I love this little hovel.
The wedding wasn't to start until 1:30pm but Kate, Erin and I had all decided to get there at around 1pm, we wanted the seats right behind the family, we wanted to be able to see everything!!
As we sitted in the pews chatting nervously to each other, we were blown away by the presence of God which filled the little church, it was absolutely beautiful, there was no doubt that God was there...it was amazing.
Finally 1:30 rolled around. Kim and Andy had decided to have a small wedding with only 60 people set to attend the reception, however the church was absolutely packed with friends who had decided to share this incredible day, myself one of them.
Finally the moment came, Andy and his groomsmen took their place at the top of the aisle, we all stood as the music began to softly float across the room.
The bridesmaids drfited up the aisle, looking absolutely lovely, untill finally Kim floated up the aisle looking radiant, her face shone with pure joy...the second I saw her arm linked with her fathers, my eyes bagan to well with tears (at the exact same time) Kate and I leaned into each other and whispered "She's with her Dad" I could see that Kates eyes were full of tears too.
Kim and her Dad were never incredibly close, but Kim had expressed her deep desire to walk the aisle with her father, but her biggest fear was that he would say no...so to see them together now, was nearly too much. To add to the emotion, the look on Andy's face as Kim approached, one word, Adoration.
As the music faded, the whole rooms eyes feel upon Andy and Kim as they stood hand in hand with the soft glow of candle-light gently stroking their faces. Andy's Pastor ran the service, welcoming and sharing verses, he then introduced the Calvary chapel mob, who had been preparing a short musical piece, Third Day's "Love Song" One guitar and 3 harmonies filled the small service, it was absolutely beautiful, the whole affair was so simple, but I felt God there, He was found within the simplicity of Love.
Before the vows Andy and Kim had asked Terry (Matt and Kates Pastor) to share a word...he shared on the sanctity of marriage, Tezza is such an incredible, incredible speaker, he shares God's word with such passion and makes it come to life, I could listen to him speak for hours on end.
Andy and Kim then exchanged vows, as they gazed into one anothers eyes, there was something so powerful there, not for a second did they look away, nothing broke their gaze...I actually found myself having to look away, for I felt as though I was intruding upon something so very sacred and intimate...I was overwhelmed by the moment.

Kim ended the ceremony, by singing the song "Beautiful", Kimmy had been tearing up all the way through the service so I was impressed that she was able to get up and sing as amazingly as she did.

Being at the service has really had me thinking so much lately. I look forward to the day when I've found the one that I love so deeply that I want to spend the rest of my life with them. At the same time I find the whole thing so frightening, to love someone that much is a scary thought, to invest so much in one person, I know that whoever it is, they will be worthy, but I have invested wrongly in the past, I've invested too much in someone who didn't deserve it. I guess my fear is that I don't think that I have the strength to get it wrong again, So my hesitation is clear...
...I want that sort of love, that level of intimacy, sincere transparency with another.
But untill then I wait with faith...with hope.