It seems my big issue lately has been to do with guilt over things which are in my past. I've taken them to God, but I struggle to leave them their.
I guess yuo might be wondering what things I've been guilty of, and since I crave transparency with people so much, it requires a risk, putting myself "out there" and allowing myself to be humbled.
During the last 18 months of my University life I changed, I guess the easiest way to explain it would be to say that I was lonely. I made the decision to try and spend more time with my girls, the process was so gradual, that I didn't really realize it until months later. These wednesday girlies nights, gradually developed into get glammed-up, drinking and heading out. I got drunk on many of those occasions and while I knew that Gods word was clear when it came to drunk idiosy, I was there every wednesday night, doing the same thing.
When I'm completely honest, I'll admit that I liked the attention I got from males while I was out, not all of them were sleazy, but ultimately they were all after the same thing. ..The only peace I find in the whole thing is that I never gave it to them . But the problem was my heart, my intentions. I wanted to be noticed, and I wanted the attention of males, and when I'm desiring that over the attention of God...well theres a serious problem.
During a friends party, after a few drinks, I flirted and kissed a guy I'd only met on about 3 occasions...I wasn't proud.
It's been about 4 months since any of this, and only now is it truely hitting me hard, I guess it's a rebellion thing, I've lived the life of a good little christian girl my whole life, I don't know why I decided to be a retard.
and I'm struggling...I know that I need to get it out of my life, I know that I need to change, but I don't know how to...
I cried so hard last night as I prayed, I don't know where to even start changing. Though deep down I know it's not true, I know that I can change, and I know how to change if I truely want to. I guess my biggest fear is that changing will involve stepping away from the people who influence me in the wrong way, and I've grown to truely love these people.
Gods been placing it on my heart in a big way lately, and it feels as though he's taking my world apart...and it's tough, but I know that I have to make a decision, I've been living this crazy-ass double life too long. I can't keep serving God, except on wednesday nights. I can't give him everything except my drinking...
It's tough, because I honestly enjoy it...it's probably not a good thing to enjoy, but hey, I'm trying to be honest here.
Pray for me please...your prayers right now would be awesome!
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Jess, something that was shared at church on Sunday night was the scripture Luke 14:33 "So likewise, whoever does not forsake all that he has cannot be My disciple".
Mark Spencer who preached this said he believes they are the toughest words Jesus ever spoke. There was no pussy-footing around the issue. He stated it plain and simple.
As hard as it may be for you to give up absolutely everything to Jesus, I know you know it's worth it.
Continue striving to be more Christ-like Jess, because even through your struggles I see such beauty in you. The courage and humility it takes to share the hard times you're going through are incredibly encouraging to others, including myself.
The above scripture challenged me in a huge way when Mark shared them, and I'm only just starting to fathom the magnitude of it, but I'm willing to give my all to Jesus.
It is going to be hard, and I haven't even begun to be broken, but just know that you're not alone in your walk Jess. While I may not be going through the same trials as you, I can relate atleast a little and empathise with you.
Most importantly though, it's Jesus Himself who is right next to you...guiding you the whole way. And no matter how many times you've heard that, no matter how cliche it may sound, I know you know it's the truth.
I love you Jessie-pooh.
but He loves you more...
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