Ponderings.

And so my blog comes around once more to relationships. After a conversation with a friend late last night, or early this morning [the two often merge]. God's been pressing on me quite a bit in regards to my attitude towards the possibility of relationship, relationship of the male-female, more- than- friends variety.
I am single, and I have been for close to...well 3 years now. More than anything, majority of the time I am incredibly contented. I'm a relatively independant person and I adore that independance, but that said I do have moments of wonderment at the concept of being in another realtionship.

I like to think that I've shaken off some of my naiveness in regards to the male species, sure there are still a heck of a lot I would not have a clue about, but I've updated my mental filing system and it's about as up-to-date as it can get.

I guess what I'm getting around to saying,[ in my long rambling fashion] is that I've been really fighting to hang on to my single life. I've been determined to stay this way. And in my attempts to 'guard my heart', I've realised that in actual fact I've been simply trying to avoid dissapointment [thanks Paul for that file] There is a little niggling fear that knabs me every so often.

3 years ago I could have told you sho I was going to marry. Because as far as I knew, at that time in my life I was in love. I did love him.
Most of you probably don't know the full story, and I apologise that I really don't have the energy to go into it this evening, if you do want to hear it some time, I'll share it. If I can show you anything through my blunderings then I will.
To give the summarised version. I hesitated. I doubted. I asked for a moment. life went on. My heart was broken.

I guess I have become more cynical, I do realise that the heart is deceitful above all things. If I had taken a moment to put together just two or three pieces I would have seen that God would never have called that relationship to a lifetime - not marriage. But my heart screamed "Love" and the rest of me followed along blindly.

Emotions are a truely beautiful thing. I have been asked many times if there is anything I regret. If I was to answer completely candidly, I would say in all honesty - "No"
I've learnt some serious lessons, which I know I would have been impossible to teach any other way. Plus it was never all bad. When it was good, it was beautiful - I knew what it was to want to be with another for life. So it didn't turn out that way. I trust that God will always show me when I've got it wrong - we may not have been meant to be together forever, but there was never anything phony about that love, that love was real - and I'm grateful that he entrusted me with his, and that he did accept mine in return.
I'm blessed for my experiences, both the beautiful and the bitter. For as Cliche` as it may sound, they have made me the person I am today, they have drawn me to my knees before the thrown of my king - and at the risk of sounding proud, they have made me a better person.

I think more than anything God is asking me to fight him less, when it comes to matters of the heart. To entrust him with my relationships. I feel a preparation looming, I don't see it happening anytime soon, but I just feel God encouraging me to be more open to the concept, and less determined to grip onto singleness so desperately.

I'm learning to not be ruled by emotions. To be wise.

"Wisdom is not the attainment of knowledge, but the ability to apply that knowledge in an appropriate manner" - Matt Andronicas

Oh but singleness is great.