Journal.

Today hasn't been particulary interesting, nothing momentus. So I've decided that I'll share a journal entry with you here;

..:: 2nd of January, 2006.
Today isn't a great day - after such a hope filled last entry, the contrast is quite striking. But this is indeed just one more face of Jess.
I'm just so tired of people. I'm tired of having to sleep in the hallway , having offered my room to my Aunt and Uncle while they stay. It's not that I don't like these people, rather it's that I find it hard to cope without some privacy. We currently have 14 relatives here.
I'm just tired
Tired of having to wait till 1pm for a shower - to finally get in and discover there is no hot water - not once, but rather, 4 days in a row. I decide each time that I'm tough enough to withstand a cold shower.
Day 1: Someone used all my shampoo
Day 2: Somone used all my body wash [not so cranky about that]
Day 3: Someone broke my hairdryer...dropped it and left it shattered everywhere
and then today, Day 4: someone used my towel and left it taunting me in a dripping heap in the middle of the bathroom floor.
I decided that I should be graceful, as much as I wanted to go off, instead I kindly asked that if in the future anyone uses my towel, which is completely cool, then could they just hang it up for me.

I was mildly cranky at this point. It was only 12pm but already the day felt long enough. I didn't get to bed until 4am this morning which is fine and dandy. However due to the fact that my bedroom, currently is the middle of the hallway which attracts the most traffic in the house, I was woken at 8am by Micahel and Olivia poking my newly pierced ear. To say painful would most probably be an understatement. But I didn't say a word, instead I realised that they must be bored - deciding to give their mum a break I slumped my way out of bed and supervised the joys and rigours[??] of beading necklaces, desperately trying to convince michael to go with a colour other than pink or purple. About two minutes into the activity I watched in horrified slow motion as Olivia spilled the whole tupb of beads across the floor. Lets entitle the next hour 'Tedious'.

I'm attempting to put together some pictures for Belles 21st on the weekend, and due to matts computer crashing I've been waiting so patiently [if I do say so myself] for him to fix it so I can attempt to retrieve them. For the last 3 days I have been waiting as he watches DVD's and reads book, each day promising that today would be the day. It seems however that today indeed was the day. Matt rushed in saying "jess it's fixed, it's all yours" however by the time I got there, dad was already seated. As politely as possible I asked if there was anyway he could do that on his own computer to which he responded "Yeah I can, but I've already started the game, I'll be done in about 2-3 hours".

The crank metre was getting higher and higher. When I'm cranky I don't usually tell people [unless they ask] rather, I go quiet and I clean...
Clean everything - emptied the dishwasher, re-packed it, emptied the bin, cleared the benches, mopped floors, even cleaned the grill and oven. I don't really know why I clean when I'm annoyed, it's something I've started doing over the last couple of years.
By the end of it, I was feeling better , the cleaning made the house look less chaotic...looked pretty bloody good if you ask me.

Then right on cue, down comes my Aunt demanding to know who used the shower last, [I assumed this was about the hot water] I admitted to using the shower last. She laid into me straight away, raving about how selfish I was, that this might be my house but that doesn't give me the right to act like a brat and not think of anyone except myself.

Honestly I just didn't have the energy today -she's high maintanance at the best of times. So instead I sighed, turing as I said "I'm out of here" I grabbed my car keys and headed out the door. I could hear dad behind me, sticking up for me somewhat, filling her in on the real hot water situation, the fact that I'd given up my room for her, that all I've done is babysit since they've been here, all the cleaning and cooking...didn't hear the rest, by then I was screaming down the street - angry tears streaming my cheeks.
'How dare she judge me like that!' -was all that pounded through my head.

Eventually I parked under a tree, about half an hour out of town. Don't really know how long I sat there for...long enough for the anger to subside and just a hollow sadness to settle in.
I only see my extended family once a year so they know about me, but they don't really know me.
With that realisation I suddenly felt incredibly lonely - sick - tired of having squillions of people around, yet feeling like just another face in the crowd.

As I drove back home, with the window right down, the wind blowing wildly across my face, a peace began to settle over me. I find God in the winds of my days. Just little reminders that he's around and he knows.

As I pulled into the drivewaya dread hit me in the pit of my stomach. I knew what was coming, the insistent apology - not because she decided her outburst was uncalled for, but rather because she had been told it was.
I hate these apologies, they're rarely sincere as far as I'm concerned, as they always seem to involve the obnoxious brown nosing to try and redeem themselves. Sincere apologies do not require the brown nosing because the humbled and contrite spirit is enough. I don't know exactly why, it just always is.

This sounds terrible I know, but I really didn't want her to be around me all night, with her face up my butt. Yes, I accepted her apology, but that doesn't mean that I want to sit in the same room happily chatting straight after.

my private time, or lack of, is what I despise most. No matter where I go I can't get away from people, they are always everywhere.
I'm grateful to have found a spot here in the bush,where no one knows I am, in order to write this now.
...
Scrap that, my name is being called...
...back to Bedlam

I'll be okay, this is life I suppose 'warts and all'.