I got to thinking today about transparancy...

So I got to thinking today about transparancy. And I decided that people [myself included] spend too much time trying to display only those good qualities and hide their weaknesses.
Perhaps weaknesses is the wrong word, however for lack of a better I shall continue with it.

I have this theory. As difiicult and often awkward as it may be, I believe that if perhaps, I myself was more forthcoming with my own flaws then it would be my hope that people would feel less pressure to appear 'together' and as perfect as possible.

While I don't believe it is neccessary, or healthy to dwell on weakness, I do believe that in order to truely know one another, we sometimes need a dose of reality. I don't know about you, but I find such reality not only refreshing but unbelievably reassuring.

Agreed, not everyone needs, or should know your weaknesses, however those whom you desire sincere and genuine commune with, need to know them in order to know you. To know where you are and where you want to go.

You whom I have given this address, I trust, and I do desire sincere and genuine communion with. So with the hope of things to come I choose to allow myself to share with you some [as I'm sure there are more] of my weaknesses.
I will ever fight the urge to edit them to sound more like possible positives.

* I crave quality time with people. If I don't feel I am receiving enough then I can recoil, believing that it was my lackings which caused the failure. - causing me to crave their time even more than before.

*I can be selfish in my desire for self validation - often requiring too much of that from the people around me.

*I can be judgmental of people, based on limited understanding

*I'm incredibly self-concious about my appearance, often basing too much of my worth on it.

*I can be quite close minded on certain issues - generally the ones I'm passionate about [ I know, I said it myself "Lifes too short to be close minded..."]

*I pretend to know more about things than I actually do, in order to appear smarted, more interesting - thus linking to the shallow bit.

*I always get the role of the clown...sometimes I would just like to be the beautiful one...or the intelligent one...or the interesting one. I envy those who are remembered for those things.

*sometimes, because I willingly laugh at everything, people don't even know that they hurt me...and if they ask, often I'll just pretend I'm okay.

*I can be a pushover. When it comes to Authority figures like my boss, or lecturers...

*When meeting new people, as desperately as I desire to be myself, I rarely am.

* I care too much what people think of me when I barely know them, and I allow that to alter my behaviour. therefore limiting the possibility of them actually getting to know me.

* I claim that I'm SO content being single, that I could live this way forever. When the truth is that if tomorrow I was settlling down, to get married and do the kids thing, I'd be stoked, and so ready!

*Some mornings I wake up feeling desperate, wondering what the hell I'm going to do for the rest of my life. wondering if I really want to teach, or if I've wasted the last 3 years.

* Too often I get caught up in lustful thoughts/desires, too often I swear.

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But I love my God more than anything...I know that everyday I have to choose to live for him. And every time I ask for his forgiveness it's granted no questions asked. That list makes me sound as though I'm completely self concious barely able to look people in the eye, or ever able to say what I mean. I guess the truth of the matter is, that's the Jess I wrestle with everyday. Some days I'm so far from being that person. Yet it's always too easy to become her. I trust that the longer and more faithfully I walk in sync with Christ, the more he will develop my character and views. But I think that I will always have to fight off these ugly character traits, and choose to be a better person than that. Because sometimes it comes too easily, and thats definitely not an attractive thing.
I just hope that you can love me anyway.