Realizing the change...

my brain is basically going nuts lately, I'm working at vaccation care while on my holidays, finishing off the painted murel on mum and dads back verandah, busy trying to organise Kate and my 21st for next holidays and finally, trying to put together a comprehensive, 4 week english and maths unit for the year 3/4 students at the primary school for the next time I head back there for the second part of my prac.
Basically, I go to bed tired then wake up still feeling pretty drained, but I can't complain I have a good life, and at least while I'm home painting the murel and creating video tributes for my girl Katie, means that I have creative outlets which I love.
In terms of the brain going nuts, it's in regards to relationships, of the opposite sex variety.
I recently had a friend of mine make me an 'offer' and while I think that he's an awesome guy, after chatting about the situation more I got the distinct impression that he had never spent a lot of time considering the two of us together, but he figured that he could handle having me as a girlfriend, and so he'd be willing to give it a crack. Needless to say I wasn't all that impressed.
However I found so much empowerment in the fact that I didn't get all girly and flattered about the whole thing, rather I was able to stay relatively level-headed and talk about things reasonably with him...
It just convinced me about how much a person is capable of changing in a year, had he asked me back then, when I'm really honest, I probably would have had the same feelings of "Heck why not?!!"
But now, a year on, I realize just how much I've changed. I'm not looking for some whim of the moment romance, some fling, something to 'get me by', the idea of wasting my time, my heart on such a thing seems ridiculous to me.

But as I've spent my time pondering these matters of the heart, I really came to realize that sometimes I'm so scared about it.
I've had someone sit in front of me, look me in the eyes and say "I'll always love you, I'm just not 'in love' with you anymore..." corney and terrible I know, but the fact that it was an over-used line didn't reduce the sting.
The other morning as I woke in my bed, I had this one thought stir in my head, before I even opened my eyes "What if your guy decides he doesn't love you anymore?" - not the best way to start the day.
I guess I've become more cynical...but more than that, I think I'm less naive. I realize that real love is nothing like they portray it in the fairy tales, it's far more complex than that, and broken hearts take more than a tub of ice-cream and a chick flick to heal.

I guess the point of this long rambling is to say, that I don't think I can afford to have my heart broken again, I don't think I would be able to handle it. So it's not something that I'm willing to throw myself into. I'm willing to wait, and not blow my time on something less worthy.
It's going to take me some time to trust, but it'll happen eventually, no rush.
I love my life right now, exactly as it is, I don't really want it to change...but I want me to change, to become the best person I can possibly be, to be all that God wants for me.

The road of life has a lot of blind-spots, but I love this journey and I look forward to seeing where it goes.