What wonderful revelations come through nothing less than the grace of God.
Granted, I really haven't been giving God the place he deserves. I could begin to list off the millions of reasons(excuses) why I've been distracted - prac, Uni...whatever- but when it comes down to it, I mean really comes down to it, there is no excuse, EVER! Full stop.
What really gets me though, is that Christ would continue to reveal mysteries even when I don't deserve them.
My revelation came tonight, as I walked in my bedroom door at 11pm. As I mentioned earlier, I was joining the bible study which contained Nick, whom I had been wrestling somewhat in terms of my feelings towards him. Tonight saw a breakthrough of sorts, the revelation of the evening was spread over two phases of the night, the bible study, and mischief afterwards.
I realized just how much I truely admire Nick as a man of God - I mean seriously he blows me away sometimes and for that reason (I'll be the first to admit) that makes him incredibly appealing - I respect him greatly.
It was after the bible study that the revelation really took hold as Wae-Jae and I tried to position a rotting orange on Aarons windowsill (on the 2nd floor flat) while scaling the drain pipe. The whole scene was hilarious ~ as there was only room for one person at a time, I tried first only to establish that I was too short - Wae-Jae being 2 inches taller than me, but possessing an ego which had him convinced that he was at least 6 feet tall - had a crack next. I stood egging him on, laughing hysterically as he repeatedly whacked his head on the downstairs window (mind-you we had no idea who lived in that room) causing a little movement of the curtain from the inside. On about the 3rd whack, the curtain flew open as Wae-Jae and I bolted up our only escape, a steep grassy incline. In the chaos we managed to whack heads - his glasses cutting my forehead. The hilarity however was too much and we decided to abandon the attempt for now, however we both vowed to retrn with a can of shaving cream and the video camera another night.
I guess your wondering where the revelation is.
So here goes...
I have never experienced that sort of hilarity with Nick, and I can't be sure that I ever will. I guess that the point is while, yes I do desire a passionate, on-fire-for-God bloke, I also desire a friend, a partner in mischief. Perhaps Nick has those qualities, and maybe the combination isn't right for that to happen between us, at least. The fact is that right now I just don't know, so basically the conclusion I've come to, for now, is this; Why spend my time pining over someone when I don't even know if they can be the things which I need/want and even more importantly somone who I can't eve be sure that I'm capable of offering the things which they need/want.
It's actually a kind of strange relief because when I really started to write this down, I realized that I've held onto thee things, these feelings for such a long time, that I'm beginning to realize that perhaps I had locked my emotions towards Nick because he was the only one at this point, whom I can see as a tangiable match, yes he does have many a characteristic which I find incredibly attractive, but theres more to it than simply 'the maths adding up' it's about a communion of personalities and at this point in time I really haven't found that with Nick.
I guess it's about trusting God, and believing that It's not something I have to really stress about.
In ths spirit of honesty, which i hope that this blog remains to be. I do crave companionship, which is what makes this so dangerous, attaching emotions to the wrong people because I simply, desire to be loved, to be wanted, to be desired by another. I do believe that I will find genuine and sincere communion with another, I just need to remain faithful to the call God has placed on my life.
The big issue is that I don't want to ignore missing links with Nick, because I admire him incredibly, because he appears to be the only option right now. That probably sounds really terrible and derogatory towards him, but please do not let my words erode his richness, his worth. He is still an incredible person whom I do hope to be able to to claim as a friend in time.
However, for now I do believe that I have been able to establish exactly what he means to me. I wrongly invested my emotions and confused my own feelings - After all it is very possible to admire another greatly without being 'in love' with them - I do love my brother.
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But I am ready now daddy, really ready(finally) to be patient, to be really patient and wait. Help me to understand that I don't require a 'crush' in order to feel feminine. Please please let me be able to use my lesson and grow from it. Thankyou for your revelations, it's time I spent more of my heart persuing you and loving you more and more, rather than thrusting it towards others whose hands are uncapable of taking hold of my heart. Fill my eyes with vision, so that I see only you, and teach e in your ways...my sacred, my darling.
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