It seems that a friendship so dear to me is slipping through my fingers, and it breaks my heart. The reasons for this crumbling cannot be completely pin-pointed to one specific incident, one moment in time, it has been a long time in the making. I should probably wait a little longer before I post, alot of this is still stirring around in my head, wreaking havoc in my heart, but I need to get this out, need to divulge this madness, and make sense of the rythms.
Is it ever possible to pin-point the exact moment when a relationship, with anyone, turns sour? I've never reached the point in a friendship when I've found myself so completely drained, so sore and aching from the emotional battle, that I'm at breaking point, I'm literally having to walk away because I can't continue to stand and take blow after blow.
I was talking to this particular person on MSN tonight (granted, probably the worst of all communication options) it was the most communication we'd had in a long time, and if you had seen the conversation, it would become pretty clear that communication between us was not good at all. At one stage it got to the point where I literally was sitting there staring at the keyboard, just crying and praying "Lord I don't know what to say...tell me what to say..." If I had my way, I wanted to scream and shout at her, tell her how selfish she was being, show her how much she was hurting me, and then...then I knew she would be sorry...
But my spirit battled against the weakest parts of my own flesh...for in my heart lay the longing to show her grace...an incredibly wise friend of mine, just two days ago, said to me "You shouldn't need to feel warm fuzzies towards a person, in order to grant them grace"(-Paul)
I had to walk away from the computer, open my bible and read... my eyes fell upon this verse...
James 4 : 12 " There is only one Lawgiver who is able to save and to destroy. Who are you to judge another?" and it hit me, I am not given the right to judge one other person placed upon this earth, no matter what my flesh, no matter what the world may tell me is my right. For only God has been given the right and the authority to grant judgment. Rather we are asked to convict the hearts of one another, not with attack, but instead, to convict one another with the sincere desire to bring forth restoration to lives, to convict through love.
Carefully praying over the words which were to stand within her screen, I told her of what I had just learnt, I shared the lesson so fresh that the paint still oozed, I am nearly entirely convinced that she did not even know that I had placed judgment upon her to begin with...and perhaps I could have just not told her, but I had wronged her in my heart, and for whatever shattered relationship lay before us now, the remnants of the friendship that was, at least deserved the honesty it craved.
Honestly, after all of this, I do still feel this friendship slipping by...however my spirit has found some rest, tonight I will sleep without stirring...for I have laid my grievences bare, before man and God, I have left no shadows of this issue in my heart, it now lays before the throne of the king... perhaps this is a friendship which was but a brief stop-over on this journey which is life...for now I do not know...but as everything else I am trying to give...it lies in God's hands...do with it as he will...
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