My Lover...

I'm reading a new book...

"Captivating" By John and Stasi Eldridge, Maybe you've heard of it, maybe you haven't. About a year ago I read the book by John Eldridge entitled "Wild at Heart: Discovering the secrets of a mans soul" and I thought it was unreal. Granted I'm not a male but it was definitely worth reading up on what the other half are pondering. I passed the book on to my brother who mumbled a quick thanks and tossed it on the bed beside him, however just last night I received a phonecall from Matty so that he could thank me for passing it on (call it female tuition but I knew he'd like it)
"Wild at Heart" contained one chapter in which it looked at females and as I read it I remember thinking "I wish they had a female version of this..."

So like an answer to that statement, out came "Captivating; unveiling the mysteries of a womans soul".

Last night I cried harder than I can remember crying in a long time, as I read the chapter on 'healing the wound' I realized that for so long I had pushed down the things in my past which had hurt me, the lies which I had held onto for so long. I realized that I had maintained a spirit of rejection in my life, from childhood, from my relationship break-up and the lst goes on...these lies had affected the way I viewed myself, had left me feeling not good enough, not worthy and definitely not beautiful, not captivating my any means.
What really got me though was as I read on, and they spoke of Christ as not only a saviour, a brother...but as a lover.
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I've sung the songs, I've heard it said but I don't think that I have ever really, I mean REALLY taken the time to discover and love and know Christ as a lover. The book urged me to consider the scenes from movies, Jack and Rose on the Bow of the Titanic, his arms around her waist, their first kiss. Imagine your favourite, your most romantic. Then I was to replace the originals with Christ and myself. The very first thing I thought was "Is that okay? Am I supposed to think of Christ that way?" and to be perfectly honest to begin with it actually made me feel a little awkward, but as time went on I began to realize, that all this time, all these years I have been persued, I am being wooed by the creator of the Universe. Not only does Christ love me, but he looooooooves me. He may not be a chocolates and bunch-of-flowers kinda guy. But he is a lavish lover, his gifts are incredible and he gives them freely and often.

I have already admitted my deep hearted desire to be loved, to be desired, to be persued, and while I had always know that God loved me, I had never really thought it possible that he could make me feel the way a lover does, that glow, that warm fuzzy feeling of knowing that another thinks your beautiful, that knowing that you are persued and desperately craved. As I have begun to seek my God in the same way, love him with the same passion, discover him in the way that two would at the beginning of a relationship...I have been changed, I can feel it right down to my core. I am finally beginning to understand the things which I have read for so long in Gods word. That with Christ as my love for me to choose sin in my life, is to be an adultress, to cheat on the one who I have chosen.
Man I can't even express the joy in my heart, I recognise this feeling, I recognise this peace, of feeling so beautiful simply because I know that I am loved, that I am desired.
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What really blew my mind, was just how much Christ also desires to be persued by us, to be loved so deeply, so passionately...that not only does he occupy a beautiful place in our heart which is his and his alone, but we hold a sacred place within his which is only able to be filled by us, and us alone...thats mind-blowing...we affect Christ, we have an impact - We are both changed by love, and once linked together we are made whole.

I can't express this anywhere near close to the way I wish I could. I'm in love, and I want the whole world to know it! sure life is still going to be life, things won't always go right, there's still the mundane, the boring, the painful...but...I'm in love, I'm in love and with this love I'm going to make it through.