Beauty from Pain

In the Living room of my flat, we have a heap of cupboards, pretty much for storage purposes. I hadn't used the cupboards in so long, but last night as the temperature reached freezing, I realized that in one of the boxes I had packed away, maybe...just maybe I had my winter dressing gown. As I opened the box the very first thing I spotted, sitting right on top was my dressing gown...YES!! but as I lifted the gown underneath it I spotted a small chest. I recognized it immediately, I knew exactly what was in it, even though it had been over a year and a half since I'd seen it.
Within the chest were letters, poems, and knick-knacks...things I had given my ex when we were together, there were photo's there too.
I guess it was a strange experience as I sifted through the box, and re-read the words which seem as though they written so long ago..."Surely I never wrote these things". But I had and as I read I felt a tightening in my gut, letter after letter, out came the words "...I just know your the man I'm meant to marry..."
Within that relationship I had sacrificed so much, I had compromised too much and at the time I couldn't even see it...I had been the furthest away from God than I have ever been in my short life, yet I still claimed that the relationship was God's blessing when I wouldn't have had a clue what he thought, because I chose to believe whatever suited me.
I read each letter, each poem, each short note within that chest. As I did I scrunched each one up and tossed it in the bin. I could feel the tears welling, and I managed to make it to my room before they began to fall. I shut the door and layed myself on the floor (this is my thinking place). Wae-Jae (in the room next door) was listening to his music, and as I lay upon the floor, with tears streaking my cheeks all I could hear was the chorus "...And now that your near, everything is different, everythings so different Lord, I know I'm not the same, my life you've changed, I want to be with you, I want to be with you..."
The tears which fell weren't for love lost, or anything like it, rather they were in gratitude that God pulled me back. I thank God so deeply that I had family and friends praying for me during that whole relationship, I thank God that he knew what I needed, he knew that I needed him, even while I was too oblivious to see it.
I'm not the same person I was a year and a half ago...my life is so different. I don't even want to imagine where I would be if I was still there.

I've stopped fighting my life in Armidale, and as I stop resisting Gods plans, slowly he's beginning to reveal to me, my purpose here. I'm finding incredible joy and blessings, greater than any I've known for a long time. As I seek out and dwell with God, I'm finding greater meaning, and I'm learning not only more about who I am, who I want to be, but more importantly who he is and what he wants to be to me...

I ended up falling asleep right there on the floor, in my thinking spot...and the very last thought I can remember floating through my mind before I drifted off, were these words,
"...Daddy I Love you, Thanks for not letting me fall apart..."