Midnight Ponderings

What am I doing here? What purpose is this achieving?
I feel like a leaf...
For so long I hung onto the branch, but now I've come loose and I'm drifting aimlessly, being blown here and there by the breeze.
I'm not out of control, I'm not depressed, in fact my life remains incredibly blessed...
But I feel lost, dazed and confused. What am I doing? How am I serving? Where am I being used? How do I fit?

I want the fruit before the roots, and it just doesn't work that way.

I've always held a fascination for Gods meataphore of the tree;

"He shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth its fruit in its season, whose leaf also shall not wither and whatever he does shall prosper."
Psalm 1:3

I miss the close communion I once shared with Christ, I so desperately crave it, yet its been so long since I've come before him, naked and completely candid that I struggle to remember where to begin.
I've never completely lost him from my life, he is always there, teaching and growing me, but one can learn without truely connecting with the teacher.
What I miss most is the intimacy ~ knowing and being within the presence of one who sincerely knows me.

I'm learning to understand 'the metaphore of the tree', I've done my research, I explored the mysteries of tree's and as I read I began to understand the nature of God more.

During the winter months of a trees life it appears (above the surface) that there is no growth, infact often the tree even appears to be withering away before your eyes, as the leaves change colour and fall...
But under the surface, the roots are spreading, stretching deeper and deeper, planting the tree with strength, firmly in the nutrient rich soil.

I beagn to wonder if this was perhaps my winter month...the fruit is lacking upon the tree because the roots have somewhat detracted. Gods calling me to seek him more than ever before, to discover more of the mysteries and truths which are only found when walking in communion with him.
To spread my roots stronger and deeper in my knowledge and trust of him.

I may not know what I'm doing here, I may not know how I'm supposed to be used or what I should be doing right now...Those things will come and go in due time. What I do know, what I can gurantee for always is that before all things I am called to love God.

I can't be sure of what my purpose is right now, geez I don't even know if anything exciting or momentus will happen tomorrow. But I live with hope, for I know that I have to keep seeking out God, he is the only place that I'm going to find the answers I'm looking for, this much I know, and he'll show me what I need to know, when I need to know it.

But for now, I have to keep throwing myself into every opportunity that comes my way, any opportunity to serve, to be used...make myself available - keep trusting God, that if I put myself 'out there' then he can show me where to step up, and keep going. But above all else it's time to start chasing that Intimacy, chase it with viciousness.
I don't want to just know of him, read his stories, I want to share relationship with him again, understand him better.

He's been waiting, it's about time I showed up!